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Hi folks, new to this forum. I'm sure I'm not the first or last to deal with aging parents who have lost their inclination to keep a tidy home. My 80 yr old parents' home however, has become dangerously dirty and I fear it is impacting their health. Pardon the graphic description here- there is dried animal feces left in corners, maggots & flies due to food left spoiling on kitchen counters, cobwebs & dust coating just about everything, bathroom full of mildew and grime...it's a sickening, unhealthy environment, but they refuse to let me clean up. In fact they get down right nasty about it. I visit very regularly & always attempt to do odd chores while I'm there so as not to upset them, but each week it gets worse. How on earth can I fix this? They are adults, they have their 'faculties', and they are fully capable of taking care of themselves- they just choose not to. The only harm they pose to themselves is the extremely unsanitary conditions they allow themselves to live in. Is there anything I can do here?
I appreciate any insights or advice that anyone can share.
Thank you.

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How do your parents have their faculties if they are fine with, "dried animal feces left in corners, maggots & flies due to food left spoiling on kitchen counters, cobwebs & dust coating just about everything, bathroom full of mildew and grime...it's a sickening, unhealthy environment, but they refuse to let me clean up." Cognitively healthy folks are not ok living like this nor do they get nasty when offered help by their children. Please consider your folks are cognitively impaired now and unable to see that their lack of a hygienic home poses a real danger to them.

Get them out of the house for a long day out or a visit to your home, and send in a cleaning crew to do a deep clean and fumigation of their home. It's better to apologize than ask permission.
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kahill1918 Sep 27, 2024
Yes, get them out of the house. If you can afford it, treat them to a short train trip or cruise. Then, bring in a cleaning crew to deep clean it. Unfortunately, when they come back home, the house may get dirty again.
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A lot of old people live in dusty houses , they can’t see it or don’t have the energy to dust and vacuum.

But if they are living with mold , animal feces , flies maggots and food all over , they either don’t have their faculties , or they can’t see it or both .

Tell them you aren’t coming over unless they let a cleaning crew in
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Isabelsdaughter Sep 27, 2024
I totally agree with this
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Your parents are not in full possession of their faculties. It is not normal to live in filth and be content. There is either mental decline or mental illness or perhaps some of both. Your choices are calling Adult Protective Services to report the situation, doing nothing until an inevitable event happens that forces change, or bringing in a cleaning crew against their wishes and cleaning anyway. Only you can decide which course you’re up for, but don’t deny their mental state in this.
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For those saying if they were in their right minds they would not live this way, that's not always the case. I grew up in squalor and so did my cousins. It was sad, but expected in our family. There are areas of the country where filthy, unsafe homes are par for the course. Yes, it certainly can be a sign of dementia, etc., but it is not absolutely always the culprit. Either way it needs to be corrected for the safety of anyone living in that home.
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AlvaDeer Sep 27, 2024
Justanon, you are very correct, but to my mind this OP is indicating this is a change for this couple. She says her parents have "lost their inclination" to keep a clean house, which indicates that they once HAD an inclination to clean but that they do not now.
That is, for them, a change.
Again, you are so correct that some people grow up in this and continue the legacy. Thanks for that input.
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If their house is as dirty as you describe, I can only say bluntly, that they don't have all their faculties. Living in squalor is a sign of dementia. They might still be able to conduct a conversation with you, and do other things that you think are reasonable, but living in filth is not normal behavior. Some kind of intervention is necessary, probably not from you as you are too close to them. A social worker perhaps? I'm not sure.
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Reply to MamaRose
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They do not have their faculties to care for themselves.
My suggestion is this take them on a day trip - Hire a cleaning crew to clean that nasty mess. If they don't see it happening they most likely will not realize it has been cleaned.
Once it is clean then you can get someone in there to clean it two or three times a week, just by picking this up picking that up. If you hire someone to come in do this: bring them in- introduce them as a friend - this is my friend Julie - accompany her a few times to get them use to the idea that this person is coming in then one day just say that Julie is staying and I'm leaving for an appointment - do that a couple of times then have Julie show up and visit with them cleaning here and there. It is a process but it seams that they are like children they will need more and more care. Take the bull by the horns and just do it rather they get mad or not. Ask yourself is it better for them to be mad at you for a bit or for them to be in an unhealthy environment?
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AlvaDeer Sep 27, 2024
Worth a try, because, hey, what can you do about a clean house!
However, I suspect there is going to be major damage here due to infestations, etc. This isn't a one-and-done I am thinking.
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They don't have their faculties or they wouldn't be living this way. They are not fully capable of taking care of themselves or they would be doing it.

You may have physical capabilities lumped in with mental capabilities. It's possible to have one kind of capability but not the other. Start learning a lot more about dementia - looks to me like you have full-blown cases of it on your hands.

Or not. You can choose to walk away and let the chips fall where they may. After someone calls Adult Protective Services, social workers there with "capability" will set forces in motions to deal with your parents' "INcapability."

You're way behind the learning curve here with a good bit of denial added on. You may need help to wrap your head around this. An alternative to walking away is to find out what senior services are available in your area and engage with them to understand what's going on here. Good luck!
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Reply to Fawnby
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Contact the county department on aging/social services and let them know of the circumstances. If you get the right person in the right county they will intervene and it won't be your parent's choice. My aunt had an obscene number of cats soiling her home. The county was called and they left her with one. Eventually she was moved to county housing where she would be safer. Just because they are competent doesn't mean they are safe, as you have found out. Better the county step in than you being the fall guy.
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Teepa Snow. Expert on dementia/Alzheimers.
She has many videos you can watch on YouTube.

You will never be able to get them to allow you to do anything. They honestly believe there is nothing wrong with them and they're thinking. In other words, you will never be able to change their minds so stop trying or if you don't stop you're just gonna make yourself go into the grave. So, call authorities. APS. Yes , they're going to get upset , but they're going to get upset anyway. You know something has to be done. You're just going to have to do it! I'm in home health care and I've been doing this for 30 years. Their brain is broken so you can not reason with these people. Again... You will never be able to convince them of the condition of their house and the need to clean it. I wish you all the best. God bless you for trying. It is hard. One of the hardest things you will ever do.
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Reply to DonnaF777
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i agree with all of what has been said. I also know it is HARD to take that next step. In the meantime, if you’re trying to figure out how to be able to clean up the house, I have found that my parents felt ashamed it was that way and didn’t want me to “have to do it”. Mind you, that is not AT ALL what they said out loud, it’s what I figured out. Now that doesn’t mean THEY were going to do it… Additionally, I found that they thought I’d lecture them on the cleanliness of the house and they’d be made to feel badly about it. So, I showed them otherwise. I’ve chosen to spend 2 weeks a month at their house (because they couldn’t “fake it” or distract me for two whole weeks). I told them I need to feel productive or it was helping to distract me from some anxiety I have (which was not false!). Then I said nothing about it. It made me feel better it was clean, I knew it was more healthy for them, they have appreciated me being there to help and we have built trust between us that when I’m doing something it’s to help and not to make them feel guilty. My dad has dementia. My mom is stressed out about that. Idk about my dad, but I think my mom is surprised she doesn’t have the same energy she did 5-10 years ago, so that’s how it’s piled up. That’s how I approached it
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