My husband's family continues to take him wherever he wants,..... to withdraw money from an investment firm, even though they will no longer allow it since I now have POA..... They took him to look for an apartment; he believes there is nothing wrong with him and he can live on his own. He informed me that he's moving out of assisted living to an apartment on Oct 1st (today is Sept. 17th). He showed me a brochure re: apt., although I believe it's a motel, but he can rent it for $475 mo., which he believes is great because it's cheaper than AL. I told him he can't drive, he said he'll take the bus (he uses a walker, is unsteady on his feet) He has no access to money and he said if I would not voluntarily give him whatever amount of money he needs that he will sue me for the money. He constantly uses his cell phone, going over the alloted minutes. We have shared plan of 700 minutes per month and have never gone over in many years). He has used over 300 min.in 15 days, I have used 20 min in the past 15 days. I have usage control on his phone, he has 530 minutes, I have what's left... I have told him when the 530 min. have been used, his phone will be shut down and he will no longer be able to make calls until next month. Now he accuses me of cutting him off from the world, even though he did agree with the usage plan when I explained it to him. He continues to argue whenever I see him (4 times per week) at AL. It's always the same argument, "he's ok, nothing wrong with him, why can't anyone understand that, (although his sister and nephew insists he's ok, they see him maybe once a week or less, but talks to sister via phone daily). he needs money, he's moving out to live on his own and prove to everyone that nothing is wrong with him"!!! I'm at the point that I feel like I am the one who is absolutely losing my mind, and maybe he is the normal one!!! Everyone tells me to take his cell phone away, since that is how he makes so many of these contacts and "plans". His family thought I was the devil himself when I did not give him the cell phone. I feel obligated to visit him, he's my responsibility, but he is persistent, never gives up, sounds "normal" when he talks to people, but is very transparent when the doctor, nurse, professionals talk to him!!!! When I took him to the doctor and out to lunch last week, the doctor, again, told him he is where he needs to be and life would not go well for him if he tried to live on his own. I feel I'm at the edge of a cliff, hanging on with my fingernails, and quite frankly, I'd like to let go and drop off the edge of the cliff so i could be out of my misery.
What is the solution????????????? I was convince by all medical professionals that if he came home which was my intention, that I would be sick and it would destroy me. This a.m. I woke up with dizziness and shaky hands. Please, someone help.
Thank you to anyone who can help, either tell me I am out of my mind or that he is where he belongs, but how do I continue to deal with this????????? Every day there is another issue.
I would consult with an Elder Law attorney, show him the statement from the doctor and ask if there is something that can be done short of putting a restraining order on your husband's family. I would flatly refuse to assist with any kind of legal paperwork that your husband initiates - just let him holler and walk away. I would prepare a stock letter for every person/lawyer/company he contacts, explaining his condition (short & sweet) and that you hold the POA, to please disregard your husband's communications, and if any questions, to contact you directly (they will go away) and sign it as POA, and put a "cc" at the bottom with the name of your your lawyer (just for his file copy).
As POA, you can also file a change of address for him at the post office where the AL facility is, and have ALL mail that is addressed to your husband's name, forwarded to your home address. You see, you will now be "cutting him off at the pass" and can now manage the correspondence without interference. Then don't bring any mail to him - you manage the mail, period.
As for your sister-in-law and other troublesome family members, I would remind them that legally they have no say in how you manage your husband's care, and if they don't stop interfering and causing you trouble, you will ask the AL facility to bar them from visits or get a restraining order. I think you really need to get tough at this point - everyone has you running in circles and jumping through hoops - it's madness, and you are the only one who can put a stop to it.
As for the phone, I would get rid of it - you don't need the headaches. You could ask the AL facility to limit use of their phone to one call per day for 5 minutes. If he pesters other residents to use their phones, they will soon start to refuse him. He will have to get used to it.
If any of these ideas seem useful to you, you may want to also confer with your elder care lawyer if you have any doubts about putting them into practice.
Regarding the anxiety and anger issues, I would get in touch with his doctor and he may be able to prescribe something to calm him down and make him more reasonable to deal with.
Good luck, you have my best wishes, and thank you for any updates you care to share with us - even just venting!
Keeping your ability to track his calls secret, is the best plan. Unless you tell him, or say something that would give it away, he will never know.
As for papers from lawyers?
You do NOT need to tell him about what you fill out--it only upsets him more, and adds to his anger and determination.
Keep your tracking and paper signing/filling out, quiet!!!
Keep your calls to lawyers, car dealers, licensing agents, quiet!!!
Adding more phone minutes? NO!
"Not in budget"
Phone numbers disappeared from phone list in phone?
Can he remember the numbers, or does he need to ask for numbers?
Can he still look up numbers?
Can he have a very OLD phone book?
Or only enter limited numbers into his phone list?
Can phone be programmed to shut down during certain hours per day?
[[explained by saying "phone company troubles, cell phones not working except during certain hours, like in some other countries--solar flairs, etc. interrupting service???]]
Is he worse after sundown?
If so, can the phone disappear after about 4 p.m.?
["lost", then suddenly appear in morning?--if staff at AL will help out with that]
IF he believes he can drive a car, I wonder if you might be able to do
[maybe with help]
a trip to the DMV/DOL for him to try taking a drivers license test?
My Uncle did that for one Gma,
--Uncle had previously got in contact with the Licensing office, a person there, and told them he was bringing her there
---and to make sure she failed that test.
She was at a "between point" in her Alzheimer's, starting to get belligerent.
So they got there, and she of course, failed the test.
She was able to accept someone else telling her "No license" better than a relative--better for stranger to be "bad guy".
If your husband is trying to BUY a car--he CAN
...as long as he has money to do it.
ANYone can own a car--even without a license...it won't prevent him trying to drive it.
Sellers do not always demand to see a license all the time, either, before someone drives off with one.--unfortunately...
They DO demand to see proof of insurance though.
That might be sticking point for him getting into a car and driving away--you can contact insurers he has used in past, and give them a heads-up to prevent his signing up with them...otherwise, insurers can be greedy, and sign people up without question.
Mom insisted she could drive, but when I offered to let her drive my car up a rural road, she declined.
Then, she talked my brother into helping her buy a 4-wheel off-road thing
--it got delivered, she drove it--up and down that gravel road, all the bumps, potholes made it wobbly
--she made it crawl back to his house, got out, and said "can't do that".
It got returned, minus the unrefundable fees.
Later, she demanded to stop the car so she could see an RV camper
--before I could stop her, she had plunked $700 in the guys hand
--before looking inside to see what a wreck it really was.
...it needed BIG repairs before it could even roll down the road.
It nearly blew up on my DH as he drove it to a shop for repairs.
THAT was our "out" ---The guy played along with us, about how it was not salvageable, and got rid of it for us
--Mom was out that money, but she didn't seem to care.
If your DH has not been thinking about getting insurance and license to drive, he has not been thinking rationally again. He's just thinking to drive...that can be reported to 911, if he tries it.
You really need to be careful about his temper. Some with Dementia's can become suddenly violent.
Mom did.
And a friend's spouse did--they had to put him in an Alzheimer's facility to protect the wife from him. ...and he desperately wanted to come home, too
--anywhere but there.
He could get really angry and combative.
They simply all kept a united front, kept telling him he was where he needed to be, that they could bring holiday dinner to him, instead of his coming home, etc.
PLEASE do NOT feel guilty for his being in AL!!!
You did your best, and the safest place for him is in that AL.
His being there helps both of you.
He is not in his right mind--therefore, he will try to say anything he can to push your buttons and get you angry--best thing to do, is not respond to those!--silence means he has not pushed you, and he will try other things, but you win that round.
If he were at home, he would do same. Really.
Because he is, somewhere inside, trying to find something that feels familiar, something he can find to prove he is OK, and that life is as it was....ANYthing.
That he would be endangering himself or others in the process, means nothing to him at this point.
He is best staying where he is.
You are doing a good job, making sure funds are blocked from his access, keeping him safe where he is.
It can be a lot of work, doing "damage control" as he transitions from how he is,
to when he no longer cares about that stuff,
and maybe just complains of it anymore.
Sometimes it takes months, sometimes over a year, but he will deteriorate further and get past this stage.
And PLEASE do not worry about his threats to sue you and the AL...the staff there is not worried, neither should you be--just keep informing the lawyers of his status, and ---letting them know he is an "in-patient in an Alzheimer's Home".
Keep up the good work!
jeannegibbs--wish I had had your description of other manifestations of dementias, a few years back--might have been able to save some trouble here...didn't know that it could sound lucid....might have been able to facilitate getting Mom into a place before she messed us up.
But I didn't even know of this site then!
Sometimes, one has to lead practitioners to the problem really clearly, or they "miss it"--especially if the patient is poor, and they need to avoid taking on the cost of their care if they can get away with it.
If he were at home, there is no guarentee that he wouldn't want to get out of there. My husband kept trying to call the sherrif to report that he was being held captive against his will. I constantly wanted to "go home." (He was at home.)
I've kept my husband at home for 9+ years. We had a brief period of belligerence and paranoia. If that had continued I know I couldn't have kept him home. Each case is unique. Each of us has to make that hard decision about what is best for our loved one and for us. You are doing the right thing! You have enough to occupy your worry cells without second-guessing your decision.
What bothers me and makes me feel so guilty is that he seems so normal most of the time, except for the fact that he's calling car lots, trying to buy a car, even though he knows he cannot drive and that I have sold his car. Any of the calls he is making that are causing me so much anxiety are all related to: suing the nsg. home/hosp., buying a car, renting an apartment. The manager of A.L. said she really has no legitimate reason for talking with the sister, since she has not done anything wrong that she can prove, with the exception of the trip to the bank when he withdrew money. Now I have protected all the $$ so that's not an issue. She has no prove of anything now, so has no issue with her at this time.
What baffles me is that his memory is fairly good at this point. It's just that his reasoning and judgement are so off. He writes down phone #s and keeps them is his shirt pocket. Any letters he gets are in his jacket pocket and with him at all times. He is very clever and very sneaky and such a liar. I found out after he was hospitalized in April just what a liar he is, and how he was hiding so many things in his car, and had been lying to me for several years. I was told at the bank that he would go to them frequently and have them balance his checkbook because he was no longer able to.
When I hear of people who have spouses with dementia at home, I really admire them and feel guilty that my husband is in A.L. and I'm here at home. Although whenever I go to see him, 4 times weekly, I can hardly wait to leave. Today I suggested he not lay in bed all day and watch tv which is giving him a neck ache (he's complaining about it) and try a chair. He then said "Well, good, I'm glad we've got something to argue about, you always like to argue". Actually, I was only trying to help and do anything I can to avoid an agrument!!! I did what I always try not to do and blew up and told him off and felt guilty the minute I did it.
All the things he does are related to: getting out of there, getting money to get out of there, getting money to buy a car (which he cannot drive). I'm wondering if he were at home, the need to "get out of there" would be gone, but then I'd be scared to death re: money, car, etc. Since he has seemed fairly normal lately, I'm wondering if the dementia is not as bad as it was, but everyone has assured me dementia gets worse, always and never better.
Again, thank you everyone with your kind thoughts and suggestions. Wish I could find some peace of mind.
IS his sister also demented?
[[I don't think you mentioned if she is younger or older, nor what her profession has been, nor what her own health issues are??]]
Seriously!
You are doing a wonderful job, as others have said
--very good!
Do not fear a lawyer--the minute they see his data, they'll leave.
Even a shifty ambulance chaser should take a hike seeing his records.
BTW--if a lawyer sends your Husband papers to fill out,
do NOT do it for him
--this is a small test of his ability to order his mind.
If he wants them filled out, he has to do it himself.
You can offer to mail it for him, and, at that time, insert copy of Doc's evaluation of his mental state.
That helps show the lawyer what's what.
Getting rid of his phone is a great idea
--deleting all numbers except yours, is almost a good idea, alternately.
--letting him have to remember a phone number,
or have an Aide fetch it for him with a phone,
in the hallway,
means Staff keep track of calls,
AND, if he cannot remember the numbers, no calls go out-
-which reinforces that his mind is gone.
Sis then has to call in to the nurses station, and they would get her calls to him.
That is a call-tracking measure, as well as staff can overhear content--in some cases, if the patient gets too riled up on the phone, the nurse must step in, interrupt the call, apologize to the caller, hang it up, and calm and/or medicate the patient.
But a call plan with the sister??
NO.
IF he had that, SHE has control of records, not you.
At least while you have control of the phone records, you can see his call records.
THAT is a damage-control measure--as in, when you look who has been called, and can contact whatever lawyers he has called, and cut them off at the pass!
Sister needs a conference with Doc OR
nursing home facilitator,
and copies of his records showing his conditions.
Sis needs to understand clearly, how things are,
AND:
IF she moves him elsewhere, "Against Medical Advice",
SHE is now responsible for his 24/7 care,
AND
LIABLE if he comes to harm from that change in venue.
FURTHER, sis needs to clearly understand, that IF she helps him leave the current facility, which already has documented troubles caring for him,
another facility may likely refuse him entrance,
AND the present one may refuse to allow him back!
...Which leaves her doing 24/7 home care in her own home.
Is sis ready for that?
IF sis comes to such a meeting, and still insists on helping him move out on his own, and she understands she might be held liable for elder abuse or neglect for doing that....
IF she still wants to do that, you might not be able to stop her,
UNLESS you file a
Restraining Order against her and her family.
That could allow supervised visits, limited days or hours, etc.
It can be designed to fit needs, to protect your husband from them and himself.
Talk with an Elder Care Attorney about this.
You might be able to find one for free through your local office for
Area Agency on Aging--they usually have lawyers volunteer time to counsel elders needing legal help.
Hope you get them put in check fast!
This kind of mess can be wearing, scary, and feel threatening to the caregiver. But I think you have been doing a real good job--keep up hte good work!
{{[hugs!}}}
Divorce does not sound bad at this point either UNLESS..you have been married a long time and have accumulated wealth together. If that is the case, I'm make sure your attny divides everything equally. Then..let the sister take care of him...give POA to her. She'll learn REALLY fast what a nightmare it is.
Is it possible to have a sit down with the interfering sister? I am sure you want to rip her to pieces, but perhaps a (relatively) calm discussion of where she sees her brother and how she views his current situation may bring out more info for you.
Those who have never experienced care giving for a dementia person, have NO IDEA that the responsible person must take on the parent role. As you have already demonstrated in your thoughts, you have to do what is best for him.
You don't mention his age. If he is older and his family is older, they too may not be able to properly assess the situation. It doesn't sound like the lawyers should be your biggest worry. By the way, forms can be half completed so you can honestly say you mailed them back.
As you know, arguing with a dementia patient is fruitless and just aggravates both of you. Good luck, we are all here for you.
So many people (my family and friends) want me to divorce. I just don't want to do this, although there are many times when I think that may be the only way to end of this uproar from him. He would then need to find someone else to be his advocate.
I can't even imagine in my wildest dreams what would happen to him if he did move into an apt.
Sorry for bending your ear, but it's comforting to know that someone who understands is willing to listen.
You are acting in his best interests. You are upholding the "or for worse" and "in sickness" parts of the marriage vows. You deserve praise and support, not the undermining you are getting from his relatives.
All of this is Not Your Fault. I know that you know that. You certainly did not cause him to develop dementia. But guilt is such a constant companion for caregivers that I suggest you adopt this mantra for a while: "It is not my fault!"
From other posts I know you are strong and resourceful and can overcome each of these hideous hurdles as they come up. You will figure out the cell phone thing. (I think taking it away entirely is a good idea, but you are in the trenches and know which battles to fight.) You have control of his money so he is not moving out. For him to sue you, even if his crazy sister assists him, is so ludicrous as to be laughable. It is not happening. So ... you will continue to fight this one little battle at a time.
I am sooooo sorry for you! Yes, he is your responsibility, but I wonder if you can lighten your load somewhat. Discuss with your lawyer what options might be available. Would hiring a care manager be appropriate and help? Do you need to have the courts appoint someone else as his guardian? Could the lawyer write a stern letter to the interfering sister? Would the doctor put his conclusions in writing?
I have every confidence you will get through this, but I am very, very sorry that you must deal with all of these awful stresses.
Hugs to you!