My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
Unless there is a plan in place, you won’t have their mother for a visit, because that might make everyone think it can be permanent. (Or, bluntly, it may be hard to make her leave.) I wouldn’t go into the potential difficulties between the sisters – that’s not the point. I wouldn’t explain your own workload problems – that’s not the point either. Keep referring to her as YOUR mother. Give your sympathy for dealing with a difficult situation. It’s very very important not to leave this vague!
Of course she feels lost & unsure at this time. But she will need to talk to her adult children about her situation. Talking to the leader in her faith (if she has one) would also be normal to do at this time.
"my mom could visit her for a short time"
If your Mother is able-bodied, she can go visit her sister if she likes.
Visitors cannot just lob onto your doorstep - even family. Visitors must work in with what suits their host. Also must also be able bodied, no-one should feel entitled to turn up to be 'nursed'.
The two sisters may enjoy many phone chats instead. That would be my suggestion for now.
No discussion. No argument. A simple and kind and polite "no".
Your cousins, if they wish to have no part in your Aunt's care can request that the court provide a Fiduciary and that Aunt become a ward of the State who will manage her finances and her care.
If you have one cousin you can talk to, I may do it after u tell the Aunt. I may even record the conversation so Aunt can't twist it around. You can't be wishy washy. You need to be firm and direct. At this point I wouldn't even allow a visit. Your Aunt has children!
Its good that Mom doesn't want her sister to visit. I wouldn't bring this up in the initial talk but remember the house is yours. Even though Mom lives there and considers it her home too, its still your home. What if u did bring Aunt in for an "extended" visit and Mom passes. Are you now stuck with the Aunt? Because her loving children don't want her. What is going to happen to Aunts home while she is on this extended visit? Is she going to sell it because in her mind extended means forever. Then she has nowhere to go back to. Even if Mom wanted her to come, your house, your decision.
Stand firm. Come back and tell us how things work out.
Simply say “no”. No reason, no excuse, not even “because I can’t”. Otherwise, people will try to change your mind, argue with you, reason with you, or even bully you to get their own way. Any information you offer with “no” gives them a chance for a rebuttal.
If anyone keeps pushing you after you’ve said no more than twice, it may be best to not even respond. Silence may be your strongest answer.
Rinse and repeat. Stay tough. She HAS a family and they should be handling this, not you.
No long, deep explanations needed. Just a firm 'no'.
I don't see that cousins getting mad at you for not taking Aunt in, leaves you with the responsibility of finding the Aunt a place to live. I don't feel that children should be made to physically care or allow a parent to live with them but this woman has 4 children. At least one has to be willing to help her find an AL to live. After that they can put her in the hands of the State.
Your Aunt is not your responsibility and don't allow her to be. Good or bad she needs to ask her kids for help. I don't mean to care for her or bring her into their home but to help her find a place where she will be cared for. At that point, they can step back. You need to make it clear that you and Mom are not an option. "So sorry, I have enough on my plate"
NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!
No lengthy explanations, no excuses, no need to give reasons.
A woman invites herself to live with your mother? On what planet is THAT okay?
I don't care if she is an emotional disaster area or one of the Borgias or Typhoid Mary, it doesn't matter to you and mother why her husband died, where she lives or how she will manage. These issues are hers to solve, and it is not for your mother to rescue her from any mess she may have made.
You and mother can help one another practise, actually - you have to say "completely impractical. No." without adding anything, looking away or letting your heart rate rise. Once you can do that, you say it to aunt.
When is your mother visiting her? I didn't like the sound of that. Can you or DH pick her up to make sure there aren't any stowaways?
The obvious response to your aunt and your cousins is “No, I am all tapped out with care for my mother, my full time career and myself. Aunt Jane, I know the dream of living with Mom was lovely 30 years ago, but I can’t provide the support, because I don’t have enough time to add another person to the list.”
Stick to your guns. No is a full sentence. Do NOT use the word “sorry.”
'I want to make something very clear to everyone. Aunt (fill in name here) will not going to be coming to live at my house. It is not possible for that to work out and it is not going to happen.'
I'm pretty sure if it's explained in these terms everyone will understand.
You are not that facility. You will need to stand firm both with your cousins and your mother. You do not need justifications for why it would be a bad idea. It is not an option.
Simply make it VERY clear through text or email for proof that auntie is not an option to live with you as you have enough problems of your own with working full time and caring for mom. As they come up with ideas on how you can handle bringing auntie into your home, just tell them you've got enough on your plate and the answer is no. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't let your mom visit your auntie because it can be construed by your cousins that their auntie is moving in with their mom & could drop your auntie off when you're at work!
I realize that this may not be what you want to happen, and believe me I feel for the Aunt but if her own kids do not want to do for her, there is a reason. She must not have been an easy person to get along with and Uncles death was the straw that broke the camels back. You are not the solution. You are not the only person who took a relative in for a "short-time" and then could not get them out. And the authorities are not all that helpful when u need help getting them out.
So what would happen if your cousins refuse any communication with and refuse to help their mother with ANYthing? Assuming your aunt is mentally competent, then what would happen? Just how rural an area is this that nothing can get delivered? No Meals on Wheels? How does she get to her doctor appointments?
What would happen if APS got involved?
What would happen for a childless widow, with no family and in an area with no services? You are a social worker, you must know. Remember that this particular example is not your professional responsibility, so perhaps the right thing is for you to contact the social workers for whom it really is their job. You could also send your aunt the phone numbers she could use herself.
If you step out, the chances are that aunt will live alone in her house for a while, and that eventually her own children will manage to come back into the picture. Right now, between the suicide and the funeral, it sounds like it’s just too hard for them to deal appropriately with their mother as well.
You don’t have to pick up this burden.
Are you concerned that your mother might be a weak point in the boundary, and if your aunt leans on her hard enough might let her in?
Questions for you.
Why do you have to "nicely explain"? Can you just explain factually and pleasantly? And leave YOUR emotions out of the conversation?
Why do you have to explain yourself to your aunt's children at all? Do you think you OWE them an explanation? Why?
Why is your aunt her children's responsibility? Why can't your aunt take responsible for herself? If her children, for whatever reasons, don't want to or can't help, then they can't be forced to help.
EmtionallyNumb - I am afraid it's not so clean cut like that. Once you get yourself involved, you're in for the long haul. You're going to be called upon to be responsible, to help out, to answer questions, to take the blame, etc.
I recommend you NOT to even dip a toe in that murky waters.
Aren't you busy enough with your professional job and your mother's needs?