Hi, I am 37 and I'm a single child living just with my mom who I recently started caregiving for. My dad is no longer with us. So its just me. The rest of the extended family will have nothing to do with mom because of how she is. She has been emotionally/mentally abusive since I was a child. The start of the year she has been getting worse and gaslighting me, verbally abusing me, ignoring how I feel about anything and basically pushing me around. I've been working with a therapist to set down boundaries but it feels like nothing I'm doing to help the situation is working. Is there anything or anyone who can give support/help with this situation?
When your mom starts spewing her verbal vomit you need to either change the subject or walk away. Do not engage.
I limit the amount of face to face time with mine to half an hour a day when Im living there. No more than that. I take care of managing what needs to be done. The sides take care of her.
I have found this on visit that her disposition has changed, she’s not as feisty as she had been. This visit has been easier than the earlier ones.
I did not walk away though.If people knew how it was growing up with her, I don’t think anyone would have blamed me if I did. I decided that I do what I do for her because I need to feel I did the best I could for her and for my father. I guess that’s how I’m wired. I need to like myself.
unfortunately your mom is a lot younger than mine. The end is in sight for me, not so much for you. Get that therapy and start putting plans in place how her care will be managed over the long term. You have a long haul ahead of you.
Do not flush your life down the toilet, you are young and must not squander your youth
Good luck.
When she starts, tell her you are putting yourself on a timeout. I will be back in 10 minutes mom.. Need to walk off some negativity.
Have her checked for UTI.. Have her doctor go over her med.
These issues may be more prevalent as what people call sundowning.
If she can walk, get a gait belt, and take her for walks... small ones.. 5 minutes or so... and work up from there.
I am a firm believer that no one that has been abused should be a caregiver for/to the abuser or to the enabler of any abuse.
One of the "lessons" that is often said is that the caregiver needs to take care of themselves.
You can not take care of yourself if you are in an abusive relationship.
I also say that when it becomes UNSAFE to care for a person you should no longer be the caregiver. Safety is not just physical safety but mental and emotional safety.
You say mom is 69 in your profile.
You do not give indication as to what help she needs.
If mom is cognizant she can manage to arrange her own care.
YOU are not responsible to care for her.
I hate to say it but I think, for your own mental health you need to back off, look for a place to live. If that means moving in with a friend for a while then do so.
Look for a job, I am sure you had one before you moved in with mom. (giving up a job to caregive for a relative without pay is a HUGE mistake. This will effect your future when you go to retire. (Just think if this continues you may well be mom's caregiver for the next 20 to 30 years. What will you do then?) If you are getting paid make sure it is a legal contract and you are getting paid what you should be.
Your mom is an abuser. She knows what strings to pull. She has been doing so for 37 years.
The boundary that you should set is.."Mom, I can no longer help you. You are going to have to find someone else to help. I am moving out June 30."
One other comment. In your profile you say ... "I'm pretty sure she has something going on mentally/emotionally, I just want to get support for her and for me."
Your mom has had at least your 37 years to get professional help/support.
She is not going to change unless she wants to. And after 69 years I doubt she will do anything to effect change.
The ONLY thing YOU can change is YOU and how you deal with her and your reactions to her.
I told my Mom last couple yrs of her life no way I could ever live with her or vice versa (she kept bringing it up). I went thru enough hell with her.. I told her when she needed it we would bring in Caregivers. That thought terrified her. I told her 3rd parties would have to round out her care. She would tell me back in her day they took in her Grandmother. I told her I had been thru enough hell and that would make me miserable. Told her I had my kids, my career, my personal life..that I would do what I could with weekly visits (which were HELL) and daily calls (which were HELL). I was so proud of myself for sticking up for myself!!! You need to do similar! *You are going to have to bring in others to engage with her...
What does she do all day? She is in her 60's? She is incapable of going for walks? Chatting with neighbors. Are you married with kids? Dating? Working?
How did your Mom come to live with you?
Any other siblings? I was the only one who would come to my Mom. No one could tolerate her...
But...I did incorporate as many boundaries as possible..
If only my Mom had been willing, I could moved her into some type of AL ...though her Doc told me they would kick her out in 2 mins...
Hang in there... YOU need to take walks...have social life...
She is not entitled to run you into the ground.......
As caregivers we must try to understand that what is being said is not coming from the person we knew and is not directed toward us. MUCH easier said than done. You may want to seek psychological help to delve further into this issue, I have. Bottom line is are we, as caregivers, strong enough to understand what is going on and not react in a negative manner? Excuse the platitude but coming from someone who is still learning only time will tell.
Really, one of the only things that helped me was this forum - to understand and learn from others' who have experienced the misfortune of having a twisted, narcissistic, manipulating, gaslighing parent as well...not feeling as if I'm alone in this.
The one thing I know for sure is that you can never change a person like that - they don't have feelings - making you miserable doesn't affect them - they deny the behavior - they lie - they're perfectly charming to others in the outside world. My mother feels "entitled" to do or say whatever she wants to me - no matter how hurtful it is - because she gave birth to me. I realize, after much heartache, that it is what it is - and the most I can do is just take care of myself, and detach from the situation as best I can, emotionally and physically.
I hope you find your way out of your situation. If you're having mental/emotional abuse from your mother currently, it's best to separate and find alternative resources for her. With someone like her, she's already shown you who she is.
I am glad that your therapist is working with you on setting boundaries. Boundaries are important.
I hope that you are being completely honest with yourself and your therapist. Otherwise, you are wasting your time and theirs.
Therapists have heard it all before. I doubt if they are surprised by anything.
I know that I didn’t recognize certain things until I started in therapy. I would explain others actions to my therapist and I was told not to excuse certain behaviors. We can live with something for so long that it becomes normalized to us.
You are one step ahead of the game by recognizing that this behavior is abuse. In cases of abuse I feel that the most important boundary of all is going no contact.
Wishing you peace as you work through this difficult situation and move towards a better life for yourself.
Use your future time in therapy wisely by focusing on your own needs instead of trying to establish a relationship with your mom. It takes time to heal but it is possible.
Does she have dementia?
Someone mentioned she is not yet 70? She has at least several decades to go, and if you think 70 is bleak, remember that it can only get worse. If mom was an abuser all her life she won't be changing now.
Question for you. Why would you move an abuser into your own home to disrupt its sanctity/safety?
I cannot know what your expectations were on moving an abuser into your home, but boundaries against someone living with you, who has no part in any bargain to correct their behavior, won't help anything.
I am glad that you are seeing a therapist and I hope it is a good one. By good, I mean someone who will shake you up and out of bad habits. By bad I mean you have yet another listening post, one without any real ideas for your future. And takes money to just sit there listening.
When you live with an abuser the only way to survive is to go Gray Rock. A better way is to tell the abuser they cannot remain in your home. Then see a landlord tenant attorney to begin eviction.
Complicating factors, such as your home now being HER home whether she contributes at all, will
complicate any course of action. It is very easy to move someone in, but almost impossible to move them out.
Please tell me you are not POA, and if you are smart you won't ever assume POA over an abuser.
How long have you been living in the same house with her?
Walk out the door. Close it softly as you leave.
If she is a vulnerable adult, call Adult Protective Services and report her as such.
Figure out how to untether yourself from this living situation right away, and take your life back. You deserve that. Your mother is 69 years old.......and can live another THREE DECADES. Until you yourself are 67! Ask yourself where YOU want to be by the time you're 40? "Support" is not enough in an abuse situation. Only removing yourself from the source is going to help. #Truth
It is essentially like being in a war end having just a few moments periodically of a short ceasefire...where you know it's not over, you know you have to go back and keep fighting and you don't know when it will ever end!
I don’t know why you chose to be in this situation, but you can choose to get out of it. That’s what you need to do. Don’t let her intimidate you, and move on to a better life.