My husband is working in overseas and his work schedule is 20days work and 10days off every month. Our house is three hours flight away from his parents’ home. His two siblings are living nearby to his parent but none of them are hands on helping with their parents. My husband always fly back to his house to be with his parents and also wants me to live with my in-laws so he can meet me 10days every month. For me, I cannot waste my live taking care of bed ridden father in law, cleaning him and dressing his pressure sore. His younger sister always send her 2 year old daughter to me to babysit the child while she is working in an office. I am stay at home wife and we have no children. I told him I cannot serve his whole family as a slave while everyone of his family are taking advantage of me. He said he and I are a team and I should contribute to his difficult situation. I told him cooking three meals a day plus taking care of 2 year old (not my child) plus helping with bed ridden patient is not my life. We became distance and also not meeting very often due to his house situation. I think he has been very selfish. I do not want to give in to his request because I will have no life at all. I still love him but I want him to think about my side as well.
Try family helps family *within reasonable limits*.
Reasonable limits must be in place to protect against abuse of good will, free time & free labour. Without damage to wellbeing, without damage financially, within ability + scope of training.
Caregiving is a freely given GIFT, or resentment will build.
I would ask your Husband to really look hard at his request.
Some conversation points in case he is stuck;
#1. Why YOU?
Why is he wanting YOU to provide this care? Why not hire an aide, a wound care nurse, other home help?
#2. Team player.
He wants you to be a team player...? It appears he is acting as Team Captain & ordering what position you play.
Separate people.
A Wife's hands are not an extention of a Husband's body.
The Good Son.
Many fall into this line of thinking. I must be & appear to be 'The Good Son' & somehow they add on 'by providing the care myself' then add again 'spouse will do the dirty work.
See if any of that gets him thinking. If not..
No. That's it. No excuses. Just NO.
If I stooped to ranting, it may go like this..
Get over yourself man. Stop being such a Solo Hero & get a proper care team for your folks. Starting with a wound care nurse for that bedsore.
You may want to start a separate bank account at another bank. I have a feeling that you may need it in the future.
You ‘still’ love him, but the ‘still’ shows that it’s becoming more a thing of the past. Make it clear that you are not going to live with his parents. Perhaps call APS to visit his parents, to see if their current care (including for the bedsore) is adequate. Don’t get sucked into propping up his and their delusions of independence. Think about what is in your best interests NOW – perhaps a nice holiday for 20 days! Perhaps you visiting H on his OS posting would be a good way for you both to get closer. Getting a part-time job yourself could be a good move, if only to say that you can't move away. Find ways to put yourself first. At present you are seen as having lots of 'free time' for other people to make demands on. Until you focus more on yourself, you won’t see what’s really happening to your life, or what will work best in YOUR interests rather than theirs.
Tell DH that your are not trained to do this kind of care. His father needs to be placed where professionals can care for him. At least bring Hospice in. They will send a nurse to care for that bedsore. My daughter is a woundcare nurse and that sore needs to be looked after by a professional or an infection will set in and then sepsis.
I would find a job to protect yourself.
I'd consider getting a job. It will give you a reason not to care for FIL and also get you some extra cash and if your marriage does not work it will be an income stream for you.
Your husband is choosing to put his career, and parents before you and your marriage, and that my dear should be as concerning to you as it is to me.
I am sorry that your husband doesn't put you or your marriage first, and I can only guess that he probably never has and that you have tolerated it for far too long and now it's finally coming to a head.
So....it's only you that can decide what if any changes need to be made to improve your situation. And yes, that may include separating and even divorcing.
Hopefully your husband would be open to some marriage counseling before it had to come to that, but if not, you now must do what you feel is best to keep from being used and abused from your husband and his family.
You deserve better....don't forget that. And you are stronger than you know, and will be just fine if you have to start over and reclaim the one life you have to live.
God bless you.
You will also want a job in case this marriage falls apart .
This is not a team . It’s a family who have put you in servitude .
Your husband also said you “ should contribute to his difficult situation “. This is not his situation . It’s his parents situation where other options need to be considered that do not include you .
That you refer to his parents' house as "his house" rather than the one you live in is very telling. If 30 days out of the month you are not together, what sort of marriage can you possibly have? For myself, this would be a deal-breaker.
It may be time to consider that each of you wants more than the other can give and end this relationship so you can both find someone else more in tune with your individual needs.
You are an adult. Your life decisions are yours to make.
You have some choices to make.
I myself would have long ago been gone, alone with 1/2 the assets of the marriage. But you may wish, rather, to stay as you are.
Remember, nothing here will change. Certainly not your hubby. He's perfectly happy and why wouldn't he be?
So it's "the ball in your court" as we say in tennis.
I leave you to your decisions and wish you the very best of luck.
See All Answers