Hi, thank you in advance to those who will read this and offer advice. I am seeking guidance. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother. She is extremely codependent. She recently had her 6th divorce, and has looked to me for support. She is not sick. She in fact is very healthy, and needs no care for anything. She does not want to live alone, and says that after all she has done for me and her kids she can not believe we are not there for her. The issue is that for the last several years she has wanted to live with me, and although I have told her no, somehow I find I am sharing my home with her anyways. I have expressed to her that I want my own privacy, I want my own space to grow and flourish. I have expressed that it has nothing to do with her and that I just want to be on my own. None of these are acceptable, and turns into “I have provided for you my whole life and now that I don’t want to be alone you aren’t there for me”. It’s incredibly unfair. I wouldn’t really mind except she is so exhausting. Any little thing sets her off, so I am walking on eggshells constantly. She will holler, yell, put me down, etc over anything. If I have a night planned with my friends, forget about it. She is calling me because “she is cold and the heat isn’t working” or “she left her purse in my car” …… it’s always something. I ignore her and continue my night but it is annoying to deal with her tantrums after I have worked all week and just want to relax or spend time with my friends. I love her very much but I really need to get away. I am unsure how to do this without cutting her off. Although she is needier in old age, she has always been codependent and has always had a short temper with me. I even moved states and after a few months she followed me here. I have set firm boundaries however it turns into a guilt trip. I do not want her alone all day just existing but I do not want her invading my life. She refuses to get any friends, or do anything social. She tells me I just don’t understand that she only wants family and I will regret telling her she can’t be here when she dies (my dad is passed away - so this is always awful for me to hear her say). She in fact has even asked me if my dad were here would I tell him he can’t live with me. My answer is always yes, because I need my space as an adult. My siblings are 20 years older than me, and one has cut off contact with her. The other two do not want her living with them. She does not guilt trip them. I have no kids and I am not married. I do not blame her for not wanting to be alone but I really would like my own life. I have no idea how to handle this situation and am looking for guidance. Can someone who has longer life experience than me please guide me here? Thank you.
I did not realize she could have a possible mental disorder, and will certainly look into that.
those saying I need firm boundaries, or any, you are correct. Thank you for your honesty. It can be very hard, especially when she is upset and my first instinct is to fix it. But it is not my responsibility. I am going to find a counselor who specializes in codependency.
I really thought some of you would say I was ungrateful, or as a parent you understand. However it was really mind opening to see the same response from strangers more than once.
again thank you all much and I will run with these recommendations.
Breaking away from someone like that, particularly a parent is extremely hard. You will need a good counselor to help you set firm boundaries. My advice is to find someone experienced in enmeshment, codependency so you can break this pattern, and possibly bpd so you know what you're dealing with. I'm not a psychiatrist so obviously can't diagnose, just looking at the behaviors.
Her behavior is not going to change, so it's about how you respond. You are fortunate in that physical issues with her haven't manifested yet. Hopefully you can tell her she needs to get a place of her own soon. You will need a good counselor to help you role play and navigate that conversation with minimal damage to your psyche and stay firm.
You are deserving of an independent life outside of your mom's. I wish you the best, it's not going to be easy but it's necessary. If she won't accept it and keeps literally stalking you (following you when you moved!) you may need to cut her off. If she wants to be alone all day and just exist you can't fix that.
She is young, my mother is 99 soon to be a 100, she could live another 30 years, then what? Your life will be destroyed, follow your older sibling's lead.
Sending support your way!
You need help about your SELF.
Mom isn't going to change; This works perfectly well for her, so why would she change it?
As you tell us directly, "she has always been this way".
So what's new?
And you apparently have also always been the way you are?
Some here will recommend the book Boundaries to you. I am afraid if you haven't handled this by the grown up age of 32, that book isn't going to be the answer, either.
This isn't really a problem involving your mother, as she is who she is and will always be that. This is a problem involving YOU and I would suggest that you handle it with an excellent therapist. I do not mean one of those silly online things. I mean a good therapist who does more than listens, one who shakes you up and breaks you out of habitual ways of reacting that have been formed over three decades. Going to take lots of work and no little consternation on your part, but it is well worth it to break out of your self-inflicted prison of behavior in reaction to a difficult woman.
Remember, no one can "guilt trip you". You have to do that all by yourself, and TO yourself. You didn't cause your mother's emotional damage and borderline personality and you won't be fixing it. She's 70. Quite honestly likely a bit too late for therapy for HER. She's basically had her life, created it as it is. I am hoping you can avoid that, but that will have to be your choice. You are a grownup. No one can make this choice but you by yourself and for yourself if you CHOOSE to.
I hope for your own sake you will get help. I wish you the best.
The best life advice I ever got was from my best friend who said, “ Love them from afar.” In this case she was referring to a recent ex I was crying about, but it applies to anyone who we love even when it is not good for us. Love can’t always be turned off, even when it’s unreasonable, but this advice has proved to be so doable. I’ve used it a couple of times for sure.
You can still love your mom, but like everyone says here, time to create some distance and build your own life. She won’t change unless she chooses to do it herself, her happiness should not be your impossible burden. Love her from afar.
Tell her you are busy getting married or maybe divorced, you aren’t sure right now but she must remember how stressful that all was and you will get back with her in a year or two unless you are getting married or divorced. A bit difficult to keep up with…especially for the older children.
KBell, you will have to set boundaries.
You have received good advice. I second finding a therapist who can help you sort this out. I second the comment about enmeshment and possible borderline personality disorder in your mom.
This sentence stands out for me: “she has wanted to live with me, and although I have told her no, somehow I find I am sharing my home with her anyways.”
That “Somehow” is you allowing her to impose herself on you. Allowing her needs or desires to override yours. That was a major case of you not enforcing boundaries. It’s likely a pattern you have had with her most or all of your life that she created. Whenever you have that feeling of “no I don’t want that” - that is what you need to listen to and act on rather than “somehow” giving in to what she insists she needs and you must give her.
It can seem impossible at first. But you can do it. And it’s going to be easier to do it now while she is still healthy and has no major physical challenges.
Good luck!!
“ I do not want her alone all day just existing but I do not want her invading my life .”
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness . She is choosing to be alone . She is the one refusing to socialize or make friends with others her own age .
Tell Mom she has to move out . If she refuses to move out , go to an attorney and start the eviction process.
You allowed your mother to move in and tried to set boundaries but your mother ignores them . Time to tell Mom that living together is not working and that you want to live alone . Cutting off contact ( at least temporarily if not permanent ) after she moves out may be necessary if she continues to berate , guilt trip , and tries to trample your boundaries .
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