How do I stop my sister from coercing my mother (98) in to changing her will and POA?

well said giftinc2you!!!

Zbrown, we haven't heard back from you since you wrote the original post. Curious what is going on.

ZBrown...take your vacation and go give your sister a break and take over full care of mom. And not just for a weekend. I'd say give it two weeks and you'll only get a bit of what your sister has been living with day in and day out for how long?

I can tell you...she deserves at the very least 75.00/day for as long as she's been living there and caring for your mom. Figure it up and see if your mom's estate is worth more then that...if so, then you might talk to sis and assure her that she's earned that 75.00/day for however long it's been, and then the rest of anything lest will be shared equally between all the siblings. That would be fair and maybe she'll quit trying to talk mom into making it right by her.

And 75.00 doesn't begin to touch it consider she's living there so is on call 24/7! It should be three times that much daily!

i live in CA and it cost $7 to $8 thousand dollars a month if they can't care for themselves!!! $75??? are you kidding??? how long will your mother's estate last at 8 thou a month...for years!!!

I think sis would be very happy with 75.00 a day, seeing as how she's getting nothing now, though I think. That's about 2200 a mon and my sis in law takes care of my dad for 1500.00 a month. Sadly, family will never be able to make as much as a nursing home can, but I think his sister would be less apt to be pushing mom to change her will if she were to pay her for her 2,200 a month. Then again, we don't know if mom can afford that? We've never heard back from this guy...

Now that you all have bashed the sister for living out of town let's get to the question at hand. Your sister does contribute financially also ( and so does the brother who sits w/ mom ). Multiply their hours there by an hourly rate you would pay an agency. Cha-ching! It adds up quickly. And yes being a caregiver is very difficult and exhausting. This does not give your sister the right to coerce your mom into signing legal papers that affect all of you without everyone's input. That is a form of abuse and can have serious legal ramifications.. With that said, have you and the other siblings talk about this? Has anyone approached your sister? There may be a reasonable solution ie: having the house transferred to your sisters name so she feels confident that she will be able to continue living there when mom is gone. Is the house intended to be considered her compensation for caring for mom? Is it in writing? You say she is part/time because she works. I assume the brother is there when she is at work. Is this information coming from mom and is it accurate? Without question your sister (and brother) should somehow be compensated either now or when mom passes. DO NOT allow her to have paperwork changed. You need to address this ASAP. Get all the facts and have a family meeting. There is always SKYPE for those who are out of town. Do remember that caring for an elderly person is not easy and may be wearing your sister down. You may be assuming more than is really happening or you may be dead on. Find out before you take action, If she is threatening your mom w/ loss of care this is also abuse. The person you need to think about here is mom first and foremost.

dlh, are you a sister living out of town? Everyone as long as they are competent have the right to make changes to documents. Some do, some do not. Some realize the sacrifices that the primary caregiver makes, some are overcome with guilt if one child gets more than their fair share to compensate for years of care.

this is not directed to person to posted...but all siblings who read this post! lol

im the primary care for my parents...7 yrs now. 1 brother did everything he could to block my father from changing his will!! well toooo bad, when my brother stopped coming over or talking to them for at least a year...my father changed the will because he saw me working to care for them 24/7!! SOME CARETAKERS GIVE UP NOT ONLY JOBS...BUT ALL THEIR FRIENDS AND ACTIVITIES TOO! than is not uncommon! so all you selfish, do nothing siblings...hope you eat it when you lose your rights!!

Gladimhere - Not only was I an out of town sibling for many years, I am also in the healthcare field and work directly with patients, family caregivers, facility caregivers, activtiy directors , nursing staff, etc. Yes, caregivers do give up so much ( been there, done that) however it does not allow for inappropriate behaviors, coercing, or threatening not to do care as was stated in the orginal post. I am merely stating that it is everyones obligation to get the story straight before we make assumptions about what is happening. The out of town sis may be way off base as to what is really happening and again maybe mom is having cognitive issues. I have seen it all and no one scenario is the same. Simply put - be aware, get the correct information, contact a local Ombudsman if necessary and do what is in the best interest of the patient. Compensation should be addressed right away. That may very well eleviate a lot of frustration on everyone's part. Caregivers give so much and just because they are family they should not be sacrificing for free.

We had a much different situation with my in-laws. My husband was the 2nd oldest of 6; older brother was disabled and passed a few months before Mom. Younger brother, 2 youngest sisters and their families were home running the family farm and caring for Dad for several years before he was placed in SNF. The oldest sister had nothing to do with any of the remaining family and moved out of town. Her only contact was with Dad who was showing signs of dementia and she only contacted him when she wanted money for her and her boys. Parents had written their wills years ago before anyone was married and before any grandsons had been born. We had moved about an hour away years before and were always thankful for the care that everyone at home gave to Mom over several years of declining health and then later Dad. Fortunately before Dad got too bad they were able work with him to restructure the ownership of the family business so that the siblings and son-in-law working the farm would be able to retain ownership. While this was all done with our knowledge and encouragement the absent sister is still insisting she and her sons are “owed” their share. In the end with the cost of several years of Dad attending a day program and then the few years he was SNF there was nothing left to split.

Wow! My mother has lived with me since 1996 and my brothers and sister has literally stepped out of her life. They are - "living there life" and leaving me to take care of my mother totally. Oh, my sister gets her every now and then, in between "living her life, with her new husband, who is taking her for ride." I'm told that God will bless me for what I do, but what about my mother, who needs us all. I hate selfish people who only think about themselves and the dollar bill. Wake up people, wake up.

Here Here Lifeexperiences! Well Put!

In the end,really it is not about who caretakes or who gets what,it is all the original family drama that plays out larger than life---who got the puppy,who was Mom's "favorite", who hurt whose feelings etc etc. The reality of dementia,of dying makes everything fraught with unendurable emotions and both sides of the equation sucks---the hands on sibling or the sibling who can't force themselves to deal with their parents' sudden fragility and pain and have to "live their own lives",whistling past the graveyard.It hurts.It just hurts,no matter how the dying plays out.Anger is a much easier emotion to feel than grief and nobody prepares you for it.Pray for grace and forgiveness.

Myself my husband and 4 daughters take care of my 95 yr old Mother we are all full time caregivers and i still work but had to go down to part time was starting to miss to much work because of worrying about my Mother my kids suffer too because they are up late too when im at work watching her and my husband recently retired from the Police dept. What im getting at is their are 6 of us taking care of Mom and even though we are exhausted its a Huge blessing to have her still with us. My point is i have 2 sisters (not even kidding ) one lives down the street the other 2 blocks away and tried to pull that crap of becoming her poa and being in charge of her money And they dont Help not once nothing ! You say you live out of town you probably have no idea what your sister or brother goes thru taking care of your mom and your sister i guarantee is scared shell be on the streets when your mom passes . When you have no sleep and work being a caregiver and at a regular job you have no sleep and trying to make sure your loved one is fed, clean, and so on...id say you take 2 weeks off and go take care of your mom with no help for 2 weeks then ask yourself how does your sis do this full time. She lives rent free? Good! She deserves it and probably more thank whst you tjink she deserves.

Wow, hard to know how to answer with no concrete evidence. First of all, I would try calmly, if possible talking to your sister. See if she can give you an idea of what life is like being sole caregiver to Mom. The reason I say this is I am sole caregiver to my Mother with two brothers that live close by and do nothing. She chose, before her memory and health started failing, to live with me. I gave her every option to go wherever she wished and even brought her to a nice facility that everyone I met who lived there LOVED! In the end, she said, my wish is to be with you. That being said, I had to find a new house with an inlaw property (so my marriage would stay intact) and of course, next to me and safe for her. By an absolute miracle, I found the ideal spot for the ideal price! Now, I was working over 40 hours a week at the time and all I got from my brothers was somehow I had talked her into getting me a house, etc. Mom helped with the downpayment but it is a far cry what she would have paid going to the other facility. What she has gotten in return is, now I can only work part time because her needs have increased, I have to do most everything for her, things I never imagined I would have to do to keep her safe and healthy. I left my career to learn how to be a professional caregiver so I could save her from paying big money, I know because I get billed out at 30.00 an hour to my clients, I get less than half of that. My mother is so happy and always tells me how lucky she feels that I am there taking care of her. I am glad to do it but it is no walk in the park. My brothers have NO IDEA what I do for her on a daily basis and how much money I am saving her in the longrun.
If your Mom is of sound mind for most of the time, she can't be manipulated into giving your sister everything. The saddest thing I always hear and live it, is the family arguing over money that doesn't belong to them. It is her money and she can choose who or how much each person gets. If she wants to give it all to charity, that is her right as well. My brothers and I don't talk anymore, I have been falsly accused of all things to do with money. They have no idea what I do. My life was a whole lot easier when it was just my husband and I both working our normal jobs, trust me! This has put a strain on our marriage even though she is 10 steps away in her own cottage. But, my Mother wanted this and I could not tell her, "Sorry Mom, I know you sacrificed your life when I was growing up making sure I was happy but I can't be bothered with taking care of you now." Send her to a ALF where she had spent her whole life working as a nurse in those places. Sorry, I could not turn my back on her. In the end, I will sleep soundly knowing I did my best to give her what she wanted. Talk to your sister with compassion and try to be understanding of what her life is like taking care of Mom everyday. You will get farther and hopefully you can come to understand one another, accusing her without hearing her side of things will get you nowhere. Ask her to please wait until you are all present to have an attorney change anything and have a family meeting prior with everyone to get things straight. Then, there can be no guessing of what Mom's wishes are. Sorry for the long winded answer, I can relate to "myrealtygal" above and I can add more to her list of things I have to do everyday for my Mom and with dementia, it just gets harder as it progresses. What have my brothers gotten out of this? Freedom and Sanity, can you put a price on those two lovely things?

First of all, I do not know your whole family's situation, but if your sister is the only one taking care and watching over your mother, plus working, I commend her! Anyone who has never been a caregiver, has no idea how stressful it really is and your life is put on hold, as you are solely responsible for being there everyday with that person to take care of them! I took care of my godmother, who was my mother to me my whole life. She made me her POA after her brother, who was her POA, began to get nasty with her and just wanted to put her in any retirement center he wanted to, without taking her to even look at any of the places and allowing her to make up her own mind. She was still very much alert at that time back in 2008. Even her Elder Care Lawyer told her she should pick out someone else to be her POA, as he himself had some unpleasant phone calls from her brother, plus he felt her brother was too old to be able to handle her affairs if he got sick himself since he was only a few years younger. After my godmother moved to FL with us, my husband and I were her sole caregivers for 2 1/2 years. We did have home health aids come in to help bathe and dress her as she was getting worse, as I have a very bad back. But, even though we had some help, you still are there all the time, taking the person to all their appointments, shopping for them, cooking, cleaning, washing their clothes, taking care of their medicines, etc. The stress can be unbelievable at times, especially at the end when she started having "visitors" during the wee hours of the morning and with the baby monitor, I would hear her talking to people and getting up out of bed to walk around, which then I had to get up and check on her, this would happen sometimes 4-5 times a night!!! I am not saying your sister is wrong for what she is doing, but are you even there to see what she must do for your mother on a daily basis and the stress it takes to do this? I also was in charge of taking care of handling my mom's finances, checkbook and making sure her bills were paid. I am happy your brother and you do that for your mom, but being in another state, you do not have the day to day stresses of mentally and physically taking care of her! Maybe your sister feels she deserves more for all she is doing, and I feel you, your brother, mother (if her mind is still alert enough), and your sister should go to talk to the lawyer about this issue. If you don't, there might be hard feelings in the future after your mother passes, that will never be able to be resolved! You must realize as a caregiver, that as the person gets worse, you can not just get up and go away or go out for an evening, you must always be there with the person, and must make plans to have someone come in to watch her so you can just get out awhile to get things done, or just to get out to go see a movie! My godmother paid $14.00 an hour for a privite duty aide to be here when I could not, and home health care agencies charge a lot more then that!

I think I was the first to reply to the original question by Zbrown1117 and I had some regret immediately after hitting "Send", feeling that my reply was "venting" about my own situation and that it may have been too hard on her. I still believe that unless you walk in a caregiver's shoes you have no idea on how it changes your entire life. I'm responding today because of all of the other replies which echoed my sentiments. I now understand that I am not alone and that, although we each have a very challenging task, we are happy to have our loved one in our own care. Thank you for your replies to Zbrown1117 which helped me indescribably.

Reading this question brought up so much anger in me. Typical for someone who hasn't lifted a finger & lives in another state want to make sure the person that's lived with and cared for her mother gets cut out. I've seen this happen in my own family...as soon as the parent dies the other siblings that have their own homes want the person that lived there and cared for the aging parent out on the street. i am frustrated because I'm the idiot that gave up my life to care for my parents and live with them for the past 13 years....through several health issues. My mother has dementia and is determined that my sister - who does hardly anything - gets her fair share. My father is too afraid to stand up to my mother because everytime he tries she gets her ugly side out....so I am screwed. It's cost me my career, savings, and put in in debt to stay here to the point I'm trapped financially and it's having a major impact on my health.... The sister who wrote this question should be thanking God for the one living with her mother taking care of her instead of being a greedy pig waiting for her share of the will. Sorry to be so harsh but that's how I feel being the one living as a caregiver. Even if my parents were to die tomorrow and leave me everything it would never begin to compensate for what I've given up, and no - after 13 years it's not rewarding or fulfilling and I will never be grateful I made this stupid decision just because my dad kept saying he needed me. My dementia mother has convinced herself that I was homeless and jobless and begged to come live with them and they so nicely said yes. She's told that lie so many times that I'm beginning to be the loser she says I am, which is really pathetic since I've been an executive in more than one top company.

hi badchoices...made me feel so sad when i read your post!! there is nothing worse than caring for your parents and then they don't appreciate it!!! yes, you give up everything for years....and now have to worry about your finances for the future!!! greeeeedy siblings...they will never get it...and most of all feel so sad that your mother says those negative things about you!!! it took my father 3 years to get a new will, which was completely out of date and would have caused me great anguish after they died...and i've been pretty much the sole caretaker. his lack of emotional support for those 3 years...and him telling me to trust my brother made me CRRRAAAAZZY!!! he did not want to upset him after all my efforts!! I NEVER NEW THAT THINGS WOULD TURN OUT LIKE THEY HAVE...if we could see into the future we could have made better choices for ourselves...but all of a sudden shit starts happening...parents are getting very ill...cost a fortune to put them in a home...and here we are!!! thank god my father changed the will...it meant eeeevvvverything to me...and MY PEACE OF MIND!!! i hope and pray something happens to make your life better!!!

My brother for years tried to convince my mother to sell her house and buy one near him, put it in his name and he could have it when she's gone. Then he tried other tactics to try to get her to put his name only on the deed. She told me she wanted her 4 children to share in their inheritance and wished he would stop. Finally, he convinced her to move in with him and his wife for a couple of weeks, that turned into a year. He sold the house somehow and put the money in an account with his and her name only. He got what he wanted. She is alone in his house all day while they work, sits in a chair all day in a diaper, doesn't take baths anymore, just a sponge. I visit twice a month (300 miles) and help her with her hygiene. I've threatened to call the police if they don't hire someone to come once a week to help her. She gets Social Security and Medicare to help, but they won't. I've asked her to come live with us but she's afraid if she leaves, he'll take all her money. Well, it's basically too late now. So I have no sympathy if he has to "listen to a story" or "watch a TV show" he doesn't like. I'm happy she isn't alone, but sad to see her taken advantage of.

WOW KELLYT...that idiot took the house for himself...and mom sits there all day soiled!!!! too bad you didn't move on this problem sooner!! this is a good lesson for all who are reading this post!! do something before that do nothing sibling steals everything!

The one thing I can say is this appears to be a common occurrence. I am experiencing many of the same issues- wrong choices made by a parent who is incompetent and convinced to change her will and POAs, lawyers not considering the source of what is really going on in the "non-family" dynamics before making changes. My mom sits and deteriorates because of the greed and selfishness of the self-centered POAs who only care about themselves and $ they will inherit.......disgusting and sad! How do people live with themselves with this kind of intolerable behavior is beyond me. But, then again, if they NEVER had a soul to begin with, why would they start now?

My story is a little bit different as my sister who lived not far from my mother never had my mother stay in her home a night, mum lived in her own home or funded her own nursing home. Which recently my sister tried to get the deposit of $190,000 refunded to her own personal bank account stating it was a personal loan. This money was withdrawn from my mother’s own bank account and was her own money. Mum passed away at 98 years old last October but my sister had the Will changed to exclude me around 10 months prior this was while my mum was in hospital. She told my mother I would not go and see her in hospital yet my sister did not inform me she was in hospital, apparently mum got so upset, my sister coerced her to change this Will over this. My sister shared the most horrendous gossip to my mother to manipulate her and discredit me and my husband. My sister withheld information from me regarding mum even details about her funeral, she was totally annoyed if I went to see my mother. I live interstate but have put a lot of effort into my mother to help her over the years and my father before he died. My sister had Power of Attorney over my mother’s affairs. My mother wanted to give both my sister and myself $5000 each a few years ago, I asked my sister about this after 6 months or so she said I have got mine and yours is here, I never received mine and fully believe my sister withdrew $10,000 for herself and had mum think I was not appreciative. My sister given power of attorney she took total control as if everything was hers. I asked mum while she was in the nursing home if I could have a couple of items I gave her as presents over the years, mum wanted me to have these things back, they were only small items, I asked my sister for them but never received a thing. In this case I think my sister even if she took her to the Doctor or picked up her prescriptions my mother was bullied and poisoned and would have been much better off without my sister. Not all people left to care for the elderly have their best interested at heart but these old people are vulnerable and some children take every advantage of this. This is not an answer but circumstances are all different.

I just posted a threat on this topic...from the other side.

Mom insists on changing the will....I am afraid that my brother will cause no end of hassle when he learns she removed him from it completely.

Still trying to figure out how to protect myself...or get mom to drop it.

KAtie kate I have that situation but with good reason I have to say. When Mum made that decision to remove someone from the will she was told that she should acknowledge their existence and preferably leave a letter for them to underline quite clearly WHY she had removed them from the will. Sometimes an advocate will advise that she also leaves them 1$or £1 whatever your currency is so that they are recognised in the will. It does prevent a challenge. Also if there is some concern re dementia you will need to have professional proof (in the form of a letter from a dementia specialist) that she has the capacity to understand her actions AND that even if she changes her mind later she may no longer have the capacity to change her will.

My dad lived with my brother and sis in law and paid them on a monthly basis a salary as well as paid 1/3 of the bills. Now that's dad passed there was no squabbling and what dad left in his trust was equally divided between myself and my two brothers and no hard feelings between siblings. I know this is because brother and sis in law were well compensated for their care.

The sister here probably feels well put upon and is trying to get what she feels she's well worth as she has been the one caring for mom on a day to day for how long??? Have you or brother even come and stayed with mom giving sis a break at anytime? I'm sure your 98 year old mom, though she's not with total memory problems, needs a LOT of daily care and needs someone around nearly 24/7. If you don't have caregivers for her, then your sister is it and in my opinion is entitled to more then only 1/3....that does not compensate her for giving her life to mom for how long now?

Maybe if you make it more equal for her now, or convince your mom to do so, she'll quit trying to get her mom to change her will and things can calm down? I'm betting, the way she see's it, you and brother aren't doing your fair share of caring for mum... it would be like the three of you are offered a job digging a ditch and you and brother sit on the sideline, occasionally handing sister a new shovel once in awhile, while she digs the whole ditch, and then when you get paid for the job, you all get equal amounts. How would you feel?

I think it's time to have a family pow wow.... And as for sis living there for free....I think you can see I feel sister deserves more then just room and board... She deserves a SALARY!

That's easy. All you have to do if your mom is competent is have her remove the abusive sister as POA. You can also report this to APS. What I was also thinking is if the sister is threatening the elder, someone who can needs to step up to the plate and tell that sister goodbye! If she's threatening not to do stuff for the elder unless the elder cooperates and gives her desired gain then I personally would say goodbye and good riddance! If that's all she's after then she's not worth having as a helper because this kind of thing goes on too much and it's up to people who can to stop it or we're no better than the bad people. What you can do now is make a police report since there's already existing theft of property. You can have legal help getting a search warrant and confiscating all of the jewelry and her house and having your mom identify what is hers and returning to the original thief what belongs to the thief. I would also have that search warrant go through the thief's house and confiscate anything else that's missing from your mom's house and return it to her. It would also be smart on someone's part to become your mom's guardian. Then, that guardian can press charges against the thief and have any missing money restored to the rightful owner. If the thief has any assets, the courts can order a lien be put against those assets and bank accounts can be levied. Then, that guardian can press charges against the thief and have any missing money restored to the rightful owner. If the thief has any assets, the courts can order a lien be put against those assets and bank accounts can be levied  and that sister can be evicted from your mom's home and back rent can be collected from her bank account. If she doesn't have enough money, her check can be garnished and her assets liquidated to compensate her victim. It sounds to me like laws need to be reinforced and even stricter with stiffer fines and punishments. 

Finally, have you thought of setting up hidden surveillance video that you can watch remotely from another location? That way, if you can set up hidden cameras throughout this house in question, you can catch on video exactly what's going on and win because there will be a time and date stamp. Make sure to keep a copy for yourself but definitely turn the video and two police and APS as well as an eldercare lawyer. 

Another smart move is to take video inventory of everything your mom has of value and even set up some kind of hidden camera over what's left of any of the valuables 

I have a few questions. I have read most responses to this post and I keep hearing the same questions in my mind. Who has actual proof she is doing these things? Sounds like hearsay and quite honestly, paranoia. Who is filling your ears with this info? Is it in your nature to actually pick up the phone and ask your Mom directly if there is any validity to these accusations or is this a witch hunt founded on gossip and feelings? There are a few facts that should be cleared. First, sister has no power to get your Mom to change the POA if your Mom has dementia, attorney's cannot do that if she is mentally compromised. Second, you need actual proof that sister is threatening Mom, not just water cooler gossip. 3rd. If the will or trust will has already spelled out who gets what, no need for worrying about her getting the property unless she decided prior to give it to her.
Try giving up your life to work and caregiving, it will drive you quickly into burnout. It's easy to just send money here and there but not really be involved in the daily care. That is also a choice, I am sure nobody is forcing that. Sister should not have to pay rent if she is caregiving, much cheaper than an ALF or home care professionals. Jeez, can't we ever quit from fighting over our parents money and possessions while they are in the end stages of life? Imagine if your kids did that with you! What a way to go.

I guess I just don't understand any of the fighting for money. When my father died he left everything to my step mom, I feel that was appropriate... Whatever she chooses to do with it when she dies will be fine too. I still care for her and always will. I am listed as her medical POA...I know nothing about who she will give their home or money to and don't really care.

I care for my mom 24/7 in my home. She has Alzheimer's. My step father (they have been married over 40 yrs) is in control of all money and property...I feel this is appropriate too. My sister and brother are counting the days to inheritance and ask me how much money there will be. I have no idea and don't count on any.

My MIL also is cared for by my husband and I. We have done so all of our 40 years of marriage as she doesn't drive or speak English. She has 2 homes without mortgages that she paid for. One is in my BILs name with hers, the other is in my SIL name with hers.... She is now concerned that they will take the homes and we will get nothing. We have told her it doesn't matter..we just want medical POA so we can be sure she is cared for, medically.

If you think this is because I have lots of money of my own, you are wrong. I was a teacher, in Arizona (one of the lowest teacher salaries in US). My husband made about the same as I do. He had to retire early for health reasons. I am working on curriculum from home so I can care for mom. I didn't work for 15 years while I had and raised our 5 children. We live a very modest life. 

Loving and caring for our parents is a part of unconditional love for family...we should not be worrying about how many changes money we will get. 
This said I agree that we do need to make sure our LO is not taken advantage of...money taken from them that may be needed for their care should the need arise. That is where I will fight!