My mother was moved to a memory care unit Oct 2022 (Vascular Dementia) by her Nursing home where she "escaped". I also have a mentally handicapped sister (with Alzheimer's) in a different facility. My Mother is now about an hour drive away. I work full time, am married, have kids and grandkids. I visit 1 to 2 times a week.
She feels I don't visit enough, but is also not remembering that I was just there either. I speak to her every day, sometimes multiple. Some of the staff have asked me if I can visit more and take her out more as it is good for her. Which in turn makes me feel guilty. I am barely treading water now. What is reasonable and is it fair for the staff to ask me this?
Thanks!
Visit as much as you can but don't feel guilty if you can't do it as much as she would like. I know on one of those rare occasions that I needed to be there two days in a row he suddenly thought I would be coming every day.
You just explain that you are an hour away and work full-time. You can not visit more than what you already do. I think 1x a week is enough with the hour travel. Once my Mom was in an AL, I did not take her out for rides, ect. She was advanced in her Dementia so it was a hassle to take her out, Dr appt was it. Sometimes you can't get them to return.
As you say, whether you go or not Mom will not fully know that. Tell the folks at the care facility that there are total four generations counting on you, and you have to divide up your time best you can. No, it isn't fair of them to ask you, but they aren't THERE yet, aren't where you are, cannot understand it. So don't try to convince them except to tell them your truth.
My heart goes out to you. Enjoy those grandkids. Mom had her life, and they are the future. You are sandwiched somewhere between all that doing the best you can. You didn't create all this and you can't fix all this. You are only one woman, and a kindhearted one at that!
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this!
If she was NOT in memory care - how often would you see your mom? With her living an hour away?
While I understand why the facility relays the fact that your mother enjoys your visits - their responsibility is to HER - you are likely already visiting as often as possible. There are SEVEN days in a week. You are already driving an hour one way to visit her at least one of those days - sometimes two. I would imagine you probably spend an hour or two when you visit. And then you drive another hour back. I'm guessing you probably try to visit your sister at least periodically as well. You still work full time. So in a given day - so let's say you visit on Tuesdays - you are working an 8 hour day and then spending what 4 more hours of that same day visiting your mother?
I certainly hope I that this doesn't sound heartless - but since my FIL has been in rehab the last 3 months - we have visited once a week. He is an hour away. I'm working full time. DH is on medical leave. We go on Saturday afternoon and spend a couple of hours. We don't even try to go during the week at all. BIL and SIL go once during the week to pick up dirty clothes and bring clean clothes - that's usually a short visit. And then they meet us on Saturday. I realize that is a little different than Memory Care, but the parallel is simply that it is just too hard to try to work 8-10 hours, get dinner and prep for the next day and spend 4 hours visiting on a week night when I have to be in the bed by 10pm, 11pm at the latest.
Each person has to decide what works for them. Some will say every other week. Some will say 3-4 times a week. Some will say they go every single day. You have to do what works for you. I think if you visited every day she would probably feel like you didn't visit enough - so be careful trying to meet that expectation when it can change daily.
You should not feel guilty about taking care of yourself. You know she is somewhere safe and being well taken care of. She is there for a very good reason. There is no guilt in living your life and taking care of your family. And visiting her the way you would under any other circumstance.
Jules