My mother in law (MiL) suffered a massive stroke and is paralyzed on the right side and incontinent and can't communicate much. My DH wants to leave his job to move home to be her caregiver either at her house or to visit her daily if she is discharged to a nursing home or assisted living. She used to live by herself. He is adamant of his decision whether I move with him or not. I neither speak the language nor have a job if I move with him. I offered him that we visit his Mom once every 2 weeks as we live in a different country from his Mom (~1.5 hours flight). I am torn and don't know what to do. I don't want to devote my life to care for his Mom and feel rotten for not being able to support my DH with his wish. I will also likely lose my marriage as I don't know how to maintain a long distance one with no end in sight. I moved from the US to Europe to be with him leaving my aging parents in the US. I still live with that guilt as I put my marriage over taking care of my parents. I am still taking care of my parents long distance and flying back and forth the US to see them. Thank you very much in advance for all the advice!
We do not know:
when this stroke happened
what can be expected in terms of recovery
how old the lady is
where she lives
where the OP and her DH live
who else is involved in supporting the lady's future care
what options are available
how much thought the OP's DH has given to the various options
and above all
what the lady's own preferences and plans might be.
It would not be an unusual reaction to an elderly parent's stroke for an adult child to rush to her bedside and instantly volunteer as nurse, cook, handyman, bottle washer and general factotum for the rest of her natural life. But that's not a plan. That's a first reaction to an upsetting event, and overreacting to the reaction will just add to the upset.
Deep breaths and patience are often a good move.
The problem I see with you moving with him is that you don't speak the native language and apparently can't work there. If you don't already have lot of friends and in- law relatives that you know and get along with... without a work environment you are going to be pretty isolated emotionally (that is assuming that DH has a job lined up because how will the two (should I say the three of you) live? And if you are not working, I can almost guarantee that you are going to be the one providing the skilled nursing care for MIL. I have a feeling that neither of you is quite aware of what goes into to caring for someone in MIL's condition - you both may be emotionally and physically unable to handle it. Having said that I should mention that most nursing and PT staff will tell you that you don't know how good the recovery is from a massive stroke for about 5-6 months. Maybe you should show him some of the posts from this forum or speak with a nurse about caring for a stroke victim. Could be an eye opener.
I would urge you to stay where you are living now but being supportive to DH and to MIL but I would personally think long and hard before moving to a place where I can't speak the language, have no friends or support system and no job.
Wishing you peace and grace on your journey
Can you afford, on your own income, to stay where you are? If so, stay put and continue living your life without him. It may not be the best time to divorce, but if you must, you must.
I do have to ask...what if one/both of your parents were to become critically ill, or be in same position as his mom, would you return to the US to care for them? Or to be closer to see them before they pass? The answer to that may help you decide to support him now or to move on with your life without him.
Some confusion - you were from US. He lived in Europe, but not in the same county where his mother lives?