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I never thought my life would be what it is at 53. Every day is filled with conflict, criticism, disapproval, rage from my mom. She can't afford to live on her own and my mental and physical health are impacted. What do I do?
She can be someone's roommate, section 8 housing for low income seniors, move in with anther sibling. She had to live somewhere else before, how did she afford it?
Get her out of your house before you have no marriage. Your husband and family are your priority not her.
In the mean time set your boundaries, you will not allow her to bully and harass you or your husband, if she doesn't stop she will have to leave and figure it out on her own.
Your obligation is to your husband and your marriage. What your mother can/can't afford is of no importance in this situation. That's your mother's problem, as an adult, to solve.
You can help her look into getting on waiting lists for elderly housing for low income seniors. She can talk to the local Area Agency on Aging about housing subsidies for seniors.
There is a great website called Out of the FOG about dealing with folks like your mom.
Well, at 53, one thing is for certain. You are a grownup. Most grownups don't stay living with their parents or have their parents move in with them when they don't have a wonderful relationship. It's poor decision making. And if that parent doesn't love the husband, it is in fact DREADFUL decision making. I cannot fathom saying to my partner, "Darling, Mom loathes you, but she needs somewhere to live, so she's coming here". If you know someone is a narcissist it is best to have, in fact, very limited contact with that person.
Can you tell us more about your living situation and your mom? How old is Mom? What is her income? What is the cost of a room in your area, an efficiency apartment, a studio apartment? Why do you feel YOU are responsible for your mother's choices of where she lives, or have to be involved? In my own humble opinion, when mothers' finances are wanting, and they need roommates to get through, daughters are the very WORST choice in the world for a roomie relationship, especially when their husbands are disliked. That's true even WITHOUT the diagnosis of Narcissism.
As a grownup you make your own choices. Somehow that choice has been either to move in with mom or have her move in with you despite the fact she cannot get along with your husband, who has rights to your first concern and loyalty. You will have to take responsibility for that choice, and make changes if it isn't working for you. I truly wish you the very best.
Turn the tables. What if your spouse's raging, narcissistic, disapproving, critical mom lived with you? Would you stick around? Or would you leave?
Pointing out something here: There are lots of people looking for a mate. You'd be well advised to keep the one you have unless you don't love him anyway.
Get your mom out of your house. In no way should either of you have to live with your mom. She can afford to live on her own if she gets a roommate, government housing, a small room in a rooming house, or in her car. Her choice.
Get her out of your house as soon as possible, whatever it takes.
She has to know she cannot "bite the hand that feeds her." The one who pays runs the show. She doesn't get a say in YOUR home....PERIOD. Especially when it is half owned by your spouse she hates!
When was the last time you checked your blood pressure? Do you want to loose your husband? Why are you tolerating it?
Check mom into an inexpensive motel for a week along with 2 bags of groceries from Wal Mart. She can stay THERE permanently or she can come back to your home for a trial run where she acts like a civilized human being to everyone or it's off to the dive motel again. HER choice.
Ask her for rent money and to pay the bills which I assume you and the husband she "hates" are paying for and to tell her to start helping with cleaning the house as you are tired from hearing her complaining and she seems to have the energy to complain.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Get her out of your house before you have no marriage. Your husband and family are your priority not her.
In the mean time set your boundaries, you will not allow her to bully and harass you or your husband, if she doesn't stop she will have to leave and figure it out on her own.
IF NOT, divorce MOM.
Your mom shouldn't live with you. Period.
Your obligation is to your husband and your marriage. What your mother can/can't afford is of no importance in this situation. That's your mother's problem, as an adult, to solve.
You can help her look into getting on waiting lists for elderly housing for low income seniors. She can talk to the local Area Agency on Aging about housing subsidies for seniors.
There is a great website called Out of the FOG about dealing with folks like your mom.
https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd
Most grownups don't stay living with their parents or have their parents move in with them when they don't have a wonderful relationship. It's poor decision making. And if that parent doesn't love the husband, it is in fact DREADFUL decision making.
I cannot fathom saying to my partner, "Darling, Mom loathes you, but she needs somewhere to live, so she's coming here".
If you know someone is a narcissist it is best to have, in fact, very limited contact with that person.
Can you tell us more about your living situation and your mom?
How old is Mom? What is her income? What is the cost of a room in your area, an efficiency apartment, a studio apartment?
Why do you feel YOU are responsible for your mother's choices of where she lives, or have to be involved?
In my own humble opinion, when mothers' finances are wanting, and they need roommates to get through, daughters are the very WORST choice in the world for a roomie relationship, especially when their husbands are disliked.
That's true even WITHOUT the diagnosis of Narcissism.
As a grownup you make your own choices. Somehow that choice has been either to move in with mom or have her move in with you despite the fact she cannot get along with your husband, who has rights to your first concern and loyalty. You will have to take responsibility for that choice, and make changes if it isn't working for you. I truly wish you the very best.
Pointing out something here: There are lots of people looking for a mate. You'd be well advised to keep the one you have unless you don't love him anyway.
Get your mom out of your house. In no way should either of you have to live with your mom. She can afford to live on her own if she gets a roommate, government housing, a small room in a rooming house, or in her car. Her choice.
Help her by finding her another place to live.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
She has to know she cannot "bite the hand that feeds her." The one who pays runs the show. She doesn't get a say in YOUR home....PERIOD. Especially when it is half owned by your spouse she hates!
When was the last time you checked your blood pressure? Do you want to loose your husband? Why are you tolerating it?
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