I took my mom, who is in ALMC, to see my dad, who is in a SNF. He said he wants to come home. I know physically he isn’t able to come home. He has Parkinson’s and is on hospice. He is barely able to even stay up in the wheelchair very long until he’s ready to go back to bed. I asked him how could we manage getting him up, changing his diapers, giving him sponge baths, etc. and he said I’ll take care of that. I can get the nurse who used to come to come again. That is exactly why he had to go into a nursing facility because my mom wouldn’t let anyone help him. All the above, as well as we’re not financially able to pay for 24/7 nursing care. My heart is breaking and am so tempted to bring him home regardless. How do I cope with the guilt?
By your description, you know how physically challenging caring for your dad can be. That's the rational side of your brain.
The other side is completely governed by emotions-guilt included and is being a bit irrational right now. This is the area of the brain that reacts emotionally. You are making decisions on guilt because you "feel" bad and that rarely makes for a good decision.
You could try talking to a therapist if you have the mental health coverage. They can guide you out of making big decisions only on feelings. Also setting boundaries and getting over FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
I don't think giving into guilt, moving him home with you then feeling guilty that you have bitten off more than you can chew because you can't do it anymore, will be a healthy scenario.
You have provided a safe environment for him. Tell yourself you aren't responsible for his happiness. You have done your best but you can't give in to every whim just because you want to please him and rid yourself of guilt.
Remember all the candy at the checkout aisle in the grocery store when you were a kid? Do you remember how often your mom or dad let you get one of those candy bars and let you eat the whole thing? Hardly ever.
There are times we have to turn the table and do that with our folks.
I just said this over and over to myself;
"I'm doing this for your own good. I've done everything I could for you and you're in the best situation I could provide for you."
Stay strong.
Because of that weather, I was not responsible for the care of my precious 2 year old grandchild, who was born with a moderately severe orthopedic disability. I care for him every other week, and my heart was broken to have to tell my CLO that I wouldn’t be able to take care of them both.
SO, THE GUILT. I love both of these dear people SO MUCH, and THEY love EACH OTHER! I could ONLY say that I couldn’t deal with both at the same time after trying to figure out EVERY possibility that I COULD do it, and finding that OBJECTIVELY, I couldn’t.
You have investigated every possibility to have your dad at home OP, and have determined that bringing home would not be a good choice for his welfare or for yours. As much as you long, as I did too, to make a haven for him with you, that is not possible. Guilt is a good tool when it leads to a good result. Guilt that causes suffering for things that can’t be steals time from making things better where he is.
If your mom can’t enter the solution, and your dad can’t, and 24/7 care can’t be provided, perhaps your mom CAN come up with some ways to make his life in residential care more acceptable to them both.
I do understand where you are, and grieve with you. This life problem is one of making the best choice from a bunch of bad choices, then finding a way to live with what you’ve chosen.
Many of us are in sympathy with you.
Don’t give in to guilt. We all want to do more than we can. Frequently there are others who want to offer an opinion, but won’t back it up with work or money.
Make the best of the situation. Be appreciative to the care givers in the facility. Spend time with your dad when the two of you can just be together without you struggling to lift him etc.
We all second guess our decisions even when we are doing the best we can.
When he asks to go home gently change the subject. It is not a valid possibility.
Be strong and don’t give into guilt.
I cant cope with an aging parent either. it gets tough - and then I do my best to just keep going. take a deep breath and maybe unwind with a nap. or do some strenuous chore back at home. just nod your head in agreement to your dad, and tell him "I understand" but remind him he is under a doctors care and you feel better knowing he is ok where he is.
Spend as much time as you can with your dad. Let him know how much he is loved.
i also say keep him in your prayers. Remember how your dad was.
but I feel your pain and I don't know how to resolve mine:(
So if living with you would be the above then he should be in a place with continual care available and you can visit him regularly to oversee the treatment he is getting and enjoy each visit.
it seems that having him get best care possible wherever that is would be your choice.
Your guilt feeling is wasting your energy that would be better spent helping them so what I wish for you is that you look at why you feel guilty about something you have no control of right now - your asking here was the right first step in realizing that the guilt you feel is not helping you or your parents -
Some people feel guilty also by habit so look at yourself closely to see if you are one of them [do you feel guilty when you see a policeman even though you have done nothing wrong?] - habits are easier to break once they are seen for what they are
Try to look beyond those feelings & realize that while your dad's wishes are important but he is only 1 person of many in the family - you can't do everything people wish for otherwise we all would just wish for good health & that would be the end of it - but we live in a world where at times not only the hard choices must be made but finding the balance so that the most individuals are maximized [for their own safety at times] is a hard thing to do