How do you discuss difficult stuff with a person who claims to not be able to handle hard subjects?
My MIL is a narcissistic drama queen. We moved across country to help manage her health care. Her medications were so out of whack that she was acting goofy and she was in the hospital every month for one illness or another. My husband has been taking the brunt of the work and has done an amazing job getting her back on track and keeping her out of the hospital. Last year, we realized that our marriage was suffering a lot due to the stresses that she put on him. She feigned illnesses and always found something "important" for him to do over at her house. We realized that she was creating drama and that helped us a bit with our approach to her. Since her illness, she has had to retire and doesn't have the social outlet she once had. She has no desire to get out of the house to do things other than shop for food on a RARE occasion. She over exaggerates her health issues and has now taken to making herself sick in order to go to the ER for attention. She is now taking advantage of my husband and trying to force him to manage her personal relationship with her abusive husband by saying that she was in the hospital because she was stressed out from her husbands abuses. When my husband attempted approach his dad, she got incredibly angry and said that she never told him to do that. My husband took her comment as a threat to her health. It's not my husband place and told her that he won't do it anymore. Now she is even MORE angry and has taken to hiding dr appts from him, adding medications without dr visits, not eating and then taking opiates. She has even taken to messing up her own medication dosage. This isn't the first time that she has taken advantage of a situation for her own personal attentions. She's manipulative and frustrating. When my husband tries to approach her and have an open and frank discussion with her, she tells him that she has some kind of illness that makes it so she can't handle stress, which includes having heart-to-heart conversations about relationships. When we DO try to talk to her, she zones out like a freakin' teenager! She has NO problem handling the stress that comes with traveling for a 2 week cruise! We are at our wits end trying to figure out how to talk to this woman. She can NEVER admit that she has done anything wrong. She falls into the "I'm the victim", but she has created the environment herself and refuses to see her part in it. How can we tell her that she's being horrible and that we know she's being manipulative? How can we tell her that she is ruining the last good relationship she has by being manipulative? How does one handle their sanity with a person who believes that they can do no wrong? MIL is 75.
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If your in laws were able to be such vacationers, might they be in a position to pay for assisted living? No doubt they are completely against it, but if you cut back on solving their problems they will have to meet themselves and make some real decisions. It is a hair ripper though, my husband is very manipulative, threatening to call elder abuse whenever he is thwarted - wanting car keys when he uses a walker, etc. I lately offer to call for him which shuts that topic down. I hate reminding him that I am his last bastion before a nursing home; It is so tricky dealing with personality disordered people who are weakening with age. Maybe give your MIL a phone number of a handy man to call when she needs things done, or the number of her "real" son; (roar! my blood is beginning to boil.) Then step back and wait for the storm to pass. Easier said than done, I know.
she has some kind of illness....
Are you taking advantage of going to a support group?
Sorry when people post blocks many of us cannot read the content.
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My MIL is a narcissistic drama queen. We moved across country to help manage her health care. Her medications were so out of whack that she was acting goofy and she was in the hospital every month for one illness or another.
My husband has been taking the brunt of the work and has done an amazing job getting her back on track and keeping her out of the hospital. Last year, we realized that our marriage was suffering a lot due to the stresses that she put on him. She feigned illnesses and always found something "important" for him to do over at her house. We realized that she was creating drama and
that helped us a bit with our approach to her.
Since her illness, she has had to retire and doesn't have the social outlet she once had. She has no desire to get out of the house to do things other than shop for food on a RARE occasion. She over exaggerates her health issues and has now taken to making herself sick in order to go to the ER for attention.
She is now taking advantage of my husband and trying to force him to manage her personal relationship with her abusive husband by saying that she was in the hospital because she was stressed out from her husbands abuses. When my husband attempted approach his dad, she got incredibly angry and said that she never told him to do that. My husband took her comment as a threat to her health. It's not my husband place and told her that he won't do it anymore.
Now she is even MORE angry and has taken to hiding dr appts from him, adding medications without dr visits, not eating and then taking opiates.
She has even taken to messing up her own medication dosage. This isn't the first time that she has taken advantage of a situation for her own personal attentions. She's manipulative and frustrating. When my husband tries to approach her and have an open and frank discussion with her, she tells him that she has some kind of illness that makes it so she can't handle stress, which includes having heart-to-heart conversations about relationships.
When we DO try to talk to her, she zones out like a freakin' teenager! She has NO problem handling the stress that comes with traveling for a 2 week cruise! We are at our wits end trying to figure out how to talk to this woman.
She can NEVER admit that she has done anything wrong. She falls into the "I'm the victim", but she has created the environment herself and refuses to see her part in it.
How can we tell her that she's being horrible and that we know she's being manipulative? How can we tell her that she is ruining the last good relationship she has by being manipulative?
How does one handle their sanity with a person who believes that they can do no wrong? MIL is 75.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this(other than hubs) and I'm just looking for some kind of direction. Sometimes I need to vent, this does not appear to be the place for it. Sorry. I'll try to be more tactful.
The most recent situation we are dealing with threw us for a loop and we are trying to figure out how to navigate. The suggestion about BPD was golden. I'm still researching but I hope that will help.
Thanks to all who supplied helpful and caring comments!
I used my parents as an example. His parents did help us out, but help was never offered, we had to ask. Most people I know would offer or ask if there was anything they could do, but none of that came from his family.
His parents are married, but they do not have what I would call a "marriage".
In regards to the doctors, Yes, she has a lot but not 15, maybe closer to 7-8. All are necessary due to her comorbidities.
Meanwhile, every time your husband tries to discuss finances or practical management with his mother he gets shut down. Nobody in the family wants to talk about it? - or talk to him about it?
And now you'd like to move back but you, kind of, have an inheritance to take care of.
You do realise how this sounds, don't you?
And for heaven's sake, are the parents married or not? "Married: yes/no" is not a qualitative datum.
On our move down here a year and a half ago, we were 90 miles into the trip with a moving truck (him driving) and our personal car with three cats (me driving) when my husband got violently ill. We ended up spending 10 days in a town I had no idea how to get around in (good thing for Google Maps), with no money (we had budgeted just enough for the move), and hubs in the hospital. He was in the hospital for a total of 7 or 8 days, depending on how you count. I was stuck in a hotel with three cats! It was terrifying. During this stressful time, his family, parents and brother included, had the audacity to question us about how we were going to pay our bills when we got there. They offered no help (we had to beg for $$). His brother had the balls to offer to fly over and drive the rest of the way back under certain conditions. To top it off, they NEVER called to ask how he was doing! I can't believe the selfishness in that family. My parents were ready to drop everything to come help us.
After that ....interesting...encounter, we made sure to have an agreement. If our marriage starts to suffer, we are outta here!
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/borderline-personality-Narcissistic-mother-142833.htm
Hubs and I try very hard to not let it affect our lives. We try to have a very separate life. We need to get out more.....right now he is so emotionally drained he doesn't want to go anywhere.
The other thing I do is turn it on her. For example, she'll say her blood sugar reading is too high because I put so much stress on her earlier. I'll say it is more likely caused by that pack of crackers she ate a few minutes back. She has dementia, so it doesn't really stick, but it does back her off from blaming me for something that wasn't my fault.