My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.
My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.
My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.
My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.
He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.
Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.
I would also suggest That you look at hiring someone to be with your Mom when your husband comes home so the two of you can share some quality time or even go out to dinner.
You also may want to join a support group.
I also agree with you about MC. It’s not for everyone. But I personally think it only works for few people because ‘ it’s out of sight and out of mind’ for them. I spoke to a number of people who worked in MC at different levels and it’s all not good. Nothing is better than having a private one on one caregiver at the comfort of your home. Prayers to you. I would keep your mom and your son. ❤️🙏
ps.. it’s also your house and space not just his (your husband).
hug!! peace to you too.
I would say:
"Those that say their parent is in a top of the line place are ignorant".
I understand you want your mom to be close to you, but you have to consider your marriage. I would never ask my husband to take care of my parents, especially after having to be a caregiver myself. It's a good thing that you aren't burnt out (I am BIG TIME) but your husband wanting his own space and house back is not a bad thing.
I do hope you can reach a solution that works for everyone. It is not an easy decision; I just know from my own experience that if my husband tried to force me to keep taking care of his mom while she got worse and worse, I would end up incredibly bitter.
It seems like there is a real choice for you to make because it doesn't sound like your husband is going to change his mind or let you of the hook here.
But "staying as we are" is no longer an option for your husband, and since this does involve his living situation and finances as well as yours, his needs have to be considered, too. He's been essentially financing your mother's care (and sharing his wife's attention and his home) for 5 years, and he can choose to stop doing that. As others have said, marriage counseling may help you two find a compromise that gives you both MOST (probably not all) of what you want. Are there outside-the-box options that sound weird but may make you happier? For example, a drastic one that comes to mind: could you get a second small apartment where you take care of your mother (or where your husband lives to have his own space, I suppose that would work too?)? It would be a separation of your family, yes, and expensive, yes, but less expensive probably than paying for a facility. Could this be offset by YOU being paid to be your mother's caregiver (some states do this?) It's just an example that would obviously have its own downsides (or be financially a non-starter), but I can't say what you and your family could make work.
Maybe there won't be any reasonable way to compromise, but maybe there will be. If there isn't...then yes, you might just have to accept that your husband is no longer willing to support you the way he has for the past 5 years, and figure out what to do next. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong - the fact is that sadly this is exactly the type of issue that can and does break families apart sometimes just because they don't agree on how to live.
From what you say, you know what you're getting into regarding how your mom's condition will deteriorate - so take care of yourself and think of your own future, as well. Your desire to care for your mom to the best of your abilities is admirable, but what you are describing is absolutely something that involves spending resources (financial, social, mental) that may not be replenished by the time you yourself need care.
As others have said, your first duty is to your husband. If the family living situation is making him uncomfortable, listen to him. It's his home first and he has expressed his need for privacy.
Find a good care facility for your mother. Visit her often. Take your son along. Call her when you can't visit. But, unless there are other issues that make you want to dissolve your marriage, don't insist on having your way in this matter.
if you are close to the nursing home they will contact you and you will be able to be there, also when the time is approaching you know. So if you do place your mum (it’s going to happen eventually-the aggression,wandering hiding poo everywhere- that’s NOT going to be a nice home for either your son or husband to live in) you will be able to visit immediately.
Its a very tough decision but you have to do what’s right for the family you created.
That is incorrect. My sister is in AL, memory wing with limited access to an enclosed courtyard because she wandered away. On the fourth time is when she was moved from her open access apartment to the memory care wing. So there are most definitely AL centers that cater to wanderers.
find a nice care home close to home so you and your son can visit whenever you wish.
Yes, paying all the bills and allowing their elderly, needy in-laws with dementia to move into the house means that person is exempt from having to help with their care needs.
Keeping a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, the lights and heat on so no one's starving while they sit the dark and freeze, and being fine with the other spouse contributing nothing financially is how ACaringDaughter's husband helped out with the caregiving needs of her parents.
The OP's mom is in her 60s, diagnosed with this awful disease for at least 5 years. She was probably displaying symptoms before since she lived with her husband and could not be left alone after he died.
Meaning that the OP was still quite young when her mother was found to have dementia.
Still, this is so much more a tragic a situation that it already appeared to be when you posted.
Please get your mom on every waiting list possible for the places you know of that are smaller census. Your mom has years and miracles do happen. I remember a bunch off years ago, a friends dad was in need of a place and a few phone calls later, he was in a "good" place in Bensonhurst.
As I'm sure you know, the easiest way to place is from hospital to rehab. Keep that in mind.
From a fellow Brooklyn-ite, ((((((hugs)))))))).
I'm curious, do you plan to homeschool your child? That would add a layer of complication, but maybe you are a ways off from that decision.
I can think of a few I knew who spent most days with their parent/s helping, or just hanging out. Or having Mother over to dinner every night.
Or maybe like the original Lucille Ball sitcom where she is always hanging out with her bestie & seems to have a stronger/better emotional relationship with her, then with her husband.
Not judging. Sometimes one relationship doesn't provide everything we need.
But if the OP really did have to choose which to live with, Husband or Mother, which would she choose? Not *should* & all that, but WANT.
I get he has a larger amount of say because he is able to provide for us, but it is not like I am unable or unwilling to work we just came to an agreement that me killing myself and the stress was not worth the pay. I love being a stay at home mom, but if I had to work I would work. Simple logistics he makes nearly three times as much as I did. I had no reason to work outside of the fact I wanted to, but yes the stress of the job was getting to me and I was taking baggage home with me. So we came to an agreement, if I had know he was going to try to use it as leverage I would have said nah.
>Would your Mom be upset if she thought you were jeopardizing your marriage because our are refusing to consider placement of her in a facility? Most parents want their children to live their soar and live their own lives.
> Would you be willing to take your in laws into your home also if the situation should the situation arise?
> Future time is not necessarily granted to us. There may or may not be time for you and your husband to make up what you are missing today. At your mother's current age and health she could easily live another 20 years. Your husband is twenty years older as are you and your child! You will see the world differently. Going to Disneyland when you are 60 is fun but it is difinitely different than going when you are 30. Different eyes, different capacities.
Just ideas and question for you to consider.
@MarageMcKen Yes, I have looked, no I have no seen every Medicaid NH in NY so I am sure I may have missed a few gems that is why I appreciate what Barb has done and will make the calls on Monday. I have reached out to my contacts we are trying to see if it is possible to get a Medicaid bed in one of the higher end MC facilities with smaller resident sizes as a favor.
My mom is 66, based off her health and activity outside of a major life altering event such as a fall, stroke, heart attack she easily could live to 90. Vitals are all normal, no hypertension, no diabetes, no high cholesterol, her diet is mostly plant based. She is extremely healthy, just suffers from memory related issues. Reason why getting hours through Medicaid has been rough. Her working memory is shot, but everything else is pooling from long term / muscle memory. I do not know what would be my breaking point, my husband is at his breaking point. He is a loving and considerate man, his words he is not much of the paternal type. I know very little about divorce, but I am not overly concerned if he does file for it I will cross that bridge. Most likely since we live in NYC it will be joint and I will just have to take care of mom and myself to a degree. Divorce just replaces the problems with a different set of problems. He is a logical person, I doubt he will do such a thing. It would require him to adjust his work schedule, might mean less pay. Man does enjoy his warhammer so doubt that will happen (expense hobby) he is wonderful awkward around our child it is adorable to see but man freaks outs at the tiniest of things. He would be a hot mess trying to watch our son alone, and I doubt he wants that.
Worse case I will cash out my 401k to buy myself some time to get back on my feet. In that case our son will have limited access to both parents so not exactly sure what people think divorce will solve outside of the shared space issue.
I love my family, I am doing the best I can within this terrible situation. This disease is not pleasant nor easy. By no means was I trying to downplay the efforts and lengths families go through when it comes to placing LO's but as I mentioned in the OP I am not ready. She is young, if she was older "maybe" I have a far easier time. We had an older gentlemen in the legal department for one of the places I worked. He told me something I would never forget. "When I was younger I was pro NH, now that I am older I am deathly afraid of them."
Sure it is an option, and I am sure diamonds exist, yes I am being overly ridge and unrealistic with my expectations. I am the same way with child care, I do not trust anyone else to do besides me. My standards of care differ from many, I know we are underpaid, overworked but that is the job and for whatever reason we made the choice to work this job. As such we should do everything in our power to go above and beyond to do the best possible job. Sure it is difficult, time consuming, and feels like we do not have enough hours in the day. My belief is all I can do is try and do the best I possibly can with the hand I was dealt.
I understand what I am saying may be seen as fear mongering, and once again by no means am I trying to sell short the wonderful places many have found. I will make a better effort to be more open minded.
It is just touring these places are depressing you pick up on all the short comings, and short cuts people take which are unsafe. When I see the NH riddled with patients in wheel chairs awaiting to be taken to rehab but since they are short staffed they are unable to get them down. When you hear the person calling to be changed but everyone is running around and 20 mins go by and the person still has no been changed. When someone walks up to you asking for a blanket or something to eat. I get into I wanna fix in mode and wish to help but I cannot.
You aren't really in the middle by thinking you have a right to not work because you want to do one on one with your child, let alone your mother. That's a complete privilege given to you by your husband, and you don't seem to be caring about compromise that could involve Mom not being with you.
You are literally choosing Mom over your marriage. If a bunch of Internet randos can get that, then so does your H. He won't be subsidizing your lifestyle if you can't compromise
1) You worked in a Medicaid NH which you thought was not good. How much effort have you put into finding a better one?
2) How old is M? What is her life expectancy? How much longer do you expect to keep her at home? What is YOUR sticking point for giving up? What is DH’s sticking point for getting out? How much do you know about divorce?
It’s interesting to see which posters push the same line over and over again, with fixed opinions not facts.
She knew that there was no one who could give up a career to care for her.
She got that all 3 of us were a united front and couldn't be manipulated.
We consulted with geriatrics docs and geriatric psychiatrists about her extreme anxiety and got it medicated judiciously. My mother was not "sedated". She was calm.
Even with extreme aphasia from a stroke she said to me one day, after we'd had her taken via medical transport to an appointment: "That was fine. I used to be so worried. I figured, what could happen?"
(This was a woman who was hysterical after she took a gifted Limo ride to her sister's home, 30 minutes away).
I guess I just don't get why people insist on sacrificing their careers, marriages and children to their parents when there ARE options available. Kind of like not taking advantage of insulin.
hugs!
seriously, these options aren't available everywhere in the world.
it's simply true: some parts of the world have bad facilities, some have good facilities.
even in the same city, you can have bad + good facilities.
there are varying degrees of good/bad facilities.
i happen to live somewhere, where - all - the facilities are awful.
(i'm not talking about my entire country)
(i mean, where i live)
so -- not everyone has these options.
fortunately, for my LOs, we can hire in-home care.
and in my particular case, even if the facilities would be wonderful, we'll keep my LOs home. my LOs are extremely happy waking up every day in their home.
if necessary, my LOs are willing to go to a facility. in our family, we all understand it can be necessary.
----
my point is just, that this "facility-option" is actually not always an option for everyone. depending on where you live, there might be absolutely - no - good facility. in such a case, if it's necessary to place your LO, then unfortunately they must go to a bad facility.
I think a forward-thinking spouse may see that he may get the same Exceptional TLC — if and when he needs it.
That kinda says it all.
I fail to see how such efforts will, furthermore, ameliorate the central crisis here.
Your husband is burned out. He might have thought that he'd be in this for a max two years, not five, and based on how you talk about her physical fitness, perhaps 10.
Five years is more than enough.
Move toward a care plan and milestones.
I've had two elders placed in public SNFs in NYC. Both were private-pay worthy. You bet it took tons of phone calls and string pulling for that to happen. You should start early, like now.
But you have to mean it.
If you do, then DH might give the situation more time. But if he thinks it's a stalling tactic, it's one more reason to get him to file. From there you can count on money for first your child, then maybe some for you, and absolutely none for his MIL. This is after you spend like six grand on lawyers.
Bottom line OP, the man feels like a derivative nanny-slave and he's paying for everything including your mother. He'll be under no such obligation should he leave, and this could leave you with spending down from your community assets money for lawyers and all this. He is going to leave unless you get on the same page with him.