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My husband lives with his elderly parents: father has arthritis, heart disease, and other issues but not dementia; mother is in late stages of Alzheimer's disease. Lately, during our infrequent conversations (my husband rarely initiates or responds to communications), my husband has described to me his mother's recent sharp decline. He has not taken her to the doctor. He has not called the doctor. He has not talked to his siblings. He and his father are doing everything on their own. From what my husband has said, I think my mother-in-law might be actively dying and I think the siblings should be told so that they can decide what, if anything, to do: visit; call; pray; whatever. I'd appreciate any thoughts about what, if anything, I should do. Thank you.

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Fear of having conflict with his father sounds like something that has gone on since his childhood.. Has his dad always been this dependent upon his son and so controlling? If so, he has stepped back into that family system from the past and is stuck there emotionally speaking. .How old is he?

To make any progress, your husband will need to leave his parents before any therapy plus meds would be effective, but even then it does not sound likely like he would go. Maybe, he will leave after your MIL passes.

Are there any of siblings that you feel close enough to call on the phone and talk about what is going on? I can't think of any other way to have someone from the outside to intervene in this crisis.
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Rose, please take care of yourself.
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Unfortunately, the chance of me persuading my husband to stick with therapy or with meds is about as high (or low) as anything else I encourage him to do.
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After your MIL passes, please suggest that your husband find himself a psychiatrist. He needs therapy and possibly medication. Someone else needs to care for Grandpa.
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Call the siblings yourself and let them know your concerns. Are you close enough with one of them that you could ask them to leave you out of it and just have them show up.
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My husband took the "job" of caring for his parents four years ago. It was intended to be a temporary position while he looked for other work. I anticipated that because of his passivity that he would not look for other work, and he has not. We are, in essence, separated, although not legally. My husband's father is highly dependent on him but also very controlling. I have several times suggested calling the doctor, calling the palliative care nurse, calling hospice, calling the aging and disability resource center, talking to the siblings. Among other things, my husband seems to fear having a conflict with his father (as might happen if he brings up the uncomfortable topic of dying) but he also is resentful and worn out and seems unable or unwilling to do more than the minimum as part of his caregiving job.
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Why is you husband living with his parents. Are you separated? You might suggest he call hospice to have her evaluated.
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