I started helping my mom around 25 years ago with lawn care, grocery shopping, fixing things that was needed for the house, going to Dr. appt with her, and what ever else. At that time I didn't mind, but here I am 25 years later and in the past 10 years the list has become much larger and more demanding. In the past 5 years I have spent weeks at a time 24/7 in hospitals with her after open heart surgery, broken hip, broken back, etc...She is afraid to be alone in a hospital. My mom has heart issues, lupus, severe osteoporosis, anxiety, depression to name a few. She has always been the strongest woman I know! Not anymore and its heart wrenching to see. She lives in her home with my mentally challenged sister. ( who is able to help with daily activities like make coffee, or get something mom needs) it allows me to not have to live there. However she is limited on what she can do, so I do the rest. I have two brothers who dont help much. “They can't handle it” 🙄. Since her heart bypass she has developed anxiety!! Dr. prescribed medicine for it which she at times has taken too much, when mixed with her pain medicine (I hide her anxiety meds and her pain meds now. After her back was broken it caused her to hunch over severely which has caused her ribs to push on her esophagus, and that makes swallowing difficult. She weighs 90 lbs from 160 three years ago. She also has Reynard syndrome in her hands and feet, also has bad circulation in her legs which is causing wounds on her feet, toes and legs. We were doing wound care twice a week, and they were improving, so we stopped. Then the covid-19 came and I wasnt spending as much time there because she is high risk and I am an essential worker. So the feet have broken down again and she banged her leg and caused a wound that wont heal. The answer the Dr gives it to quit smoking! Ok shes 75 years old with numerous health issues. Is it going to make a difference at this point? I ask that, because when she does try and quit, I am called all hours of the day and night because she is having a full on panic attack! I get called at work, I get called 2-3:00 in the morning. She wont quit!! and because of that I feel the Dr, doesn't care to help with other issues. The other day she threatened to kill herself, if she cant get help!! ( how am I supposed to help) I am not a Dr, and I am not giving her anymore medicine than is prescribed. I told the Dr that today and his response was, “well she would rather smoke than live, she is fighting to not have to quit smoking.” She also suffers from restless legs. She goes days without sleep. So she says. But times I go to the house and shes asleep. I could go on and on, but thats the brunt of it. I know my mom is suffering in more ways than one, and I do whatever I can, but I am truly at my wits end!!! She doesnt do her exercises, she wont take a shower!! She cleans up but thats it. I cant force her in a shower, I cant force her to eat, exercise, do small little tasks. She mainly sits around the house, either smoking, on her computer trying to find the “cure” for her and thinking about death all the time. I have tried giving her small things to do, she does it one day but wont the next. It’s stupid, boring or she just doesn't want to do it! Everything I do seems like its not enough!! Cook her food, “doesn't taste good. On that note and since I have really gone to town complaining any advice would be appreciated on how to handle these situations! Thank you to however takes the time to read my long post. Its 4:00 am and I cant sleep trying to figure out what today will bring, so I am just venting on here. Maybe that will help me sleep!
You must not be available to her 24/7. If she needs that kind of help she needs to be in a facility.
If she's still smoking and doesn't care about her health, you shouldn't either.
You filed your question under "burnout - family caregiver - stress" and the only solution is for you to stop, objectively look at the situation your mother has created and figure out what you are and are no longer willing to do for your mother. Unless and until you are willing to step back from the caregiving role your mother groomed you to accept, nothing will change. You are an adult and adults establish healthy boundaries including with their parents.
I do not know what state you are in, but in Minnesota we have some great supports for family members. Contact your county public health agency. They can help you find resources for your mother and assess the dependency of your sister. Next contact a lawyer to make sure that you or one of your brothers is your mother's POA for both financial and healthcare concerns. Her primary care doctor (make sure she has one) can assess her to determine if she is completent to make those decisions for herself.
She is entitled to some support at home from Medicare. You do not need to be the one to provide nursing care in her home. She should have a nursing case manager through a Medicare certified home healthcare agency.
I have been in a similar situation, and my mom is at the end of her life. On the advice of her brother, she contacted a lawyer and set up a living trust. This appointed me POA for healthcare and financial matters. It sounds like your sister will need care, and that can be set up too if your mother has been her legal guardian.
Going into counseling for you can help you to set up your own goals to get your life back. I can tell you that from experience, you cannot be an effective caregiver for your mother, supervise your sister, be on the front-line in your job, and keep your sanity. If your brothers are unwilling, and sister is unable, you need to call in help.
Your mother's caregiver may SEEM to not care. As a professional nurse, I can tell you that as a healthcare professional you cannot make people make changes to improve or maintain their health. It is not insensitive to advise individuals and then back off. We all make our own choices, and the professional is consulted to educate us on our options. You mom is making her own choices.
Your mother has learned how to manipulate you to get what she wants, and you have complied. I can relate. She learned this behavior from someone or in response to her own situation. I understand. I grew up with the queen of guilt, and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I started to understand her behavior, and to modify my response.
This is something that the manipulator counts on. They do not have insight into how their own behavior impacts others, but they are masters of getting you to behave in a way that benefits them for good or not. This is why I say that you are co-dependent.
You CAN hang up that phone. You CAN stop responding to her constant calling. She IS manipulating you.
If she falls, call 911. Do not run to save her. It is not your job. Have the fire department or police department install a lock box on one of the doors so they can get in when needed. Tell them about the situation. Be clear with her that if she falls and goes to the hospital, she will be there on her own during this pandemic. It may be the best thing for all of you.
While she still has some freedom (to smoke, for example!), you appear to have little to none. Why is that okay with you?
Your mother has allowed your brothers to get away with not helping. Why doesn't she insist on their help? She is okay with the stress you are under. Why is your wellbeing unimportant to her?
What about outside caregivers?
First, you should have continued the woundcare until the sores were healed. That may be why the wound doctor has no compassion. You discontinued care. Smoking, you should just let it go. Mom is addicted. And trying to quit may just add to the anxiety and depression she already suffers from. And NH? You may not be able to keep her out unless you are willing to jeopardize your job and future earnings.
At this point, you just have to let Mom do what she wants. That would take some stress off of you. Except that she is killing herself slowly. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but with her health problems she may not have lived to a ripe old age anyway. Your sister is who I would worry about. What will happen when Mom dies? I know, one thing at a time.
Before this, all caregiving fell onto my shoulders "because I was unmarried without children" my brothers always claimed they didnt have time for mom because they were married with chikdren....ironically, my lack of a personal life is how I got selected for isolation work in the first place (rolls eyes).
Whilst the work is hard and life threatening...it also gave me a chance to step back from main caregiver role....it forced my brothers to contribute more.
You are an essential worker. You should use this opportunity to force your sibblings to step up. Tell them that you are an essential worker, and you can't afford to expose mom. They will HAVE to understand.
It's about choices: whose choices are whose to make. Your mother's choices, and your choices, and who is really in charge of what.
Your mother will not make choices that are - the medical world among others would say - in her best interests. That is her right. That is fine. If she understands and accepts the consequences... nobody can say her nay, including you.
What you have to accept is that you cannot solve this for her. You can't make the world gloriously exciting, interesting and comfortable for her. You can't give her a different life from the one she's spent all these years shaping.
And to take the pressure off yourself, you also have to look at your own choices. How much time are you able to give her without inconvenience or excessive stress? What support that she needs might be better provided by somebody else - a gardener, a shopping escort, an HCA, even a personal trainer! Have a good look at what you currently do for her, and see how many battles have really been worth picking. Then keep those, and get rid of the rest.
And go to sleep!
Don't think about this until daylight, but what's the plan for your sibling in the medium to long term?
You need to grt Out of this situation asap. Your mother is Selfish and UnAppreciative. She Obviously Doesn't care about her health Or Yours.
40% of caregivers Die Before the person their caregiving for.
At this point You need to decide whats best for YOU. Your mother has already made her choices in life and the answer to each one was she picked Herself over You. So why are you continuing to feed into her sickness? Are you OK with being her slave and being crapped on? If you like that then stay. If you don't like it then you need to Immediately send your Family&Mother the message in Writing that you are Burnt Out and are Unable to continue and Someone Else or a Facility needs to take over starting NOW.
Thats your answer. Like it or not.
Either you keep doing this to yourself...you Have the power to stop it. Notify Everyone that you are no longer going to live like this and unable to keep it up OR stay. Your choice.
There are facilities she could go to.
If she looses her house and most of her belongings not your fault. She has other family members that can help her.
It's not cold or cruel to choose yiur own happiness and well being. The alternative is to wait til it kills you which will happen at the pace your going your life will be shorter and unhappy.
Truth hurts and being an adult sucks a lot...but your pain and unhappiness is going to last as long as You let it.
Ive been living with my 80 year old mom for 13 months. She begged me to move in with her and I knew I wasn’t going to like it but I’m the only kid she has since my sister passed when we were kids.
My mom was a smoker and that was the first stipulation I made before moving my things to her house, NO SMOKING. I got her a vape pen and she sucks it 24/7 but at least it’s not cigarettes.
That being said, she too is also manipulative and “helpless” and is on Facebook all day.
When my burnout started (after about 4 mos of being here) I started spending more time in my room bingeing Netflix.
I make her meals and assist her shower time, but other than that I don’t hang out with her much anymore because I’m tired of the complaints and gloom.
She’s gotten used to my distance.
Its not the most comfortable situation, but you have to make boundaries where you can. I talk to her on messenger more than I talk to her in person even when she’s only 20 ft away, lol. I also got her an Alexa device so she can talk to it and listen to music. It helps.
Good luck 🙏😷💕🎶
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