She kept her 1600 Sq ft home immaculate, her yard was perfect, her hair, makeup, jewelry, was done almost every day and always wore freshly washed and ironed clothing (even to clean house or pick up a fallen leaf).
Why did she move in you ask? We were concerned about her becoming forgetful about taking her medication and not eating properly. She gave up her liscence last month.
My husband wants to baby her, but I suggest that he let her do anything and everything she can because there will come a time when he wished he hadn't.
They were never close and he says he never knew her until spending so much time with her.
She and I are on different planets. I have never seen the world through rose colored glasses as I was raised in a lonely, disfunctional home.
I cannot hang out with her or be her buddy because I don't want to talk about bladder leakage, hair styles, what my dogs did (over and over). My patience is worn thin and counseling for myself is starting in a few days.
Lastly, she can see into my bed from hers.
I have so much rage and don't know how to get her to understand that I will help her in any way I can but I don't want to be her buddy.
Divorce is looming due to my jealousy and anger towards her.
Why would you move a person into your home that you dislike SO much that you say "I have so much rage and don't know how to get her to understand that I will help her in any way I can but I don't want to be her buddy"?? How do you tell your MIL you can't stand her? I don't have a clue.
How are you a "very empathetic person" yet have no compassion or tolerance for this woman at all?
At the bare minimum, move her bed! Or move your bed! Or keep your bedroom door closed 24/7. Living together does not mean you've agreed to give up your privacy and be on display in your bed!
I'm not trying to be mean or difficult here, just trying to understand a situation that makes no sense to me.
"Doing the right thing" does not bring with it extreme rage and jealousy. Doing the right thing has to be done with selflessness and willingness or else you acknowledge it's a mistake and undo it. Doing the right thing also does not drop the ball for MILs care and management entirely into her husband's lap along WITH the refusal to be friends with the woman. That's a hostile environment you're forcing on an invited guest you agreed to have live with you by saying, "We were concerned about her becoming forgetful about taking her medication and not eating properly."
Perhaps if you talked honestly and calmly to DH about your feelings that he's neglecting you, w/o badmouthing his mother at all, maybe then his defenses would relax a bit and you could get thru to him. Most men do not know how to handle extreme rage. At all.
I sincerely hope your therapy helps you come to terms with this w/o getting a divorce. Best of luck to you.
She is not by any means in need of care. She hates to cook and didn't want meals on wheels. She likes the way we cook. Can't even offer to peel a carrot. She peeled many a little over a month ago.
I feel she is milking us for labor. My husband and I are permanently disabled and he can't lift more than 10 lbs. One would think that she would empathize a bit.
I understand not wanting to be a buddy. My MIL wanted this but after she lied a couple of times about me, that was not possible. Your husband should be doing the most for his Mom. You just support him. He also needs to realize that Mom will worsen. I would, if you do not want to be doing it, let him know that you will not be bathing her or toileting her. She is his mother and not yours.
Good Luck with the therapy.
Sorry your MIL doesn’t have money for assisted living .
I ordered (up until recently when I handed over the reigns to her son) her meds, messaged with her doctors, made all appointments (except hair-do day), took care of all business pertaining to her sister in LTC for ALZ, ordered in her groceries, spent many hours dealing with her sister’s Trust as she didn't understand it and was there for her when she called with questions, although some days I put myself 1st and didn't answer. We liv(ed) 2.5 hrs away. I always said it was the right thing to do.
She is capable of washing, dressing, making a special dessert for her son when we went down there, going to CVS to buy cards and cosmetics. She doesn't want to admit things she forgets because that would mean that she isn't the spring chicken she used to be. We tried to find pill reminders, etc to help her remain independent but they weren't accepted.
I have been so upset with my situation and not coming first when she doesn't need to be that I have childish screaming fits and my husband has 'don't talk to me' childish fits and tells me to leave. It's hard to hear those things when 1. I am a co and 2. I have abandonment issues. 3. He talks to her in a calm, caring voice and doesn't offer the same to me and doesn't want to be my sounding board about her and the things that bother me about her (some of the same things that he b*tches about).
In sickness and health, etc... don't seem to apply to me.
I wrote him letters, never pointing fingers, accepting my mental health issues and that I am doing all I can but need time to adjust. It's his mom, not mine and she is night and day to who my mother was. Strong and caring to extended family, neighbors and friends. I learned from her what my responsibilities, as a daughter, are to my family by watching her with my grandma, grandpa and ailing people she knew.
I want it to work. I don't want to be a quitter. I want him to take me side and lift me up. To not aide in my discontent, jealousy, and loneliness.
Well, if you think that is the right thing to do, you must of course go ahead. But no one is going to "lift you up". You will have to face that you made your own choice. And that choice may well kill you. We here have seen it happen.
If your mind is set to do this, there is likely nothing we can say that will either help you or change your mind. We can only wish you the best in your decision.
If she's going to stay with you, she needs friends of her own. She could find them at church, book club, country club, volunteering, a games club, adult day care, etc. etc. etc.
If she's not going to stay with you, she could find everything above as well as more at assisted or independent living.
If you think you're miserable now, think ahead to when she needs assistance with everything. Showering, driving to appointments (of which there will be many as she declines), Depends, making sure she doesn't wander, and so on.
I can't figure out why husband, if they've never been close, moved her to live in your house. What's he doing lately? Continuing with his job, golfing, tinkering with cars, and otherwise his life goes on as it was while you look after mom?
I hope your counselor will help you figure out your next step. Marriage problems like this one seldom go away. Mom will never understand why you don't want to be her best friend. You'll become the bad guy. Be prepared.
Sorry for this mess!
Like already said this really isn't a MIL issue but a marriage issue. And I'm glad you're starting some therapy. Hopefully your husband can join you for some of your sessions.
And if not, then you let him know that you're considering divorce. But don't be too surprised when he's given the ultimatum of either you or his mom that he in fact picks his mom. It sounds like you're already aware of that fact though aren't you?
Life is short and it is precious, and no one should be made to feel second best especially in a marriage. A wife should NEVER have to compete for attention from her husband with her MIL.
So let them live happily ever after together and you get on with living and enjoying your life before you get too old to do so.
But in the meantime either move her bedroom elsewhere or yours. She should not be able to see into yours. That is just wrong on so many levels.
Tell her it is bad feng shui to have a bed that looks out the door. You want to be able to see the door but the foot of the bed should not be in line with the door. (that is called the funeral position)
That should solve the problem of her being able to see into your room.
It sounds like she is pretty active.
If you can get her involved in an Adult Day Program that would take care of a few days a week. Typically they pick up in the morning, drop off late in the afternoon and provide a breakfast, snack, lunch. Plenty of activities.
If there is a Senior Center where she can get involved that would keep her occupied as well.
If she is able lots of places look for Volunteers. The Hospice where I volunteer has some volunteers call patients families and ask if they need any supplies, other volunteers do office work. the Senior Center near me has volunteers that call members that can no longer get out of the house, the call is just a friendly call checking in on them.
Now...
You say she moved in because "WE" were concerned....
Was it a "we" or was it your husband?
Is Assisted Living a possibility? She would have someone checking on her meds, giving her help when and if she needed it.
I hope MIL moving in was a unanimous choice and not one forced upon you. If it was forced...and it sounds like it was this is a discussion you need to have and let your husband know exactly how it is effecting you and your thoughts.
And from your last sentence...make sure you protect yourself.
OH...and make sure ANY caregiving is done by your husband. Toileting, baths or showers, dressing.....
You aren't dealing with a MIL problem but with a marriage problem, and your mentioning divorce as an option lets me know you already know this.
I am glad you are seeking support of a counselor.
I am so sorry that this choice to move Mom/MIL in was made. For me, a husband doing this without discussion and permission and negotiation and rechecking that it works for ALL MEMBERS of the household would mean a divorce.
Again, I am so very sorry.
He needs to be told that this is no longer working and his mother needs to go to assisted living . Hopefully your MIL has money to pay for her care . Some but not all states will pay for assisted living with Medicaid . Do not use your own money .
I’m so sorry you are in this situation .
I'm unclear on the issue with sightlines, but maybe OP can put something around her own bed--something like one of those borders used for cubicles? Post-2020/2021 it must be easy to get one of those cheap.