I'm a regular to the forum so I apologize for asking the same questions sometimes. I'm needing to hear from those ( or anyone who does not mind giving advice) whose parents refuse help.
Just a little recap of my situation- My father was and still is emotionally abusive to me. He is in skilled nursing care and physical therapy at a NH. He is supposed to be there 60 days but recently the social worker said 30 days. He has also said he wants to go home but his doctor recommended long term care. He is unable to stay by himself and refuses to hire extra help. He can not afford to stay the NH because he would probably not qualify for Medicare. Therefore the NH would more than likely take his home to pay for care. He expects me to be the 24/7 person and I have told him no. I know many people walk away but I admit this would be hard for me to do although he is very difficult to deal with. For those of you have had or have a similar situation, how did you handle it? I'm full of anxiety thinking about this situation.
I cannot recall now whether or not you are his POA. He is abusive, so I am hoping you are NOT and never agree to be.
Tell the Nursing Home that Dad cannot return home and his doctors all believe that would be an unsafe discharge, that he is abusive to you and you cannot be involved in his care, and that their social workers need NOW to begin work on his safe discharge and a possible transfer to the guardianship of the state.
A state court appointed fiduciary will manage his finances and whether or not he needs/gets financial help. His home will or will not be sold. That will be out of your hands when he has guardianship of the state.
You say that it isn't possible to walk away.
That, of course, is NOT true.
Imagine if your father had no progeny? He would be a-l-o-n-e, and I right? And he can be alone having a daughter also.
When your father is in care it is in your hands how often you visit, but were I you, any visits would not include abuse, as any abusive actions or language would mark the end of said visit.
You are right that you are a regular, and that you ask us the same questions. That's FINE. You are most welcome here. But from me you will always get the same answers.
The choices for your life is in your own hands and you are responsible to make them and no one can make them FOR you, no matter how attached we may be TO you.
You have come quite a way since being on the forum. I think you are on the cusp now of acting for yourself in your best interests. I couldn't care less about dad's future. It will likely be reaping the havest he has sown in his life. I DO care about YOUR future. Please take care.
There is a website called OutoftheFOG.com. Really good advice for abused "kids" like you.
Just because your dad's relatives and your dad himself think that you should take responsibility for dad's care doesn't make it so.
YOU need to learn to laugh gently and say "I can't possibly do that". And mean it.
No explanation, no excuse. Just "No".
"I am not my father's POA. He does not trust anything I tell him and believes I know nothing about what he needs or how Medicare and Medicaid work.
He also believes he can force me to be his in-home caregiver. I will not be providing care. You nice folks will need to explain his options and figure out how to get him or Medicaid to pay for it."
Tell them this as many times as you need to. You can't access his accounts so you have no idea how much money he has in his name. A financial conservator will need to be appointed to manage his affairs.
It's a real pity that he will need to trust strangers because he won't trust his daughter.
Right now, Medicare is paying for rehab, right?
It's Medicaid that will pay for LTC if he qualifies Medically and Financially.
His home is an exempt asset. A Medicaid lien will be placed on it that will need to be satisfied when he dies.
FB, you don't have POA, so there is nothing you can do about any of this
Just visit. Leave when he gets abusive. If the NH sends him home in a cab, call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult. Call 911 when he falls.
I highly doubt they will release him without a plan. Just remember that YOU are not the plan
My mom fell in a nice AL/MC facility with TWO aides in the room
When we were planning her discharge from the hospital after her hip fracture repair, I told the discharge planner how awful I felt about what had happened.
"Honey", she told me, "my mom fell with THREE RNs in the room. And one of them was me."
I stopped feeling guilty and came to the realization that old people fall. No matter what.
Stop visiting him at the NH too. Tell him to call you when he's in the mood to act civilized and you'll see if you can squeeze him in. Enough is enough!
Each situation is different. Find yourself a good eldercare lawyer to advise you. Don’t assume you already know he won’t qualify.
It is worth the money to do this.
To qualify financially, he will need to spend down his money. Medicaid (and facilities) do not "take" people's home. Medicaid will put a lien on the house that will need to be satisfied when it is sold, or, he sells the home and uses that money to pay for his care. This is the most logical solution, if no other family member is living in the home with him.
If you aren't his PoA, you can still fill out the Medicaid application for him, but you won't be able to sell his home.
Medicare is different than Medicaid and you should do some research online to understand what the difference is if you want to be helpful to this man. Having the right knowlege will help lessen your anxiety. Operating blindly would cause anyone's anxiety to increase. You can talk to an online therapist (Betterhelp.com) to help you work through this situation and find boundaries that keep you healthy.
If a doctor has said he needs LTC then he should not be discharged. Now is the time to get him placed. You tell the SW he is an "unsafe" discharge". Because of his abuse in the past and now of you, you will not be his caregiver. Because u have no POA, you have no idea what his finances are. You suggest that the State take over his care.
Because Dads SS and any pension he receives goes to his care his house will probably need to be sold. I doubt you want to be responsible for taxes, upkeep and bills. Medicaid will never take the house but they have a say in what happens to it. Upon Dads death, a lien will be placed on it by Medicaid. If there is no spouse or former Caregiver who lives there, the house will need to be sold to satisfy the lean anyway.
Do not take what a SW at a facility says concerning Medicaid. I doubt if they are well versed in it. You can always talk to a Medicaid caseworker. If ur don't find answers there, then consult with an Elder Lawyer.
If these people say 'hello' to you assume they're lying because they are.
I am glad that you recognize that your father is difficult to deal with, instead of making excuses for him.
Sometimes a person has to become sick and tired of being sick and tired before they are emotionally able to make positive changes in their life.
What do you think will happen if you decide to walk away? What are your biggest fears and concerns?
Wishing you peace as you continue to care for your dad.