His father just had a stroke in September. His father wasn't even working before he stroke. His mother was freeloading, too. We have two kids, no savings, paying for home and car mortgage, too. I feel I am being taken advantage of because I earn for myself. I can't even help my parents because I have to be the backup when my husband is out of funds. I am so fed up I want them to die.
I think that you need to seek to have a calm, heart to heart discussion with your husband. Instead of making you statements which will put him on the defensive, use I statements which don't sound attacking.
For example, instead of saying you make me so angry when you are so generous to your parents, say something like I feel hurt and angry when you give so much to your parents. I'd even say something like it also hurts me that as the backup person for when we are out of funds that you give them so much when we have two children to think of.
I think that I'd stay away from attacking his parents unless he agrees that they are freeloaders.
I think that I'd also avoid saying things like "You are such a 'sucker,' 'wimp' or so 'stupid' for giving so much to your freeloader parents.
Instead you may want to ask something like how does giving so much to your parents when we barely make ends meet make you feel? Or you could ask him "why do you feel like you have to give them so much?"
I hope this explanation is clear. It does make a difference when you use "I feel" instead of "you make me feel."
It also helps to ask the other person about how they feel instead of imposing how you think they must or ought to feel upon them. Take care and don't yell and scream although you may feel like doing so.
If he still does not listen after all of this, then I recommend getting the two of you together to a marriage and family therapist for an objective third party's help.
Make an appointment with a family therapist and meet him there.
Discuss.
Look, I don't know how you've handled money in your marriage before this, but it's unthinkable that he's putting his parents' wellbeing before that of your kids, and expecting YOU to contribute.
I agree with CM that this goes beyond " I" statements.
I'd be livid, and I'd want a professional opinion as to what is going on in your husband's head.
I am just so fed up. I think what triggered it more was having been able to read his chat about moving his parents to a better house. He promised his siblings that he would take care of the advance and deposit for them to be able to move in. I think that is so unfair as we haven't even enrolled our kids yet! School is about to start in July.
I think this may be beyond just I statements and need some serious marriage and family counseling. Has he always put his parents ahead of ya'll?
I wish you the very best. Keep us up to date, please.
I whole heartedly agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Could you give us some more detail regarding how you and your husband are helping his parents? Do they live with you, and if so, for how long and why? What type of help do your parents need and how far away do they live? Ages and health issues of parents would be helpful also.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this situation. It is so hard to plan for the future properly when your present is so unstable and your finances are stretched almost beyond their limit.
Your in-laws' behaviour is none of your business and not for you to criticise.
Your husband's behaviour, on the other hand, is very much your business because you and he are one, yes? Like real married couples ought to be.
So you have every right to take your husband up on this point of how you and he as a couple make decisions. About spending, and on what, about schooling, about priorities.
But leave his parents out of it. The point is he oughtn't to be making financial decisions without you. That's the key thing you need to get agreed with him, that you and he *together* decide where the money is going.
See All Answers