So to provide a little bit of background here, I have one sister and she is 15 years older than me. She lives two states away from my mother and I. At one time, her and my mother had a very good relationship and were very close. But for the past ten years or so, that relationship has deteriorated. However, it has gotten especially worse this past year. Her and my mom have talked on the phone maybe 3 times since Christmas and just the other day, my sister sent my mom a very nasty text. We don't really know why my sister is acting like this towards my mom, other than that she just likes to blame all her problems (and she has a lot of them) on mom. My mom was not and is not perfect, but she does not deserve this.
This estrangement has really really taken a toll on my mother. She has become very needy of me. I just got promoted back in January and I now have to drive 28 miles to and from work everyday. I am really getting sick of the drive and I really want to move closer to my job and I have been looking at apartments in the area where I work. I found a couple of them in my price range that are about 20-25 minutes from my mom's house. (Right now I live 10 minutes away from her, always have). Anyways, she desperately does not want me to move that far away from her and has even offered to take me to and from work two days a week AND give me gas money if I stay where I'm at. I haven't been able to make a decision yet on if I do move, but if I do, then I will feel incredibly guilty about it, and if I don't, then the biggest reason why will be for her. What do you guys think?
You are grieving that you cannot do it all. You are exhausted from job, Mom and long drives.
Your Sister really doesn't figure in this to tell you the truth. She is out of the picture.
I don't think she is the reason for your Mom's becoming more dependent. Your Mom is quite simply getting more and more aged and dependent. It is a natural progression. And you may be enabling her neediness by acquiescing to her wishes. You have your own life. If your being 25 minutes away isn't good enough Mom should consider a move to LTC where she will be around others, and not so frightened to be alone. This will eventually come to us all.
You do not mention that Mom has any limitations physically or mentally at this time, so I am assuming, unless you inform us differently that she doesn't. Don't encourage or enable her dependence or her needing you before she has real needs.
I sure wish you the best. Let your Sis go on her merry way. We can't change others.
your bio states your mom lives in IL with some cognitive decline. This may be affecting her neediness. I would go ahead and move. Traffic commutes can be terribly wearing, use more fuel, more chance of an accident etc. since you work you obviously can’t see her that often. Set a schedule of visits if you must. Meet her for dinner at her IL once a week or take her out for a meal. But don’t work your entire existence around your mom's need to control. She will get over it and adapt. What other choice does she have?
1 - Your work situation. You will need a retirement to meet your own needs when you are older. So, you need to what works to help you meet that goal. This appears to include a move closer to work. Do it.
2 - Your mom's needs. Yes, family squabbles do happen. People get their feelings hurt. Some people - most likely your sister - have mental health issues that go unresolved. Your mom seems to need you a lot emotionally. Are you with her every day, several times a day....? When you are with her, what do you do to help her: hygiene, toileting, assist with walking or moving...? If so, then it is probably time to get more people involved: family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help. You could always move your mother closer to you when you find an apartment.
3 - Your sister. The only way you can keep your sister from being "nasty" is to cut off communication. If you and your mom can handle her disagreeableness by staying objective, then you may be able to keep some lines of communication open. Don't expect your sister to change. I suggest reading any of the books about "boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud to help with devising your plan for dealing with your sister's behavior.
You are not responsible for your sister’s actions. I am so sorry that your mom is being blamed for your sister’s troubles.
I have a sister just like yours. She did not talk to my parents for about 4 years. Mom wept many times. Mom told everyone about this painful relationship. She was denied precious time with grandchildren. It was worse than a death because it was intentional. My sister wrote my parents unbelievably cruel and hateful letters during that time.
My mistake was trying to help them reconcile. (I was close to my sister - my mom used to warn me that being close to her would hurt me in the long run). There are places in the world where peace can just never be truly accomplished and it would have been better to accept that this was one of them.
My attempts at bringing them together just brought mom more distress and pain. It eventually brought me pain too, as mom correctly predicted.
Mom chose to write my sister out of her will. As Mom’s executor, I was vigorously sued. (I believe my mom did the right thing and I fully support that she made this choice).
My sister came forward, claiming to have been blindsided because she had a perfectly fine relationship with Mom.
Thank goodness mom told so many people and kept those spiteful letters. Any lawsuit, no matter how clear the facts, is expensive and emotionally rough.
Be there for your mom. Write your sister off. My prediction is that some day, when your mom is gone, this anger and hate will be focused on you like it was on me. Get yourself outside her range.
I used to be aggravated listening to Mom grieve over her relationship with my sister. My children are aggravated because they have heard me do the same. Now I know that mom was 100% right.