When i visit i do at dinner (she's worse other times and more prone to scenes) and bring that, a wee bit of wine she loves, spend 2 hours and inevitably when i finally have to go i get "i thought you were gonna stay over" . She has own room but a tiny bed she thinks we'll both fit in. I either say ...gotta go feed all the cats..or there's no room for 2 in this bed.. and pretend I'll go sleep in living room. This is of course after her asking me who's house this is, or who's room/where do i go now, or "i thought i was going home with you". Nothing seems to work, unless she's had her dementia meds before and she's exhausted, but they hold them when I'm coming.
(She has the alzheimers version where she's shouting at the world and beligerent before i go in her room, so she's on tons of meds of course.)
Should i sit in a chair and wait for her to fall asleep? I don't know if she'd even get into the bed if I'm there - or tell them to give 1/2 her meds before i go? They don't wanna mix her meds with the little wine but they give them as soon as i leave anyway.
That said, my mother would insist I stay with her in her Memory Care AL room as well. I'd wait to leave till right before dinner time when she'd be distracted, then remind her it was against the rules for me to spend the night....then I'd make my escape. She'd get busy with dinner and forget all about everything.
Ativan did help mom with the late afternoon Sundowning agitation, too. Terrible situation, AD and dementia. I feel your pain.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
I do have the same problem with my mother though! I think that sticking with one consistent reason to leave helps since it is less confusing and more likely to be remembered. I too have a cat at home who needs feeding and I do use that. (It turns out that the animal excuse that really works is that I also bring my three dogs when I visit and she can’t handle when one of them barks but she is in an independent living cottage. She does offer to put me up in a motel but then I remind her of the cat as well.) She has begrudgingly learned that the cat is my big reason for going home rather than a motel. I will often take advantage of when she is watching tv and really into a show as a good time to leave. The distraction seems to help her accept that I am leaving. She will go to bed herself when she does fall asleep watching tv but she often spends most of the night in the recliner before she wakes up enough to move.
If your mother is somewhere with 24 hour care can you just ask them to make sure she does move into the bed after you leave if you stay until she falls asleep on her chair? If she usually gets her meds earlier when you are not there then why not ask them to give her the full dose before you leave? They should be able to give them with whatever drink they usually use, not the wine, since they can’t do that legally I believe. If the cats aren’t an acceptable reason to leave then I agree with the “therapeutic fib” approach, before my mother accepted the cats needs I had to come up with things as well.
My mother also has no sense of time so I do tell her that I will be back again the next day or so and that calms her.
I wish you luck!
I am very sorry if you thought that we were overreacting about the wine. Our intention was to help. It was not meant as being overly critical or a judgment about you personally.
You can always call a pharmacist to ask about the interactions between alcohol consumption with meds if you are unsure.
You said that the staff doesn’t like to medicate her after she has had her “wee” bit of wine. I would respect their opinion on this matter. After all, they are the ones who have to deal with her after you leave.
Also, if you read our entire post, we do offer advice and we weren’t only addressing the “wee” bit of wine issue.
I’m sure that you know that alcohol and certain meds don’t mix, especially in an elderly person.
Wishing you all the best. Everyone understands how hard it is to be a caregiver. We have gone through it ourselves.
Take care.
If she doesn't eat enough she gets zero. And eve is the best time sundowners or not. She's alone then in her room and not dealing w the other patients and getting more agitated.
Is it useful or detrimental?
Would non-alcoholic be just as social?
Do you need to visit at dinner time (usually worst sundowner time) or can you visit at other times?
When my SO was waiting to be transferred from the hospital to a hospice facility (I told him he was going to a place where he'd be more comfortable but didn't say hospice or ambulance), he didn't understand why he couldn't get dressed & just leave. Explaining waiting for paperwork and test results only frustrated him, & he was in no condition to wear clothes. So I told him the guys were coming in their truck. They had his clothes, but they got stuck in traffic, so they were late. For some reason, that satisfied him. He didn't ask who the guys were.
I know this is frustrating, and I hope you find something that works.
I agree that you should stop bringing her wine.
1) We have old-fashioned hollow stemmed champagne glasses, and when there are kids they have their sparkling apple juice in them. It looks really special. Worth a try?
2) Where I am, there is an increasing number of no-alcohol wines on the market. Sometimes even in the supermarket, as no licence is required. I think they are a waste of drinking time, but they could be worth a try too.
3) You could give no-alcohol red a kick with something like tabasco sauce. Decanted into an empty red wine bottle, they could be ‘this new thing that’s all the rage at the moment’. A vinegar-sugar mix into soft drink. all decanted into white wine bottles might work too.
Lots of fuss to keep the ‘special occasion’ feeling, which is at least as important as alcohol. And perhaps a pre-arranged phone call to tell you when it’s time to go home.
You don’t have to stay with her. Stay as long as you are comfortable. You don’t have to stay until she falls asleep.
I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s so hard to see our parents declining. Wishing you peace.
”But she loves it so much!”
Doesn’t matter. “But it’s our time together, our ritual.” It’s potentially harmful, and so you change it.
It might be much better if you don’t stay till she goes to sleep. Your presence there may agitate her. You may not think so, but you’re dealing with a whole different brain now. She’s not normal, so things that we take in stride affect her much differently.
Good luck, and I am sorry this is happening.
It is ok to tell her any "therapeutic fib" so that you can leave and it keeps her in a calm state. You can probably even tell her you'll be back in a minute and she might not even remember. Whatever works.
I would not mix the meds with wine. Ethically the aids can't knowingly do that, either. Can you give her sparkling grape or apple juice instead?