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Try looking around for a Companion Service, sometimes called Adult Baby sitters.
I had 13 hours off while I had stints put in my leg. That is the longest time off I have had in about 30 months. And she was around the whole time I laid in the hospital bed. Then when I got home I found my tailbone bleeding slightly from a worn out mattress. Great time off.
Loyaline, if you are burning out after a few months, then you need to make some immediate changes. Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds.
I wasn't hands-on, but was logistical regarding my parents who refused to move from their multi-level home being in their 90's. Someone was always falling, lots of doctor appointments, grocery shopping, regular shopping, and I was still full-time with my career. No vacations, stopped dining out, stopped going to the movies, etc. for fear of those numerous "fall calls". In those 6 years, I crashed and burned twice.
I did get a break for almost 4 months [no pun intended] when I fell and broke my arm. It was my primary arm so that made it even more complicated. Recovery was slow and painful because I was a senior myself.
Is there any way your Dad can budget to have a caregiver come in for a few hours a couple times a week? The Agency caregivers were such a relief later on down the road when my Dad said he needed help at home [Mom had passed].
That's very difficult. I also take care of my dad. Can you find a caregiver that can give you some respite, like a couple times a week. That might help. We all need time off. so healing. Talk to someone about finding a caregiver
Believe me when I tell you that many of us here have the problem of not having time off as a caregiver. My mom has lived with me since 2005. I took care of my mom long before she lived with me too. Took care of my dad too, also an older brother who is now deceased. It’s physically and emotionally exhausting.
My siblings don’t help at all. My mother is very dependent on me. Codependency isn’t healthy for anyone.
The only time I did get a break was an emergency room visit to the hospital for myself. It was an asthma attack and they kept me in hospital for three days using oxygen and breathing machine. They sent me home with a breathing machine too. That’s not a fun break!
The only thing we can we can do is hire a sitter I suppose, if there is no one to pitch in. Sitters are expensive on a regular basis. I haven’t ever done that. But I am burning out just like you are. It’s hard, very hard. Good luck to you. I hope all of us find a solution.
And you were also the caregiver to your mom, who just died.
How long have you been doing 24/7 caregiving? How did it come to happen? Do you live in your father's house? How old are you? Did you give up a job to do caregiving? Are there siblings? Are finances an issue?
Yes my mom died October 09 2017.She had ALS.I took care of her. She is the complete opposite of my dad.My mom was an 👼.The best be mom in the world I always told her God wanted me to have the Perfect mom he blessed me with you.My dad and I live together in an apartment.My brother helps me a little.But the majority of the responsibility is on me.I empty the cathedra.I give my dad showers .get him dressed.etc.
I looked at your profile and there is not much there about your Dad or what he/you have going on. There are Adult Day Care places. There are Senior Centers that have activities and some also serve a lunch. Is your Dad a Veteran? If so the VA can help quite a bit from anything to Adult Day Care or in home help for a few hours to more extensive help. There are agencies that will come in and help out, you can contract for what time you want or need. There are Volunteer groups that will come in and sit with someone. They can not do "hands on care" like changing someone, or physically feeding someone. But they can serve a meal if the person can eat on their own. I hired 2 of the best caregivers I had through the local Community College. These 2 had just completed the course for CNA and were waiting to be accepted into Nursing School. (I told them both I would work around their class schedules) I have to say they were the most amazing, caring people I had hired. Maybe because they were not "burnt out" from working in a facility. Anyway there is a lot of help you just have to ask and the most important thing..you have to be willing to let go of some control and let the people that you hire or that volunteer do their "thing" and care for your Dad the best they can. No one will do things exactly the way you do it but the important thing is that your Dad is safe and you get a break that can only happen if as Primary Caregiver you delegate some of the care-giving work to others. That, I think, is sometimes the most difficult thing, to give up some control and to accept that "we" can not do it all.
If you could provide a bit more info on your Dad and the situation my response might change. Maybe your Dad can't get to day care, maybe he can't have untrained people tending to him.
My dad is going to be 81. He has had to wear a folley cathader for the last 2 years.Due to his diabetes he is almost blind. And the mention of me going anywhere , puts him in a panic.One would think he would like me to go somewhere and enjoy myself even for a couple of hours.I tell him he is being selfish and then the argument starts.I don't want to fight with my dad. Sometimes no quite often I feel like running away.Thank you all for the replies.
I have no idea what the financial situation is, but another route is to check your LO into a respite facility such as a place that has people living there during rehab. You have to pay by the day but they will get meals, care and you can take a breather or even a trip if you like. You have to protect your health as you know but especially the mental health aspect. This is a journey that no one but a caregiver understands. Do you have siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles who could stay with him? Does your church offer volunteers for the home bound. If you can fill out your profile with more info on your situation it helps in our responses. My friend who is 80 and in my yoga class, hired a caregiver to come stay with her husband who had AD, so she could get out. Things like that...even just an hour or two can be a godsend.
It’s interesting that many responders have indicated that their only “time off” was when they, themselves, had an injury or health related problem. How sad, though, that their mental state of the 24 hour responsibility for a parent does not qualify the caretaker for a mental break. I can say that caring for an elderly parent is one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. I am in my 60s, an only child, and the constant responsibility is overwhelming and has completely changed the life I used to have. It’s easy to suggest “find a facility”, or “hire a caretaker”, but the reality is that your parent does not want anyone but YOU and has a negative view of nursing facilities. You feel as though you are letting your parent down and abandoning them by “passing them off”. And all of this causes resentment on the part of the caretaker. The problem is, once you have begun the process of becoming the caretaker, it never ends....until the parent passes. It’s a terrible way to end your relationship with a parent. It affects (and essentially stops) your socialization, vacations, the way your home is funrnished and laid out, what you eat, when you eat, what you watch on tv, the volume of the tv, where you even sit in your own home. I feel for you, and hope you find a way out of this - meanwhile, I can empathize and wish you luck.
I hired a young man who was absolutely wonderful with dad. Initially I told dad he was there to work with him since dad didn’t think he needed a “sitter”. I had him come initially once a week for six hours so I could just leave the house and not worry, knowing that someone was there with dad. Eventually he came twice a week for eight hours each time. Yes, it was a bit expensive, but it was worth every cent! Another option would be to check and see if you have a adult day service in your area, ask through social services. They will know if those programs are there and can guide you through paperwork to see if your dad is eligible for Medicaid to help pay for it. Good luck to you and get busy, you need days off for your sanity!
Dolciani- I really feel for you. There is really no easy way to break out of your situation but please consider an adult day care person coming in ( or dropping your dad off) for one day or maybe 2 a week just so you can mentally detach for a day.. even if he protests, don’t worry!-he will be fine.
I want to add a general answer. NO HUMAN is expected to perform very emotionally tangled 'help' 24/7 for months and years in ANY line of work.
Think of it. Nurses, police, surgeons, pilots anyone in a job where tight attention and full commitment with energy, AND intellect is absolutely requires is expected to work over 8 hours. ONLY a few jobs press professionals- professionals mind you! to work 12 hours straight, and those jobs are rewarded with HIGHER pay for the known difficulty. and MORE time off to recoup. SO ANY wy you can get help, OVER any objections is needed, HE will adjust-grumble, flail, temper tantrum, whatever he does to object. But people respond to love and CONSISTENCY and persistence appearance of a carer, over time. Hopefully some care worker can be that person. lastly. THIS IS WHAT MONEY IS FOR! skimping on need for your sanity, and own long term health is a mistake. Sell what can be sold if necessary. Borrow if possible for short term test of YOU getting some relief. Please please do this. I wish you the best.
Caring for an elderly/demanding/confused/sick/weak parent of close family
The loss of privacy and wondering how much longer you will have this responsibility is a big issue. Having someone else come into your home to care for him is not going to solve those two issues. For me, getting out of my own house does not relieve the loss of privacy that has occurred; a temporary (or permanent) respite home for him is out of the question because it is ingrained in his mind that if your kids don’t personally take care of you, then they don’t love you...so you are held hostage by the guilt. Money or hitting the lotto would not solve the problem. When I suggest he watch tv in his own bedroom suite, he says “I don’t like to be alone”. I, on the other hand, would LOVE to be alone! My house is large, but going to my bedroom to be alone is just not enough. I love my father, but after two years of living with us, the frustration is overwhelming. The catch 22 is that I also do not want to hurt him.....telling him he has to leave would break his heart. The reality is, like Loyaline, I am just stuck until he dies, I die, or he is so incapacitated that he realizes a facility is his only option. Also, my Dad is 96; on oxygen 24/7, and uses a walker - trying to take him to a VA daycare or any sort of outing is not feasible..nor does he want to meet new people - he only wants to be around family.....and I’m IT. Not trying to be a martyr, just stating the facts.
Dolciani, you have hit the nail on the head. Money or hitting the lotto would not solve the problem. After 20 years my mom still doesn't understand that sometimes I need space.
I understand. Sorry, research suggests our options are limited and none of them are low-cost. Add to that a family member who wants only you to help them.
I'm just getting started with caring for my mom and my husband is disabled and needs light care as well. So I am somewhat overwhelmed. I crashed after 10 nights of getting less than 2 hours of sleep per night and then going all day long. Mom yells for me every 10-15 minutes, heavy sigh. Want a shower, clean your house or do meal prep? Not happening.
It worked out this time as she had to go back into hospital for surgery and then rehab. She's coming home soon. I still feel like I could sleep for a month.
Could your mother ever qualify for Medicaid? This scenario seems as though your health and certainly well being will be more than compromised. I don't think it matters anymore what your mother really wants. This could destroy your household.
You need to look into agencies that provide home health aides, adult day care, and programs that assist the elderly who live at home. Contacting your county senior outreach person is a good start.
Even if one is able to take a couple days for vacation, the vacation is usually ruined over constant fear that something is going to happen to our parent(s).
I remember going to one of my favorite places in West Virginia, a historic old resort tucked away in the woods. The hotel room had no TV's, no radios, no clocks, and no telephones. And no cellphone service. The reason was to relax and forget about the outside world. Can't do that with elders home alone. My parents refused strangers in the house. No relatives lived in the state. And all of my parent's friends had either passed on or moved away.... [sigh].
That vacation just made my emotional being worse from the added stress upon stress.
I think it's incredibly sad that so many people are not getting any break from care giving, on a long term basis. And stating that the person they care for only wants them.
I'm trying to think of when/if this is a wish that should be honored? The mental and physical health of the caregiver is so important. I'm just at the beginning of my journey here as mom can still very safely be left alone at this point, but I see at some point, that will no longer be true and I think I am learning that I should get a helper in as soon as that decline starts so that she doesn't get too used to JUST me. The "sitter", I guess, needs to know that the LO might be resistant. But they don't need to be happy about it, just safe. I wonder if, like with the little ones dropped off at daycare, if they get used to it with time.
I'm wondering if it would work to bring someone in and have them clean, etc. so the LO can get used to them with you there, before you leave them alone together?
Don't assume that they won't like the sitter. The people I've met who do this are generally very sweet, gentle people who have the capacity to work with seniors. It's very smart to start a relationship with someone now who can be with you and your mother for the long run. Even though it's for pay we can develop relationships with our helpers. I had a sitter for a few months who was able to take my mom out on little excursions. I came up with the game plan, generally, and she took it from there. It's that old chestnut about not getting everything from one person! Good luck!
I had to have an aide come each day so I could go on vacation. Its called Respite Care. Takes about 2 months to get it set up. I used the free home health care my dad gets thru Medicare. Unfortunately the aide never showed up. I flew my sister from the west coast to Ohio and she stayed with dad. I am in Ohio if you need a "friend" to help out and are close.
It is my understanding (having been my sister's caretaker for 18 months) that Medicare does not provide "free home health care." Medicare does provide hospice care, and that includes respite care for a few days every six months, I believe. Perhaps you are talking about Medicaid? The poster's local Area Agency on Aging may have ideas for him/her as well.
When I was in nursing school, myself and several of my classmates “sat” with elderly patients. Students from a local community college, as someone said above, are a great resource. They cost less, often have flexible schedules and have been trained. Just look for recent CNA licensees or current nursing students. I noticed that elderly men often respond better to a young lady as they won’t be as rude and demanding to them. And they are used to nurses being female. Maybe you can tell him his sitter has to get some hours in doing xyz so he won’t feel like he’s being pawned off or babysat. And won’t accuse you of dumping him off on someone. Stay at the house with them the first time to make it comfortable for everyone and to observe how they get along. Make it seem like dad is helping her by allowing her to be there and complete her nursing school hours. Even once a week, once every two...anything would help give you some rest. Right now you’re getting none and that’s not good for you or dad. God bless you.
I started a year ago taking care of an elderly friend, as well as hiring and training other caregivers to cover 24/7 care. You need time off! I have been through weeks of 72-80 hours because caregivers quit or get fired. There have been weeks that I haven’t made it home at all. I am a healthy 55 year old woman. But after a rough August, where I covered my hours and those of someone who quit, I hit a wall. I was tired but thought I was fine. One Monday I felt nauseous, and I remember running to the bathroom. The next thing I remember is being in the ER! Apparently sheer exhaustion had hit, and my body just quit! The doctor sent me home for a week. My new trainer covered all of my crazy hours, and I slept and rested more than I thought possible. I have never broken down before, and lost memory of an entire day! Now I know the feeling. I get very very sleepy, and can’t eat much. That it my trigger to get all hands on deck and to go home. Run an ad in the paper, talk with your neighbors and friends. ANYTHING! I worried constantly about the quality of her care when I am gone, and usually field phone calls all weekend when I am home. Don’t worry, sometimes my lady is far far less demanding when I am gone. This job can take everything you have mentally and physically. You must find some respite care before you end up in the hospital.
Contact your local office for the aging, additionally, Jewish Family Services ( you don't have to be Jewish)may offer respite care in your area. Good luck.
Although you have not shared what his medical issues are, if he needs 24/7 care then he needs to be in a nursing home even if he has to apply for Medicaid to pay for it. If it is possible, how about take him to visit some nursing homes. They are not what they once were. You could just put your foot down and say look it's your choice either stay here, hire someone or go to a nursing home for I am burned out and you need more care than one human being can give. Be the adult daughter that he needs!
This post makes so much sense. As difficult as it may be, now and in the future, you (and dad) must face this, the sooner the better for your health as well as his. Perhaps you should get the information for Medicaid eligibility now, as I know it takes a while to be approved. Everything should be on-line for you to read, and you can get the paperwork from your county. If he doesn't qualify for Medicaid right now, a nursing home will work with you as to what you need to pay out of dad's funds before they take over. If he's got way too much money for Medicaid ever, then lucky dad. There are some great assisted living places around here (city of 80-90,000) with all levels of care provided as needed. Good luck to you, and please think of yourself. A burn-out is very possible for you. I speak as a former 24/7 caregiver.
Do you have family? Brothers? Sisters? Where I am, her sister will help out once a year. Otherwise I'm here 7 days and living in when the spouse goes on vacation. Have you spoken to your dad's doctor? Sometimes they may have an answer. Is there enough funds to have one day of an agency? What about adult daycare in your area? I hope these help. I just remembered about the Veterans. They have a program. You'd have to make an appointment. They do have transportation available and you could go with him at no cost as his caregiver/family.
Mother just turned 94 yesterday. I have been her caregiver for the past 12 years. She lives with my husband and I. Yes, I had caregiver burnout. After realizing it, I slowly began to make changes to keep my sanity. Look for ways to lighten your load. You need to do that before you reach meltdown because you won't function well otherwise. Enlist friends, relatives, neighbors etc. to sit with your dad even if it's for an hour or two. Next check out adult day care centers. In my area, I couldn't believe how reasonably priced it was. I physically went there and viewed the facility and spoke to the director. I felt confident enough that mom would be fine there even if she said she didn't want to go. I will take mom there for 2 to 3 half days aweek. When I purposed it to her, her response was what I expected. "I don't want to go there. I want to be with you." I reassured her it's only for a few hours so she can get out and socialize instead of sitting in her chair day in and day out saying she's bored. In reality it's not about her being bored, it's about my sanity. I'm sending her there more for myself and peace of mind than for her complaining she's bored. I was to the point where I disliked my life and mom. It was all to over whelming. Start by making small changes. This will lead to bigger changes until you get to the point where you will be comfortable with yourself and dad's care. He may not like it, but just like a child you need to reassure him it will be ok. More important is that you will be ok.
It’s so hard when you are it. Reading these posts breaks my heart and I empathize with the guilt you feel. It’s so hard with our parents yet we do it with our children -leaving with sitters or sending to daycare, school, or overnights, knowing it is good for them and good for us.
i was told by a doctor - put your own oxygen mask on first before you can assist others and it is so true. We just don’t do it enough if ever and deplete ourselves and our families at the expense of the elder and those years are hard to get back.
i don’t know what the answer is; but I do know guilt and exhaustion and resentment and hating ourselves for feeling this way isn’t the answer nor how our loved ones benefit.
my mom is in memory care, not her wish, not her plan, not my parents planned future in old age — but the reality of what had to happen. I went thru the fear, the guilt, the worry, the beating myself up, and you know what.? Mom is fine, thriving, better than before, and safe. You know what? I’m a better daughter- a real daughter, because we have real quality time together as I’m not the worn out caregiver. mom still wants to go home but I visit as I can and I think she enjoys her space and independence and the activities and outings that residential care provides.
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I had 13 hours off while I had stints put in my leg. That is the longest time off I have had in about 30 months. And she was around the whole time I laid in the hospital bed. Then when I got home I found my tailbone bleeding slightly from a worn out mattress. Great time off.
I wasn't hands-on, but was logistical regarding my parents who refused to move from their multi-level home being in their 90's. Someone was always falling, lots of doctor appointments, grocery shopping, regular shopping, and I was still full-time with my career. No vacations, stopped dining out, stopped going to the movies, etc. for fear of those numerous "fall calls". In those 6 years, I crashed and burned twice.
I did get a break for almost 4 months [no pun intended] when I fell and broke my arm. It was my primary arm so that made it even more complicated. Recovery was slow and painful because I was a senior myself.
Is there any way your Dad can budget to have a caregiver come in for a few hours a couple times a week? The Agency caregivers were such a relief later on down the road when my Dad said he needed help at home [Mom had passed].
My siblings don’t help at all. My mother is very dependent on me. Codependency isn’t healthy for anyone.
The only time I did get a break was an emergency room visit to the hospital for myself. It was an asthma attack and they kept me in hospital for three days using oxygen and breathing machine. They sent me home with a breathing machine too. That’s not a fun break!
The only thing we can we can do is hire a sitter I suppose, if there is no one to pitch in. Sitters are expensive on a regular basis. I haven’t ever done that. But I am burning out just like you are. It’s hard, very hard. Good luck to you. I hope all of us find a solution.
How long have you been doing 24/7 caregiving? How did it come to happen? Do you live in your father's house? How old are you? Did you give up a job to do caregiving? Are there siblings? Are finances an issue?
There are Adult Day Care places.
There are Senior Centers that have activities and some also serve a lunch.
Is your Dad a Veteran? If so the VA can help quite a bit from anything to Adult Day Care or in home help for a few hours to more extensive help.
There are agencies that will come in and help out, you can contract for what time you want or need.
There are Volunteer groups that will come in and sit with someone. They can not do "hands on care" like changing someone, or physically feeding someone. But they can serve a meal if the person can eat on their own.
I hired 2 of the best caregivers I had through the local Community College. These 2 had just completed the course for CNA and were waiting to be accepted into Nursing School. (I told them both I would work around their class schedules) I have to say they were the most amazing, caring people I had hired. Maybe because they were not "burnt out" from working in a facility.
Anyway there is a lot of help you just have to ask and the most important thing..you have to be willing to let go of some control and let the people that you hire or that volunteer do their "thing" and care for your Dad the best they can. No one will do things exactly the way you do it but the important thing is that your Dad is safe and you get a break that can only happen if as Primary Caregiver you delegate some of the care-giving work to others. That, I think, is sometimes the most difficult thing, to give up some control and to accept that "we" can not do it all.
If you could provide a bit more info on your Dad and the situation my response might change. Maybe your Dad can't get to day care, maybe he can't have untrained people tending to him.
If you can fill out your profile with more info on your situation it helps in our responses.
My friend who is 80 and in my yoga class, hired a caregiver to come stay with her husband who had AD, so she could get out. Things like that...even just an hour or two can be a godsend.
Another option would be to check and see if you have a adult day service in your area, ask through social services. They will know if those programs are there and can guide you through paperwork to see if your dad is eligible for Medicaid to help pay for it.
Good luck to you and get busy, you need days off for your sanity!
Are any volunteers available through a social service or your church or synagogue ?
(United Jewish Federation has helped me immensely.)
Can you pay for a qualified sitter on a regular basis, such as weekly?
Respite programs for sure.
A family member or friend who can give you a morning or afternoon off?
Have lunch or dinner delivered every once in a while? Ask someone to help you make a meal?
Think of it. Nurses, police, surgeons, pilots anyone in a job where tight attention and full commitment with energy, AND intellect is absolutely requires is expected to work over 8 hours. ONLY a few jobs press professionals- professionals mind you! to work 12 hours straight, and those jobs are rewarded with HIGHER pay for the known difficulty. and MORE time off to recoup. SO ANY wy you can get help, OVER any objections is needed, HE will adjust-grumble, flail, temper tantrum, whatever he does to object. But people respond to love and CONSISTENCY and persistence appearance of a carer, over time. Hopefully some care worker can be that person. lastly. THIS IS WHAT MONEY IS FOR! skimping on need for your sanity, and own long term health is a mistake. Sell what can be sold if necessary. Borrow if possible for short term test of YOU getting some relief. Please please do this. I wish you the best.
Caring for an elderly/demanding/confused/sick/weak parent of close family
I'm just getting started with caring for my mom and my husband is disabled and needs light care as well. So I am somewhat overwhelmed. I crashed after 10 nights of getting less than 2 hours of sleep per night and then going all day long. Mom yells for me every 10-15 minutes, heavy sigh. Want a shower, clean your house or do meal prep? Not happening.
It worked out this time as she had to go back into hospital for surgery and then rehab. She's coming home soon. I still feel like I could sleep for a month.
Best of luck. Hope you find some help.
I remember going to one of my favorite places in West Virginia, a historic old resort tucked away in the woods. The hotel room had no TV's, no radios, no clocks, and no telephones. And no cellphone service. The reason was to relax and forget about the outside world. Can't do that with elders home alone. My parents refused strangers in the house. No relatives lived in the state. And all of my parent's friends had either passed on or moved away.... [sigh].
That vacation just made my emotional being worse from the added stress upon stress.
I'm trying to think of when/if this is a wish that should be honored? The mental and physical health of the caregiver is so important. I'm just at the beginning of my journey here as mom can still very safely be left alone at this point, but I see at some point, that will no longer be true and I think I am learning that I should get a helper in as soon as that decline starts so that she doesn't get too used to JUST me. The "sitter", I guess, needs to know that the LO might be resistant. But they don't need to be happy about it, just safe. I wonder if, like with the little ones dropped off at daycare, if they get used to it with time.
I'm wondering if it would work to bring someone in and have them clean, etc. so the LO can get used to them with you there, before you leave them alone together?
So many challenges.....
Even though it's for pay we can develop relationships with our helpers. I had a sitter for a few months who was able to take my mom out on little excursions. I came up with the game plan, generally, and she took it from there.
It's that old chestnut about not getting everything from one person! Good luck!
Good luck.
i was told by a doctor - put your own oxygen mask on first before you can assist others and it is so true. We just don’t do it enough if ever and deplete ourselves and our families at the expense of the elder and those years are hard to get back.
i don’t know what the answer is; but I do know guilt and exhaustion and resentment and hating ourselves for feeling this way isn’t the answer nor how our loved ones benefit.
my mom is in memory care, not her wish, not her plan, not my parents planned future in old age — but the reality of what had to happen. I went thru the fear, the guilt, the worry, the beating myself up, and you know what.? Mom is fine, thriving, better than before, and safe. You know what? I’m a better daughter- a real daughter, because we have real quality time together as I’m not the worn out caregiver. mom still wants to go home but I visit as I can and I think she enjoys her space and independence and the activities and outings that residential care provides.