Jinx4740 Asked June 2016
My husband is starting to notice his dementia, but he wants to stay in denial. What can I do?
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First, really watch your surroundings good and close. That way, you always know who's around you and where they are. You mentioned coming out of a store and seeing this person coming, also will just use the past scenario to help you through any future ones that may come. If you come out of a store again in the future and see something like this again, turn around and run right back in the store and get a worker. If you can get the manager, do so. Don't go to your car until you're sure it's safe. If you see any panhandlers lurking around, Don't go to your car but rather to a populated area with other people. Definitely carry some pepper spray in case you're attacked. What I would suggest is also taking self-defense classes such as karate or jujitsu or any similar self-defense classes. That way, you'll know how to defend yourself if something happens.
If you ever are approached by a panhandler again, get very loud and draw attention, Especially if the person approaches you from behind. People don't usually mess with a mad person, if you have to, go mad on them and they should leave you alone. If you do this every time they approach you, they'll get the hint. I've had to come pretty close myself but under different circumstances, and I'm one of those kinds of people that most people know not to mess with because I will go mad and I will get crazy in order to protect myself. I guess you could call it a form of streetsmart if that's what you call it, but no one should mess with you if you know what to do
These tips are for you to follow because next panhandler may be worse than the last one for all we know. Not all panhandlers live in a group home, so this is one situation that turned out very well. I can't say all of them have proper placement because some of them are actually homeless. What I hope you do is to consider everything I suggested because you may one day find yourself in another situation dealing with another panhandler who may be far worse than the last one. This is where taking certain precautions is a very smart move. What you want to do now so that you're not taken advantage of again is to pay very close attention if there are any panhandlers anywhere you plan to be. If possible, try to avoid that area during the times the panhandlers are there. If you can't avoid the area for some reason or another, you can anonymously report the panhandling to the cops in such a clever way they should act to resolve the threat to other visitors to the area, especially perspective customers.
Special note:
It would be a very good idea to speak with other business people and express your concerns about the panhandlers because panhandlers can make people so uncomfortable that they won't want to do business in the area because they won't feel safe, and if customers don't feel safe, businesses will lose money because customers just won't come around when I don't feel safe. If there are too many complaints about the panhandlers, something will be done
By the time of the next appointment/outing - usually a week or so later, he forgot he could not manage the situation. He used to be good at finding places but now says he does not know how to get to the doctor's office nor how to get to his favorite restaurant. He was diagnosed with a cognitive impairment secondary to the stroke.
Now he has to be transported by wheelchair van which means he can not experience any fun activities the day of his appointment. He understands why the van ride. He forgets why no outing and insists he can walk and transfer himself.
After the stroke he denied he could not swallow food - so a non-solid diet. Meds were crushed/pulverized too. He's back to regular diet and pills. He I think denial keeps some spiritual or survival mechanism functioning. If your husband accepts what is happening now, he will also have to accept giving up or becoming disabled. Any activities you can still enjoy together is safer and more helpful. It gives him less time to dwell on his diminishing capacity. But you do need to walk a fine line as so much is at stake.
Depending on what maybe going on, has anyone thought of getting POA or even guardianship? That way the more power the caregiver has, the more likely they'll be able to make sure that proper changes are made to the person under their care. Guardianship give you all powers over the person's affairs, including finances. Guardianship will also give you the power to make decisions as in living arrangements and even medical decisions among many other things. It's kind of like taking care of a child except this particular task is an adult instead of a child, so you may almost say kind of like an adult child. I've seen guardianship be obtained over my foster dad despite him still being able to make some decisions. He would come and go mentally, but early stages of dementia may not even be noticeable or even recognizable to some outsiders who never even dealt with this kind of thing before. It's not until the person starts showing more obvious signs that those closest to them start noticing something is just not right. It takes the right kind of person to become a guardian, medical POA, or take any other kind of position over a person because not everyone is cut out for any of these because not everyone knows how to do them properly. The highest one is guardianship though, because it has the highest level of responsibility and you have to account for every dime of that person's money at sometime or another. It can be a very stressful job I'm sure.
Right now i'm helping an older friend of mine of many years to try and get some kind of income. I already got his medical and his food stamps for him. Even being an authorized rep has a level of responsibility and sometimes you learn along the way. The trickiest thing to do is to try to get him some income and get him on his feet. I don't know whether or not my friend will ever develop any kind of age-related mental decline, I hope he stays healthy to the end.
Anytime someone gets dementia though, it can be kind of aggravating at times when they tend to forget after being in there mentally, only to find they left mentally. No, my friend does not have dementia, but my foster dad did. It was hard until he obtained a guardian. I can't say I completely agree with the guardian on some things, but at least someone took over and took a huge load off. All we can do is remember the good times we had with someone who becomes demented. Reflection is sometimes key when times are hard. 😇
It is IMHO the host accompanying the person should understand the individual has Alzheimer's Disease, be aware of the danger, and treat the person with patience. Also,
Confabulation is common. The person will say things to people containing information that is blatantly false, tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and present situations. The added danger is the answers are coherent, internally consistent, and appear relatively normal.
Conversing with a LO who has Alzheimer's is often like talking with your cat. Acknowledge, respond, be affectionate, develop boundless patience. Forget about rational responses. Show respect, your therapeutic fictional responses are allowed. ~DLMifm
Too many people with AD have found themselves in exactly this situation after stepping out, only to wander the streets in hope of finding the ever-elusive home of their past. Others may be trying to escape imagined abusers or an unfamiliar person looking back at them from the mirror, but whatever the reason, leaving home also means leaving the safety and security that also resides there.
IMCO you can not keep the AD hidden
Its not a death sentence, but if you continue to denybanything is wrong you are taking away hisbquality of life.
My dad began the symptoms when he was in his 50s but we didnt realize at that time what was going on. This was way back when no one talked about it.
This is one reason why I educated myself when my mom showed signs of dementia. She is 90 and still is able to cope and exist socially.
Perhaps people could start their own area on panhandling, nicotine and other addictions.
As someone with dementia and acknowledging it, while dealing with someone with dementia who can't/won't acknowledge theirs or mine I'd like to follow the original topic.
As it is I'm tempted to skip this section now as I cringe at some of what I read, and I don't right now how the wherewithal to get into discussions that take time.
Bottling emotion never does any good, it will out somewhere, sometime.
I try not to think of what M is losing, and as my condition worsens what I will lose.
I try to concentrate on what we have right now and enjoy the tiny glimmers of who he was and enjoy the positive moments in now.
When I'm alone ( all the time I'm not at the hospital with him) I can let go the feelings and start again.