I lost my mom 22 years ago (age 49), my younger brother two years ago (age 39) and now my dad this past September (age 76). My mother in law has for years made comments about not socializing with widows anytime I mentioned my dad. Now that he passed away her first comment was to ask if I would take the kids out of school to attend the funeral out of state. Has since remarked about the wonderful summer she had with my kids while I was out of State taking care of my ill dad. (she happened to be visiting us over the summer while my dad was sick). Has asked me if I am over it and to move on. Has asked me how he died and says she can imagine how it happened. It's been one insensitive comment after the other. How do I handle it? When my brother passed away she called my husband asking for him to come visit her as he and my brother were not close so it didn't matter that he be with me during this period. Meanwhile my husband gave the eulogy at my brothers funeral and they were close. Not sure how to handle her. Been avoiding speaking to her because she acts like she has no clue how rude she is even though my husband has tried to explain it to her. Thank you for your input!
I know. I'm so sorry. ::hugs:: But, you can make additional, new "family". Over the years, that's what I've done. There's the family we're born with, and then there's the family we make from friends who love us. I know it's not the same as having your dear parents and brother with you, but you can still fill your life with other loved ones, if you haven't already.
I also know that the holidays are especially hard. Maybe you and your husband can go and do some new, fun things for the holidays? I can't face this first Christmas at home without Dad, so we're going out of town for Christmas instead, and doing something completely different. Maybe you can do something similar, and get away from your insensitive MIL, and that way your husband isn't in the middle? Just a thought, anyway.
It's also a way of finding out if you are now available to provide the narcissist's care - the answer is "boundaries" and "I'm so overwhelmed right now that I can't possibly take anything else on." Don't pick up the phone and My thoughts are with you right now. let your husband talk to his mother.
Otherwise, when people like that say hurtful things, here are some responses you could try:
"Why would you say such a thing?" or "What makes you say that?" (Then wait for the answer.)
"What you just said was very hurtful."
"I don't appreciate your insensitive comments."
If all else fails, "Wow, look at the time, I've gotta run!" and then hang up the phone, or if she's in person, simply leave.
You can't control what someone else does or says, but it IS perfectly ok to protect yourself, and put up some boundaries. I hope it gets better for you!