How to deal with no help from family?

You said you "had" to move back in with your Mother... Sorry but that was your choice...

I do understand how you feel though I have 7 siblings and only 1 comes to see Mom which gives me a day off which I spend with my husband..

As far as your Mom's Will it's her money your all her children..

If you want to continue caregiving for your Mom you should make an appt with a Attorney who specializes in Elder Law.. Have Mom make you her POA both medical/financial and have Atty write up a Caregiver Agreement. Mom would pay you from her funds for all you do for her 24/7.. She can also change her Will if she wants...

If she can't afford to pay you and you can't afford to keep her home, then I would look into Assisted Living or Nursing Home care for her.. Any willed property or funds would need to be spent to pay for her care, so that would take care of the even shared Will...

My brother is the favored child. His is POA. If i had help like a day off here and there or if my siblings would just even call her and ask how she is or can i do anything for you this wouldnt even be an issue. My choice to move in because shes my Mother. Now realizing I shoulda did everthing differently.

Thank you for your advice. I will talk to a lawyer on own.

marymack, I am pretty much in the same situation, but I don't let it bother me. I'm a bit more secure since I have some retirement savings. With the lull in my sales these past two years, unfortunately, I've already had to tap into it.

The thing is that I know I can take care of myself if I need to. It sounds like you seriously need to get a job you can depend on to support yourself. There are too many options for your mother's care to sacrifice yourself on the altar of caregiving. You can work and your mother can be cared for by using her own money to pay for the care. Assisted living is in the reach of most seniors if they will just sit down and crunch the numbers.

Many seniors don't want to go into assisted living, but to expect one child to sacrifice their livelihood and retirement so the parent won't be inconvenienced is too much. You have a duty to take care of yourself when no one else is doing it. Then you can help with your mother in the time you have remaining. Talk to the POA to map out a plan for the future.

Mary, your profile says your Mother is 50 years old and you moved in with her 5 years ago. Is that age correct? If yes, may I ask what in fact are her health issues that is making her frail at such a young age?

Oh no i have to change that. Mom is 85. Thanks for alerting me.

Thats what alot of people say. To leave. But in my heart i know she wont be taken care of. Normally i wouldnt care about anything she has but its hard knowing three siblings will run to collect and i will be completely devastated. My life is her. Ive calmed down a bit from the other day. I guess i have to accept the reality of the situation and just know i was there for her.

It's sad when there's other people around and the caregiving becomes the burden of just one person. I agree with the fact that someone can always change their will if they want to. Sometimes a person will do the right thing and make sure the people closest to them has goods or money distributed to them when they're gone. I only hope that your loved one will take things into serious consideration in this particular case. It's just not fair if people collect without ever contributing to the elderly persons care before they died. The only exception would be certain cases where they weren't allowed to visit or they were abused by that person. Depending on the case, family members and their situations should be seriously considered because sometimes we never know how a situation was. This can be especially hard for outsiders to know why family members don't step in and help when the outsider may end up having to take on part or all of a task. If the family members were estranged from someone who's now about to die, it's always best to learn the truth as to the real reasons why they were estranged because it may be that they had to become estranged for safety reasons.
For instance, my bio parents were especially abusive to the point I almost died. When they got up in age I was definitely not required to take care of them because they lost their parental rights because of this unique case.

I don't know what your situation is with the other family members, but it would be a good thing to find out why each and every family member won't step up to the plate and help. I'm not sure what could've gone on in private between your loved one and the other family members that may be keeping them away. What you should do is start by interviewing each and everyone of your family members and find out why they are not helping you to take care of your elderly loved one. When you approach them, you want to do it in a gentle and nonjudgmental manner. Try to find out as much as you can. Try listening as much as possible to everything each person has to say and definitely take notes. Write down everything that I have to say on some kind of note pad. See if each of your family members ever had a problem with the person you're now taking care of, because you never know what could've transpired behind your back and in secret.

I would generally agree with the approach where you seek some advice locally including an elder law attorney and your local agency on aging to help you to think through and figure out options. From my vantage point, I would suggest you talk to your mother (and your brother if he has POA) about utilizing the value of the house to pay for in home care. This can relieve you from having to do all of the caregiving (you would still need to do some). It also starts to chip away at the value of the equity in the home so that becomes less of an issue. These things will take away the resentment and allow you to work more hours. You're more immediate options for the home could be something like a reverse mortgage. Down the road a little bit or even sooner you could apply for Medicaid for home care (which could lead to nursing home care paid by Medicaid if it gets to be too much in the home.) With Medicaid, they use the value of the home after death to pay for costs so this would make the home in the will a nonissue. Well wishes

I was thinking that if the house is in a will, it may have actually been better to transfer the house to the name of the intended party long before ever getting Medicaid. In fact, families who own businesses often do this sometime after retirement book before they decline to the point of needing assistance. I don't know if your loved one already has Medicaid, but if not, transferring the house might very well be a very wise move. You may want to explore the options on this one into see what's available in order to save the family headache and heartache later.

so sibling has no care or use for our mother except her money...I on the other hand protect and take care of her but there is a serious issue that is making me distance myself....everything I go to do and everything our mother goes to do must be done so my sister does not get upset and blow into a rage...no regard or concern about how I feel, the whole world revolves around everyone tippy toeing and make sure sister dearest does not get upset and everything sets her off, in fact they just got 16000.00 from my mother and are setting to get a larger sum probably meaning in the end I'll end up with nothing but costs...hows that for gratitude

oh and this is another thing, there is enough money in the estate that would make sister happy however I have fond memories in the house and would like it, however the way it is set up I'll end up with next to nothing while non caring sibling will probably end up with the house and money...not fair but at least I can say I did the right thing in the end

This story is so similar to very many out here. Assisted Living facilities are expensive whether they are individual homes ( $1500-$4000 in Md.) or larger hospital style facilities ($4500-$10,000.) and most will only accept private funds. My mother-in-law, 88, jumped from a window at one ALF home setting and walked out an unlocked door at another. She doesn't have enough money to live at an upscale facility and too much money to qualify for any Maryland State aid. You have to be dirt poor with zero assets or filthy rich. Hospitals want them out, they consider it free babysitting when most need long term care, 24x7. AND, don't be silly, you get what you pay for....maybe. Then the funds run out and you have to start all over again trying to secure a safe, clean, caring environment. Elder care lawyers are $2200 and up in Maryland. If you didn't get the POA prior to the full onset of the dementia/Alzheimer's, the patient is then incompetent so now you need another $3000 and up to petition the court system for guardianship. It's a huge money racket and the elderly are suffering significantly not to mention their caregivers---even those whom are paid because they are under paid on top of being subjected to such depressing environments. And whoever chooses to be the in -home family caregiver is typically on their own for many reasons....jobs, families, their own illness, geography, AND being a caregiver drains you even when you try to split it up among a bunch of people. AND who wants to give up their life ? We do it out of love and respect, but mostly guilt which then reinforces the other negatives like the will and the house etc. But you don't have to worry if you live in MARYLAND about a will or house because the cost to care for your aging relative will drain every penny. I would love to have that as one of the debate questions for the upcoming elections. Obamacare may have given 17 million more people health insurance but it hasn't done one thing for the elderly with the awful disease of DEMENTIA /ALZHIEMERS. The Government wants us to work until we're 70 or above but they also want us to tend to our aging parents and relatives without any help from the government. Most elderly women and minorities of 2016 didn't have high paying jobs 55-70 years ago and so their monthly social security is low even if they outlived their spouses and can take their benefit over their own. And then there is the Veterans benefits that put you through hell and back to get. It really is a joke. And again unless you are really financially up there, say goodbye to any assets or savings. Adult day care? $95-$110 per day. In-home nurse? $25 per hour. Good luck to everyone out there. I guess soon they will just deport the elderly....they are too slow to get away and too demented to know how to get back!!

MaryMack-
I am sorry for the situation you are in. It's certainly not uncommon for one sibling to step up and do the lion's share of the work and the rest to think that this is all great and fine.
Can you TALK to your sibs? Tell them straight up how you are feeling (used and abused). If they don't know, how can they help you? If they don't care, then you are no worse off than you are now.
I hope you are not looking to mom's will to make your life "better". Wills are distributed "evenly" as a rule, unless someone has already received their "portion" and are written out. Or if a parent is particularly vindictive and uses the will as a bargaining chip. We should NOT expect anything from our parents and it's not our "right" to. If they want to leave us something, fine. If they wanted to leave it all the Humane Society, we can't do much about that.

You sound very depressed. You can't be a good caregiver if you are. Take care of yourself first. Then talk to the sibs. (Good luck with that). Maybe it is time to move mom into a care center. And yes, that will eat up a lot of money. If you do not want to move mom, use the advice given earlier to reverse mortgage or something to get a paid caregiver in for mom. Get a job that works you more, pays you more and helps you to have a sense of value. Where will mom be if you get totally burned out? I see my brother who has chosen to keep mom in his home--he is a mess. Won't accept help, for some reason, and complains bitterly.
Take care of you first, though. You do seem overly concerned about the will. Put that in the back of your mind, or just forget about it, OK? When my FIL died, all 3 sibs inherited equally, even tho BIL never did a thing to help him. Nothing. My hubby was executor and split everything exactly in thirds. To the penny. It bothered me, at first, but then I realized hubby was just doing exactly what his dad wanted, and it didn't have ANYTHING to do with me. Life is basically unfair, why should the death of someone be any different? Swallow the bitter pill of knowing you "deserve" more, but won't likely get it. And move on. But, please, get yourself some help, OK?

I noticed that you said there is a sister that's using your mom for the money. If your mom is competent I'm not sure there's really anything you can do about her giving away all of her money. However, if she's not competent, then perhaps you may consider going for guardianship which gives you power over all of her affairs, including financial. Guardianship allows you to stop this sister from using your mom for money, meaning you can put a stop to it by preventing her from getting another dime. Guardianship also allows you to go after the money that this sister has already taken from your elderly mom. It sounds to me like this sister is probably just using your mom as mentioned here, and it sounds to me like it's time to put a stop to it. If you can obtain guardianship, you can see to it that all of your mom's assets are spent toward her care. This would definitely stop this sister from draining your mom's finances any further. If something is not done to stop your moms finances from being depleted, there will be nothing left when she needs something, especially if some of her care is already coming out of her pocket. I mean, what will happen to her if she runs out of money when she needs it most? Just ask yourself that, and you'll see a reason to put a stop to this sister from getting another dime, and you can also go after her for what she's already taken.

All you have to do is get an elder care attorney who specializes in these types of matters and tell that attorney that this sister has actually taken advantage of your mom financially. If you know how to word it just right, you can actually get your sister for swindling money out of your mom. It's one thing for her to be competent enough to give the money, it's another for her not to be competent and have someone stealing from her. If this sister happens to be on your mom's account, see if you can move her money to a new account by simply calling the Social Security office (if she's getting Social Security). Another thing you can do is to remove the sister's name from your mom's account. You may also want to explain to the current bank that this sister is taking advantage of your mom and that your mom is "not well." That should get the bank moving on behalf of your mom to stop what is going on. Bring to the bank's attention the large amount that you told us here, because that should get the bank very suspicious enough to act. If possible, take with you any records that you happen to have.

Your next move should be to alert the APS and tell them what's going on like you did the bank. Just tell the APS exactly what you told the bank, and that should be enough for them to take a report. The more information you can give them, the more likely they will step in. I hope that you can use these tips and stop this sister or anyone else from taking advantage of your mom financially, because this is exactly what's happening I'm afraid. Elders can easily be taken advantage of financially, which is why they need advocates to protect them during their golden years. No one should be taken advantage of during that last part of life, and especially not financially. Money is saved up to care for one's own self, and whatever's left over goes to the children after all other expenses are paid, including the funeral.

I'm sure someone on this thread mentioned something about a sister taken advantage of an elderly mom, I thought I spotted that on my way through here, especially hearing so much about this kind of thing, and yes, the stories are all so very similar

Well -- I alone am in charge (but, I am an only child). However, I don't think it matters -- I am a lawyer & usually "it" all falls on one person!

This is a common problem. Usually the caregiving falls on the female sib in the family.

Thank you for your suggestions. I will seek help for my depression before ir gets worse. I kinda lost myself. Have talked to the siblings. Did nothing. At this point I will make a point to just take a day off.

Also get yourself to a psychiatrist who can give you some meds.

Hello marymack,

If you´re feeling that drained, look into other options! In my culture the elders expect to be cared for by their kids and usually hand over their money to pay for their care, but not my GreedSer; he eats what we buy, wastes all kinds of food because he´s so damned picky & creates a horrendous scandal everytime money (he has many bank acounts)is brought up! We also have my mother the manipulator, but she´s generous with the cash (doesn´t have much).
I don´t think it´s fair if one person is sacrificing their life & all sibblings get the same share when the elder passes. My brother had my dad for 7 months, was exploited because GreedSer thinks that 3000CAD is enough to pay my brother for three 5000km (1 week´s drive each time) trips across the country to rescue my father, caring & feeding him for at least 7 months) & putting up with his ABUSIVE personnality; he has accused my brother of stealing from 10K to 100K from him...the total is different each time the accusation is thrown.
He verbally abuses my son & I, says we´re satans, thieves, advantage takers (he claims to have been supporting me & my family for over 30 years)...a very mean, hateful person...everything deteriorated after my youngest sister passed 10 months ago!
My sister and I will now have both parents to look after; I hope they don´t last forever because we will be DONE!
The caretaker should get a salary or a bigger share of the estate...this is how I see it! Hugs

I'm sorry you are so upset with your family but they are the ones I really feel sorry for. You are creating memories everyday with your mother and they aren't getting that time with her (by their own choice). When she's gone they will have missed out and you can't get that back. In the end it is you who are doing the right thing, taking care of your mother is a privilege! She raised you, took care of you when you were sick it's only right you should take care of her in her time of need. Your siblings are the ones that are missing out, at least that how I see it in my similar situation. I cherish every moment with my mother!

Hi Mary, it defiantly sounds like you need support, not just with moms care, but to take care of yourself as well. Many family caregivers find themselves in your exact situation, caring for mom with able sibling but it all falls on you. Since you have an array of needs, concerns, and challenges it may be in your best interest to contact your local area agency on aging or if there is a caregiver resource center in your area that could help you and give you guidance on what steps you could take. There are support programs out there to help family caregivers in these exact situations. Another support could be an online or face to face support group. You defiantly are not alone in this and there are other caregivers around that can also support you through this journey.

Lovemymommy, I don´t really feel sorry for Mary´s sibblings for they´re getting the easy way out, and shouldn´t really get the same inheritance is as her, if she´s doing all the caretaking & sacrificing to take care of her mother. Some elders are extremely difficult & demanding...

Oh, I agree that the inheritances shouldn't be the same--but if that's what the will states, then you have to abide. It's rotten and unfair, for sure. My eldest brother "robbed" my parents of well over $100,000 over the years. Mother called it his "Inheritance". My youngest sister took over $60,000 to pay off huge CC debt, mother called THAT her inheritance. The brother who is the executor told me recently that all that is left, split equally between the 4 remaining sibs "won't but a used car...a cheap used car". So, no, not "justice" and not "equal" by any means. And this is only if we don't have to put mother in a NH or something. Then we will actually all have to help out. I wish my parents had been better at money management. For their own sakes.

Mary mac: there are many reasons why some siblings don't step up to the plate. I have 2 sisters and one brother along with the sister who watches our 90 yr old mom. Me and my brother are still working fulltime and travel far back and forth to work everyday. We share watching our mom on weekends. One of my sister is disabled and can't help out much at all. My other sister watches her 4 young grandchildren, none of whom are in school yet. The sister who watches mom has unreal expectations for all of us. She wants my sister to release care of her grandchildren whom she watches so her daughter can work. She is bitter because my brother and I still work fulltime. We have all offered to chip in to get a home care assist for mom but sis refuses saying it costs too much. Forget assisted living, sis refuses saying mom wont get good care anywhere else. Sis makes all the calls and then complains. She is her own worst enemy. She refuses all help when nieces offer to help here and there. I believe she likes the drama. So don't judge of why siblings don't help....there are many reasons why they don't...mainly because they can't.

I wish that people that are considering being a caretaker would be made to realize that "no one is going to help." It is awful.

Mary mac: there are many reasons why some siblings don't step up to the plate. I have 2 sisters and one brother along with the sister who watches our 90 yr old mom. Me and my brother are still working fulltime and travel far back and forth to work everyday. We share watching our mom on weekends. One of my sister is disabled and can't help out much at all. My other sister watches her 4 young grandchildren, none of whom are in school yet. The sister who watches mom has unreal expectations for all of us. She wants my sister to release care of her grandchildren whom she watches so her daughter can work. She is bitter because my brother and I still work fulltime. We have all offered to chip in to get a home care assist for mom but sis refuses saying it costs too much. Forget assisted living, sis refuses saying mom wont get good care anywhere else. Sis makes all the calls and then complains. She is her own worst enemy. She refuses all help when nieces offer to help here and there. I believe she likes the drama. So don't judge of why siblings don't help....there are many reasons why they don't...mainly because they can't.

I think the reason why siblings don't step up is because by the time the parents need care, they've been out of the house for decades and don't want to change their lives. Two years ago my BIL and his wife took several big vacations i.e. expensive, luxurious vacations to exotic, far-flung destinations. How many visits did they make to my inlaws that year? One, and for just two days because they had to get back to their busy lives. I was livid and my husband was disappointed but now we know to expect very little from them. I was livid because my inlaws "turn cartwheels" whenever this son shows up and kiss his butt like it's made of chocolate. In the days before this son visits that's all my inlaws talk about and they perk right up...it's amazing. So whenever we get a fake offer of "how can we help" from this sib, I just roll my eyes and tell them straight: "visit the folks, that's how."

I can relate to the siblings-don't-help delimma. It sucks.

But on the other hand, when my sibling does grudgingly agree to help with something, considering the quality of the help that's provided, I'm often glad she ISN'T more involved, both for my parents sake and for my own sanity.

Example: Two years ago my sibling agrees to do my parents' Part D Medicare signup every year, after I ask her to do this one little thing to help. She does it successfully in October 2014, with the help of the pharmacy. Near the end of October 2015 I give her the list of meds in a white envelope that says 'medication lists for Medicare Part D signup'. I specify on the list all the details she needs to know. All she has to do is take the list of meds to the pharmacy and THEY will do the Medicare database update for her, do the cost comparison on the Medicare site for her, determine the optimal Part D provider for her, and even walk her thru the actual signup with the provider that's done over the phone. Does she follow through? Of course not. When I check back with her in a month, her answer is something along the lines of: Gee, i don't remember you giving me an envelope. And: Gee, I have to do that signup EVERY year? (And btw, this sibling was the salutatorian of her high school class.)

Another example: I recently got shingles and couldn't take care of my parents for a couple weeks. During that time I stayed in my own home and we had agency caregivers at their house more often than usual during the week. Did my sister step in to help? Well...she lasted one evening...then claimed my 90-year-old dad disrespected her by treating her like a child (she said he told her to quit playing with his bed's remote control). And refused to come back. When I told her I was kinda depending on her to help out, just for two weeks, she did grudgingly decide to stop by for 1 hour a day to check on my mom (up till the day she was gonna be leaving for a vacation with her husband.) But my dad--forget it. She's still mad at him for stuff that happened literally 50 years ago. Geez. Is it the prescription drugs she's on? Mom always treating her with kid gloves due to my sibling's 30+ year history of depression? Sibling's husband's attitude toward her parents, possibly due to his painful history with his own parents? Who knows.

What I do know is that if your attitude is one of resentment toward your siblings because they get to go on vacations, live in their own home, have their own lives, and seemingly couldn't care less about your parents, you're the one who will suffer...and that REALLY sucks. Realistically, if we let that happen, do we have anyone to blame but ourselves?

(In my opinion) how we feel about ourselves and our lives, from day to day, is largely up to each of us. It's a choice we make when we get up in the morning and as we go about the day. I learned that one the hard way, many (many) years ago.

Those of us who do sacrifice for our parents the way you've described have two things our siblings will never have: 1) more precious time with our parents, and 2) the knowledge that we did what we could for our parents in spite of the sacrifices. I'm guessing this may bring some small comfort when our parents do eventually pass and we are left behind and miss them like crazy.

Yeah, it's REALLY hard sometimes. When my mom is griping about the 1000th tiny little thing she now wants done differently in the kitchen, when my dad is moving SO slowly during a transfer, when the stupid condominium that they live in has another leak dripping down from the ceiling that I have to figure out how to handle.... sometimes I want to scream. And occasionally I still get bugged by my sister's lack of involvement and seeming, growing disinterest in my parents' lives.

But when I can manage to take some time for myself, whether it's a day in my own home, a class at the YMCA, an hour at Starbucks or the bookstore....I get my perspective back. It's then that it becomes clear again that I'M the lucky one. My sibling is the one who is missing out...and sometimes I do honestly feel sorry for her. But it's her choice and her loss.

Regarding the money, I personally insist that my parents DON'T gift me any more each year than they give my sibling each year, even though my sister rarely even VISITS my parents, let alone helps unless begged to do some little thing. Why? Well, because if they did that, I'm afraid that there would eventually be resentment on my sister's part and then we'd have a big-old family mess. I do not consider my sister a greedy person, but she's human and eventually the numbers would get to her. As for their will and stuff like that, I would NEVER want more $ than my sister was being given, even if my parents offered such a thing. I think that would make me feel, at some level, like they might have loved me more than my sister. And that would make me feel totally icky inside, forever.

So, in summary.... siblings who don't help suck... we who DO help are the lucky ones, though it may not always seem like it.

Just one person's opinion, for what it's worth.

Take care and be good to yourself. You sound like a nice person who could use less stress and more ME time. Wishing you success in finding it... and many blessings.