After having traveled from Montana to California for a visit with my Aunt and her friends last weekend. Kind of an intervention if you will. Using a visual aide to help, her constant phone calls have decreased dramatically! Great news!
However, I got a phone call from assisted living facility this afternoon that my Aunt's face was red and hot. She had no fever, blood pressure was fine and she felt fine. Having a medical background, I told them just monitor and call me if there was any change. Shortly after the shift change, I got another call that they had sent my Aunt via ambulance to the ER. Turns out it was nothing more than Rosacea! (I'm totally pissed). This just solidifies in my mind the fact that I need to move my Aunt here to Montana. My husband seems so resistant to the idea.
This woman has been so incredibly important to me! I thought he knew this. How do I maintain my happy home and maintain caretaking duties for my Aunt? Oh , as well as my mother that is moving into a retirement village near us in 2 weeks. I guess I just need some positive feedback.
Yes, he gets upset with me when I remind him, but I don't care. Say what you want, but it will not change any thing.
He'll take a drive, go upstairs, not talk with me for hours. I don't care. This is MY MOTHER and I have a job to do for her.
1. By Court appointment
2. Being my Mom
3. I promised her when I was in the 4th grade
4. I have to answer to my grandparents and great-grandparents
5. I HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD
His jealously and hissy fits are done and over either later that day or the next. He knows the pressure(s) I'm under and for the last 2 yrs as I'm in the process of getting an ASSET DIVORCE for Mom so Stepfather's spawn can't touch Mom's sole/separate assets AND THEY OWE MOM JUST UNDER $100.000 as well as his #1 has committed Federal/State/Bank fraud.
Those are my aces in my pockets so she has a choice, pay or go to prison!
Don't mess with a former banker who can follow the money and knows how to research regarding other issues.
My attorney has told other attorneys when I've been present, I am the most prepared client she has ever had. I have about 5 4" binders and a few smaller filled with research regarding EVERY SINGLE ISSUE. I'm not afraid to tell my attorney she's wrong or #1's attorney via mine, she's wrong.
Stand up, shoulders back and tell your husband where you stand! He needs to deal with it. YOUR LOVED ONE IS NOW AT THE HEAD OF THE LINE.
I got this gene from my Mother! Go for it!
Don't allow a spouse, or anyone, to create a regret that YOU have to live with later on.
I think he's probably dreading the difficult and time/energy consuming process of moving the aunt (I would be!) and the likelihood that his wife will now spend ever-increasing amounts of time and energy on aunt as well as mom. What will she have left for their marriage and family?
I think it's a lovely thing to do, but I totally get why her husband isn't thrilled with the idea.
Again, I am having serious problems with the ALF not answering my questions. This causes me stress even though my Aunt is over a thousand miles away.
I guess I don't understand how I am supposed to be a good steward of her money and medical care if I need to reimburse myself every time I have to fly to take care of her business.
It's not like you can just dump someone in an ALF and nothing more needs to be done!
Would she be leaving friends behind? Would she lose anything else important to her?
How would your relationship with your husband change? Would he come around to your choice or would he feel as if he was overruled?
Yes, she has friends. Friends that are just as old as she is.
How long before her friends (already complaining) are unable or unwilling to help!
As her caregiver, I feel like I should see her at least once every 3 months. This expense comes out of her estate money. It adds up.
Wouldn't it be better for me to deal with her and now my mother from one location?
So, here's what I suggest. Instead of trying to explain to your husband how important your aunt with dementia is to you, explain to your husband how important HE is to you. Tell him what you will do to keep him highest among your priorities. Ask for his input with resolving the caregiving issues instead of presenting only one option (moving aunt nearby). Acknowledge the validity of his concerns about the possible effect on you, him, and the marriage of having both your mom and your aunt living so close to you.
my father is in AL 30 minutes away. They call for everything. That does not mean I go running there at 3 am. For the longest time he found an excuse to go to the ER on a weekly basis. I did not leave work or lose sleep running there. I can manage everything from the phone. When I do visit him it is on my schedule and works into my life.
No one is saying not to help your aunt. They are saying that you need to consider your husband’s concerns.
Good luck & sending you hugs.
Glad to. I think some of what I said was taken by some out of context.
My hubby was amazing while I was in California for 6 weeks. I thought I was just going for my Uncles funeral. Long story short, after getting a restraining order against my cousin on behalf of my Aunt, finding her an ALF and selling her home I was able to finally come home. Since being home I have had CONSTANT issues with the AFL not communicating with me. I have not been unreasonable. Too many issues to state! Just an example, they requested I ask her Doctor for an increase of her Seroquel. I requested from her Kaiser Dr. After 3 weeks I discovered that nothing has happened from the AFL side. They told me they need a signed order from the Dr. Dr tells me AFL needs to request it from him. I am a thousand miles away and can't do a darn thing about it! This is just one example, besides the ambulance ride to the ER for a rash on her face that I had asked them to monitor and call me if any changes. They didn't call me until after she was on her way to the hospital.
All these things cause me stress!
Not because I am a control freak, rather because I love this little woman more than words can say.
I think my husband is tired of seeing me stressed, but with my mother arriving tomorrow, I can't just turn it off! I absolutely take good care of him. He is a spoiled man! However, my new reality now involves these two women.
Wouldn't it be better to have both women in the same place so I only have to deal with one facility? Not have to travel to California for "serious " issues.
Yes, my husband comes first, I just need him to understand that short of letting my Aunt become a ward of the state, I have no choice!
My ultimate plan is to visit my mom once a week. Do her shopping and visit for a while. Holidays etc.. that's it. If my Aunt is here , that's 2 birds with one stone!
Thanks for your question!
It seems as though my mother is hardest on me. She seems to put on a facade for other people. I have learned that this is not uncommon with narcissistic.
Ironically, I think my Aunt has lost some of her inhibitions with her dementia. She may actually put my mom in her place if mom steps on her toes. Lol
That could be interesting if your aunt put your mom in her place. Hahaha
Nothing like a taste of her own medicine, right?
Your mom sounds like my husband’s grandma was. Oh my gosh, in public butter would melt in her mouth. Just as sweet as pie! People would comment how lovely she was. Oh, if they only knew. I didn’t tell.
I did not want to give her antics any credence and I felt out of respect for my husband it wasn’t my place to say anything. Behind closed doors she was a witch!
Besides, every family has their crazies!
I know my brothers understand to a point. So difficult to be the "target" of a narcissistic loved one.
Thanks!