How do I tell my mom w/ dementia, her close, youngest sister just passed away, in order to help her grieve in a graceful way?
My Mother is 75, with Dementia. She's very sensitive, and really expresses her feelings. I wouldn't say she's overly, dramatic. But she has been, in the past. Her very close, baby Sister, Lucy, just passed away, February 28, 2013. How, and when should I as the Son/Caregiver, break this bad news to her? She has just been doing very well, with her activities. meeting up with old friends she hasn't seen in 30 years, going on her walks, drawing, coloring, letter writing. As she's doing all these activities, she remenisses a lot about her childhood, and her sisters, and speaks a lot about her baby sister, Lucy. Do I bring in other family members? Do I have certain female family members tell her? Do I have to break it to her? with my Brother present?( who is the Power of Attorney.) Do we do it A.S.A.P.? or give it time? Because the calls are really starting to come in. And she answers the phone too. I have no experience in this matter. Any suggestions? So I can help her to grieve in a proper, peaceful, and graceful way. Thank you listening, and I appreciate your support. God Bless us all.
3 Answers
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I'm not so positive that the goal should be "proper, peaceful, and graceful" grieving. What is wrong with Mother getting dramatic over this loss? Would it really be so terrible if her grief wasn't graceful? With or without dementia, sometimes people just break down when learning that a loved one died. And someone who really expresses her feelings is likely to not be peaceful at this news.
Maybe a more appropriate goal would be for her to absorb the news and react to it in her own way, and to be able to accept it and move on. And there is no time table for grief, so I wouldn't put a deadline on it.
It sounds like you are going to be upset with Mother's reaction. That is OK. You are entitled to your level of sensitivity, too. So is there someone else in the family who would be more accepting of Mother's reaction, whatever it turns out to be? I don't think you have to be the one to break it to her, and I don't think having POA has anything to do with this situation. The person who should tell her about this is the one she will be most comfortable with and the one who can best comfort her through whatever reaction she has.
Unless she will be expected at some service in a few days I would ordinarily say there is no hurry and you might lead up to the announcement by telling her Lucy is sick, etc. for a few days. But if there is a chance she will find out by answering the phone, then I think this should be done as soon as possible, so she is told directly and by someone she loves.
If she were 96 and Lucy lived on the other side of the country and they seldom were in contact, I'd really question the need to tell her at all. But since she is active and sees other people who might mention it, I don't think not telling her is an option in this case.
Does she have a close friend, especially one from childhood who knew Lucy, who lives in the area? What about a clergy person? If someone like that could be asked to make a condolence call a few hours after she has been told, that might be helpful.