Hello- I have posted questions on this site before and I find the answers to be both informative and supportive....so Thanks!
Here is my next dilemma:
Mom is 77 with Dementia. Very alert and very sociable. Loves to chat. But, does not remember one thought from another within a 5 min. period. Often tells the same story over and over like it's her first time telling it.
Q: How do we react? Do we pretend that it is our first time hearing it or do we correct her and let her know that she is telling the same story for the 4th time this hour?
Next situation: Mom will call on the phone with a question or an issue. She might be stressed about something. We spend about 15 minutes on the phone assuring her all is taken care of (bill paid, home maintenance issue taken care of, etc). But, she can't seem to commit it to memory. After 15 minutes and calming her down, she will call back 20 minutes later with the same issue. No recollection of the previous phone conversations.
Q: Do we just continue to have the same phone conversation over and over throughout the day? How do we get her to commit the point to memory (we have convinced her to write it down, but sometimes she does not). Unfortunately, we have had to stop taking the call knowing that by tomorrow morning, the thought will be gone. At times, she will get angry that we are not taking her calls....even though we have talked to her 5 times already today about the same issues.
Just not sure what the proper approach is with the repeats. Thanks for any advice
Re: The phone calls — She’s perseverating. Where does she live? Does she *need* to have access to a phone? Does she live alone? That should change. Is she in AL? Maybe no more phone? It sounds like some of the issues may be anxiety driven. Does her Dr have her on anything for that? You will never get her to commit anything to memory. Stop trying. If by some random quirk something does magically stick, rejoice! But don’t expect it on the regular.
Try to refocus her. My mother still does crossword puzzles, even hard ones, so we now pass the book back and forth and fill in 3 answers each and then confer. Not that she needs my help, but that makes it a shared experience. And, it stops the repetitive questions while we are doing the puzzles. Also, she loves Scrabble. I hate Scrabble, but I play it with her.
When her mind is occupied elsewhere, the questions stop.
Writing things down probably won't work all the time because she wants reassurance, or won't remember that they are written down.
One new idea: I did get a large dry-erase wall calendar, hung it on the wall where she can easily see and reach it, that is designed for a month. She loves it. I write in her appointments and people's birthdays, and I update it every time I visit, and also every month --- meaning to change the dates to the current month. And, she adds things too, sometimes -- nobody can read what she writes, but we don't tell her that. I got one that is also magnetic, with a side space to put stuff, so she can put photos on one side. When I first bought it, she said NO, she did not want it. After 2 months, she was totally on board.
On the phone, if she has the mental capacity, ask her what she watched on tv, or if she wants to know about the news, or just start telling her something that's happening that she used to be interested in. My mother gets a TV guide weekly. Yes, the printed kind. She circles what she wants to watch. At least twice a week, we talk about what's on, and whether she has circled it, etc. That makes her happy.
Of course you don't want to make your mother annoyed or frightened by not taking her calls. But you have to be fair to yourself; and it is worth bearing in mind that just as she can't retain the information, she won't either retain her annoyance at getting the voicemail message.
With the anecdotes, just join in as enthusiastically as you can; and try chipping in the odd question to see if you can divert her along a tangent.
OMG. You are my BFF for the day. Because what you said is so true.
I hope that the OP reads your reply.
Sometimes I have a "bad" phone call with my mother, and then I feel terrible, and don't sleep.....and the next day I call, or she calls, and she doesn't remember the "bad" phone call.
If I have heard a story more than 3 times, I change the subject entirely. She isn't aware and I don't want to hear the same story over and over.
She's also started co-opting other people's dramas. She tells the story of losing her gallbladder, when the truth is, I am the only kid to have had mine out and the story she tells about it is MINE. Right down to the Dr.'s name, whom I have long since forgotten. We don't correct her, there's no point.
Can't remember my grandkids names but can tell you the plot to a 50 yo Bonanza episode.
A few weeks ago mentioned I was going to the drs. She went off on a tirade about some Dr. named the same as mine. I guess that this doc was 'pill pusher' you could get anything from him, mostly narcotics. She was just NOT going to let this go, so I left with her wringing her hands that I was seeing a quack.
I googled this Dr she was talking about--and it was true--but happened in TN and happened over 15 years ago. Makes me wonder how short circuited her brain is becoming. And that's MY DNA too.
At times when she is centered and persistant on something, we redirect. Tell your mother that you'll get with her later so she can make sure you are doing everything right but you did pay her bills just like she asked you to.
Her repetition is a challenge but stay with it.
And, my suggestion, if she calls you 20 minutes after the last call and doesn't remember the previous call? Just keep in mind, it's apparently new to her. All over again! Just may be best to go with it, like it's the first time, because in her mind it is the first time.
This may sound odd, but sometimes I think about some of the shenanigans that I pulled as a kid and how when I look back, my parents must have wondered? Oh my, where did we go wrong? Luckily, I kinda think I turned out ok, thanks to them and their patience and understanding, and now take care of my Mom. They were patient with me, and now I try my best to be with her.
I've found it requires just being patient because it where they are. So, I'm patient. I answer the question as if she didn't hear the answer 1 min ago.
My mom is 84 (headed for 85). Not very alert and not very social, Guess what? Same problem! When she does chat, she can’t remember the thought from one minute to the next. Will repeat the same thought over and over or ask the same question over and over.
My reaction varies. I can act as if the question, thought, or whatever subject matter was just spoken. Other times I ask the Lord and Jesus to help me. I do the redirect and question along the same lines or totally different. Other times, I would rater run out in the street and get hit by a bus because I'm dealing with two elders and a mentally ill sister. Most times, it is the first two because all I can think is what if this is me later in life.
Now my dad has not been diagnosed (85). But he will call as your mom about a bill that I have just taken him out to pay (taking mind you) before leaving him for the day and you guessed it, he doesn’t remember. You’re going to have me paying late fees blah, blah, blah. We have gone to church together and by the time I’ve made that 40 plus minute drive back home, he swears he has not been to church, a medical appointment, etc.
You can try, but I don’t think writing it out will help. The paper will either get misplaced or it can be right under the nose, and will be forgotten. Tried that for phone numbers, medical appointments, etc. Big old calendar on the wall with notes, big chalk board, and well.
Mom will at times drift far away it seems and I’ll have to do something silly to bring her back. Yesterday potty visit was a challenge as I helped her remember where to grab to help me help her get there safely. Challenge bank head, omg.
The difference between mom and dad is that he is becoming abrasive whereas mom is still a sweetheart. I’m thinking his Citalopram will have to be changed.
This forum helps just knowing you're not alone.
Blessing to you and family!
Examples: “This is the part of his brain that was able to make plans and execute them. You can see it’s shrunk a lot. This is the part that turns thoughts into words. Shrunken, too. This is the part that determines threat level — it no longer knows how to move from “I’m scared” to “Oh, that’s not anything scary - that’s my wife trying to help me.” Here’s the part that moves something from short- to long-term memory. You can see it is no longer functioning, hence the constant repetitions.”
So now I’m often (working on usually) able to interrupt my knee-jerk irritation by reminding myself, “oh yeah, that’s because the brain cells that know about that are no longer available.” Something about the specificity and the physical visibility of the damage was very freeing for me.
These might be questions and answers for another post but...She should probably not be alone.
To your question.
You have the same conversations with her.
She will not remember even if she writes it down. Soon she will forget how to write or what the written word means.
If she is in a facility maybe you can enlist them to help curb the phone calls. If she is living at home with someone maybe they can help curb the calls.
If Mom does understand what is written if you can get a large White Board and write some of the things down that she calls about that might help her for a while.
But for conversations..you will have the same conversations. You can re direct, you can re word your conversations but she will not remember those either.
Your patience and love will be tried, for sure. If you can manage not to be stressed and not to stress your mom out, this is important. (If she gets stressed this will impair her memory even more.)
As "JesusCare" said below, some day you may miss all these questions and will be grateful that your mother turned to you in her time of need.
as to the conversations see if you can change the channel so to speak. When my mom does this I’ll focus on a name or something and bring up a question or point pertaining to them and get on a different path.
And not to be morbid, but as your mother's disease progresses she will likely lose her ability to speak and to use the telephone. This difficult time will not last forever, just try and remind yourself of that.
My mother is now in a nursing home and tries so hard to converse with me, but everything that comes out is gibberish. That is very difficult, and I find myself just agreeing with everything but sometimes I'm not so sure what I'm agreeing to! My mother has vascular dementia. My aunt had alzheimers, she is now passed, but she kept her ability to speak up until about a month before she passed away. At the same time she was unable to swallow. It has been a very arduous journey, as both of their diseases have presented in very different ways.
Now I visit my mother at her meal times. This way, I feed her and it is a way for us to bond and have a meaningful visit.
Mom's speech therapist told me some things, depending on the type of dementia, can move from short term memory to long term memory, but it takes a lot of time and repetition and even then doesn't always happen. The brain is a miraculous organ. Every night when I tuck my mom in I tell her to stay in bed and don't get up. She now can tell that to me. I will ask her what I always say and she will say stay in bed and don't get up unless I have to go to the bathroom. Does it stop her from wandering the house? Sometimes I think it does. Sometimes she is out of her own head and doesn't have any control over it.
If you are constantly pointing out negative things she will get upset, turn away from you and also feel like she is dumb. I'm sure you don't want her feeling like that. Believe me, I know it gets old fast, but overall, it will keep her calmer and happier.
One of the hardest things for me as a caregiver is living my life like "50 First Dates" and answering the same questions over and over and over, but it is a fact of life in my life and will be there until she eventually stops communicating and I know then I will wish she would pelt me with questions. I try distraction and redirection when she gets into the same thought spiral over and over, but mostly I just have to ride it out and remember it isn't her choice to be like this. She is doing the best she possibly can.
My mom got it into her head to call her lawyer .... 9 times on a holiday weekend & secretary was off on vacation so lawyer had to figure out what calls were - they made no sense so lawyer asked me to take away her phone & sent us a bill for $200.00 - I called & asked the nurse to unplug any wire so that when I got there I told mom her phone wasn't working even trying to call it from my cell but it didn't work so I took off for 'repairs' - she only asked for it twice
Maybe it is time for your mom's phone to go [ I assume that she is in care with a memory like that you describe ] - there is a general use phone & my mom used it a few times but rarely - by the time she decides she wants to call you, then gets your phone number, then goes to the phone she may well have forgotten what/that she wanted to call - something to think about