My mother is an active alcoholic with alcohol related dementia. She is non-verbal, just sometimes managing yes and no answers. She seems to love and is extremely dependent on her live-in caregiver, the only person she recognizes, who gives her food, alcohol, and companionship, but her caregiver just expressed her extreme dislike of me, is extraordinarily rude and verbally abusive to me. I feel the caregiver is manipulative, but my mom seems to trust her and enjoy her company. What should I do?
To answer this question you must tell us if you are your Mom's DPoA? Is anyone her DPoA or legal guardian.
If the answer is no, then you have no power to do anything except to contact APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Since your Mom likes this person, even this tactic may not go very far if she tells them she isn't being abused or neglected in any way. If it's not your house and not your legal responsibility you will have to watch the train wreck in slow motion from the sidelines.
You keep calling this person a "caregiver"... were they actuallyt hired specifically by your Mom or you for this job? Were they sent by the county? Or, are they some opportunist or fellow drinking buddy that your Mom has allowed to move in?
We need specific details.
Get POA now if not already
If the person disappears. she will forget her and adapt
Having serious concerns about a caregiver is one thing. Having the authority to hire & fire caregivers is another.
Do you have POA? If not, who does?
Does she live with you?
Are you her POA?
Do you intend to allow her to drink herself to death?
If the answer to the above is that "Yes, this is the case", then I don't see a problem with the caregiver. Just keep the money away from her and continue to manage your mother's assets as her POA.
If however, you are not POA, not managing assets, and not living with your mother, not intending to curtail her drinking or withdraw her from alcohol, then I don't see what choice you have in the matter. Your mother's liver will likely soon follow the direction her brain has already gone. She may not have long to live. I can't see why she shouldn't choose her own options if you aren't managing for her.
Do fill us in as to the current living conditions. As with most questions this comes down to what power you do or don't have to make any changes.
Is her "caregiver" trained and licensed? If so, report her to the state board. Then contact APS and get Mom into a care facility.
Since Mom has a diagnosis of dementia so severe that she is non-verbal, someone needs to be her guardian. Your family needs to figure that out. Is there anyone else involved, and do they have the same impression you do?
If her companion is isolating Mom from family and has access to her money assume she is using it for her own benefit unless proven otherwise. If this is not the case she would want family involved to support her efforts to care for Mom. Once you know that money is being taken, call the police. Even if you don't get anything back for Mom's care you need to stop a predator from taking advantage of the next victim.
The badmouthing and disrespect isn’t right, but if she’s an addict there’s a whole lot more going on than that. I’d be tempted to walk away from the whole mess.
Apply for Medicaid and get mom into a SNF where she can detox safely, if you are POA. Otherwise, after Ray runs off the caregiver, wean mom slowly off booze as you train another REAL caregiver who's qualified and not an addict herself.