Hello all … back again … we were ~so close to placing MIL in a home. So close. The past few weeks were awful. The raging, screaming, yelling, breaking things. It was awful and we were terrified. We called police who basically told us we were over exaggerating and that she was a nice (albeit demented) lady, and that we were the issue. I am at my wits end. I had the facility lined up, with hubby requesting I find a place for her, and now he has backed out, saying he “needs another few months to sort things out.” He did not have dpoa, and he did visit a lawyer, who set the papers up for him to get mom to sign. He has yet to do it. I am baffled. MIL has been awful, manipulative, and hateful to us for YEARS and the dementia has only made it that much worse. Currently she is behaving ok, and I believe that she thinks she’s got us “back in her corner.” We essentially have put zero consequences in place for her actions.
I’m sick of getting blamed by her / neighbors for “not taking care” of her (her words), despite doing literally everything. And being told by friends that this is “so hard” for hubby and to be patient. I’ve been patient for years. Now, my safety, our family’s safety, and our general health and well being, is at risk because of this woman turned monster. The fact that she can fool people so well is mindblowing and so frustrating. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped in our own home. And I feel as if this is going to be turned around on me again. Like I’m the bad guy if she ends up going to a home. I can’t understand why he would want to keep doing this.
Your husband needs to make a choice here and it sounds like he would rather cater to mom than have a grownup relationship, wife and family.
It's sad, for sure.
You need to protect your children and your health.
Make a statement he'd be stone deaf not to finally hear.
Then he makes a choice, once he's doing ALL the caregiving firsthand.
It is up to you to make the situation change, he will not. If you do not protect your children, it is on you.
Do what is right for you and your children, let him deal solely with his mama.
Good Luck
Cameras also need to be placed in all areas of your home so you have video proof of what is going on.
Moms rages and breaking things coupled with dementia can lead to her physically hurting you and even killing you. Is hubby willing to risk that?
If hubby after all that mom us doing thinks and considers you the bad guy for getting his mother placed. Then you might want to rethink your entire relationship.
You may be telling yourself that it’s not so bad. But it is.
I am so sorry.
This is a terrible situation. Either his mother leaves the house, or you and the children do.
So sorry you are going through this. Caregiving has broken up many marriages and sibling relationships as well. It should not be this way.
Frankly , it's very upsetting just reading posts like yours, and there are many. These demented people lived their lives , I don't understand why people think our lives have to be ruined taking care of them when there are alternatives. That is why there are AL, MC, and SNF. The guilt that is put on caregivers who have had enough and there lives are a mess is outrageous.
A while back I posted a question asking if anyone besides me felt like their parents would live longer than them (longer than the caregiver). This question set off an explosion of responses from current and former distressed caregivers.
By coincident , at the same time, another poster posted in the discussion section, asking how caregivers were influenced by their parents to become caregivers and if it will ever change ( paraphrasing, don't remember the exact words). This also got many responses. That was a very busy weekend for responses with people sharing their experiences.
Bottom line is.. . You need to get out of caring for this woman. And yes, these people can "show time" and appear the victim to the authorities. Frustrating isn't a strong enough word.
Next time you call the police and they say you are the problem tell them then they need to take you into custody. A few hours in a police station might be more of a relaxing place than your home.
As for your husband..tell him you will contact an attorney and he can sign divorce papers if he will not sign papers for mom. (by the way if mom is not competent she legally can not sign any papers.)
Next time a neighbor says you are not taking care of her invite the neighbor to come over "tomorrow" so you can have a day off. If by some miracle they actually take you up on this leave as soon as they get there and tell them you will be home at 7pm. ("forget" your phone in the bedroom)
Let the people who call you the bad guy , take over the caregiving . You’ve done enough . If they don’t want to take over then they can be the bad guy .
You have to make your own health and safety a priority .
Is it possible for you and your children to move out for a while? Do you know of a reasonably priced place to stay? Maybe a short term rental property would work until you are able to make a permanent move.
People will say to go to a hotel which really isn’t a viable option unless you have loads of money.
Staying in a hotel would be fine for a short term solution. A long stay in a hotel will add up quickly!
I doubt that you want your marriage to end due to your mother in law but your husband seems to be opening the door wide open for you to walk through.
If you leave your marriage, I feel that it is more his loss than yours. You have stood by his side regardless of how hard it has been.
Has your husband been there for you? He made an attempt but didn’t keep his word about placing his mom. So, why should you stay and support him and your demented mother?
I am sure that you have heard the expression that it’s only a ‘good deal’ when ‘both’ parties are happy.
Ha! Those cops that said that your mother in law was a “nice lady” should have to live with her for a while. They would change their view on her after she showed her true colors.
You have every right to be upset. I feel for you. I hope that you are able to find a way out of this situation.
Please don’t stick around if your husband isn’t willing to care about how this is affecting you and your children. He doesn’t deserve you. He can put up with the craziness by himself.
Wishing you and your children all the best.
But I get it.
The caregivers are in crises.
I agree that the DH is opening the door for the OP to leave (for now). I'd say go too if somewhere appropriate & affordable can be arranged. Even for a weekend.
However, it may make the husband feel cornered? He may blame the OP for forcing his hand.
Ideadly another man could set him sstraight. Straight up & blunt. "Mate. Don't lose your wife & kids. Time for Ma to move that's all. Get it done."
I myself would leave now. If husband doesn't want placement, that is fine. He can care for her on his own. I would get a job and a room and a legal separation.
You will have to make your own decisions on what's best for you. But as long as you are all the solutions to this, there will BE no solutions. I wish you the best.
As far as the bad guy, unless you MADE MIL this way, unless you CAUSED all these problems you are not the bad guy. And not everything can be fixed. You didn't break it; you can't fix it. That means you aren't the bad guy.
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