My brothers all live in different states or countries. 10 years ago, I moved our mom and dad into my home (while I was being medically retired from the military with my own health issues) because our parents could no longer take care of themselves. Dad has since passed and Mom has Vascular Dementia.
Since then, my brothers have visited and we send the occasional email, but all care is left to me. I have full POA.
Our Mom does pay for an aide to come so that I get a few hours break. But, like many, almost every aspect of my life has been negatively affected by being a caregiver... financial, emotional, social, and physical. I think that there is a lot of willful blindness by 2 of my siblings as to how much I have sacrificed. My other brother has taken care of his wife's elderly family member and understands.
However, since I have always been stoic and a future planner, I have coped well. And I do not regret my decision to care for our parents.
But then there will be a line in an email and it will just sends me into PO'd rantings.
This time it was "Sounds like Mom isn't too much effort for you."
I typed a response that included a couple of FUs... which I did not send as I am letting my blood cool.
Mom has dementia, and I stepped in to make sure she was someplace safe and convenient for me. When my brother made a comment about "it would have been nice to be asked about what to do", I simply ignored it. When my sister texted demands about being added to the emergency contact list, for it to be OK for her to sign mom out, etc., I ignored it. As my mom's sister said, who cares what they want or think, they haven't been there and haven't been doing anything for years while I was always there during holidays, on my vacation time, whenever I could. Keep your distance and let it roll off your back.
It's like a work situation; the more competent we appear to be, the more work is thrown on our desk, right? So no good deed goes unpunished. If we act like hysterical drama queens, then we appear incompetent and everyone thinks, OMG, look how unhinged she is, she can't handle this! But if we act composed and together, everyone thinks, WOW, look what a cake walk her job is!
It's a lose-lose situation for caregivers everywhere, especially women (in my opinion).
If I were you, I would tell your brother exactly how much effort it truly IS for you to care for his mother by writing out a list of all you do on a daily basis. No joke. Literally, type out a list of all you do for her. ALL OF IT. It will be mind boggling, I guarantee you, and it will reconfirm just HOW tough of a job it truly is, not to mention how much it would pay if each job were to be broken down and paid individually!
Do it!
You don't need FUs to get your point across. The List will be much more effective.
A cool, succinct recitation of facts and reality is far harder to rebut. Not that such will necessarily prevail with the intractable person, but it will win over any 3rd party to the exchange, and is good practice.
Ignore that brother. He is just ignorant and has no idea. Hopefully, one day he will find out.
They one thing my brothers did do was thank me for caring for Mom. That really meant a lot. Also, they never criticized me or even made comments. So, all decisions were mine to make.
"Sounds like Mom isn't too much effort for you"
really means you are doing such a great job of caring for your mom that no one else has to worry about a thing. This isn't really a compliment tho. It just gets the shirker off the hook.
You can continue being a great caregiver for as long as it works for you. When it no longer works, again it will be you who does a great job finding care for mom. No one's going to do it for you.
Let these email jabs be motivation to make the changes you need.
Same here.
this is so perfectly written that i even quoted your first sentence and just sent it to my brothers right now.
🎁
You are a gift to us!
Do you have a "delete" button on your email account. Comes in handy every time!
Glad I could help!
There does come a time when a love one needs a village to take care of them, especially when it comes to later stages of dementia where 24 hour care is needed.
Your brother who has helped with his wife's family elders knows all too well what is involved, and he and wife probably do not want to go down that road again. They are exhausted.
Please note that up to 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds. What if something happens to you, then what? Moving a person who has dementia to another State or Country is not in their best interest.
Do your brothers feel that Mom should be in Memory Care, where professionals are ready to help no matter what is the situation?
Why?
One volunteers.
"I moved our Mom and Dad into my home".
Why? Because it felt right.
Nothing wrong with that!
You stepped in to help.
But the needs change over time. They keep growing. Therefore the care needs to change & grow too.
So.. onwards to change..
Before you plan the next steps, seeing where you are is always a good starting point.
Which is where? Getting snowed under.
Are you going to wait for your brothers to shovel you out? Even though it's clear they are NOT volunteering to be caregivers. Or look for someone who CAN help? Eg more paid carers?
I get you want some recognition, respect & support - coz you deserve it! Sadly, expecting others to meet our needs can leave our needs 'unmet'.
Give yourself a BIG pat on the back today 🤗
Tomorrow start thinking about what to change.
Cashew, you are exactly correct that sibling is trying to assuage their guilt. Make the most of it.
AND think about arranging some respite for yourself. ((((Hugs))))
not all choices are really choices. i'll give you an example: where we live, really, the facilities are terrible. (when i say, "where we live", i don't mean my whole country. i mean, where we live). the life expectancy in the facilities here is 3-6 months. really. in addition, famous for neglect and abuse. if my LOs had gone there, it's very likely they would have died a long time ago, AND had a miserable last months of life.
everyone where i live, tries to keep their elderly parents home.
mstrbill, you might say: "BOJ you had a choice. you could have put your LOs in a facility."
i would say: "no, i had no choice. i'll do all i can so that my parents can stay at home, and live happily and long."
indeed, my brothers also want them to stay at home (we're all aware the facilities here are bad). i said, "brothers, if you want your parents to stay at home, then you must help to make that happen. it doesn't magically happen."
2.
helping can come in many forms. there is a huge difference between a TOTALLY non-helping sibling, and a sibling who at least helps a little. even little things help lessen the burden of the sibling-who-helps-a-lot. siblings can also show deep gratitude for all the helping-sibling is doing. there are so many ways to help; or express gratitude.
P.S.
Dear brothers, I have many friends. One of them is called Bundle of Joy, and she's going to whip your butts. Have a good day. Sincerely, Cashew
i’ve always loved your screen name.
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now for the topic:
your silly, selfish brothers.
“But, like many, almost every aspect of my life has been negatively affected by being a caregiver... financial, emotional, social, and physical.”
EXACTLY.
:(
your brother said:
"Sounds like Mom isn't too much effort for you."
selfish, ungrateful, insulting response. i also would have raged, reading that.
——
my own way of dealing with such things? i reply, with an angry message. i let it all out. even if my 3 brothers don’t read the message, i’ve said what i need to say. if you keep it in, it might blow up at some point later in life. i prefer to express right away that i’m angry. deal with the injustice now. otherwise the injustice will be simmering in your mind/body/soul.
they deserve to hear your anger. they might ignore your anger - and that might make you even more angry. ok. well, express that anger too. you’re going to have to deal with this justified anger anyway, at some point. the greater the injustice, the greater the justified anger.
——
many of us, when we’re angry/sad/badly treated, start eating badly. comfort eating.
then:
not only were you unjustly treated, but your body also starts suffering.
meanwhile, the selfish-ones don’t have a care in the world, leading a fulfilling/thriving life at your expense.
if you didn’t exist cashew, your brothers would have had to take action, put effort/work into helping your parents (for example, finding a good facility also takes work/time).
——
all these bad siblings should become siblings of each other. imagine cashew, your bad brothers and my bad brothers, would be brothers. they’d have to deal with each other’s selfishness.