So my father in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and a month later my mother in law passed away, leaving me as his nearly sole caregiver. I am told how much I am appreciated however is it wrong to think that I should occasionally be pampered?
I know I am not alone in this situation that there are many people who do this same thing. But this is my 24/7. I watch him on cameras when I am not here (we have cameras in every room) this ensures he can live alone except as he heals for the past 8 weeks I have lived with him. I get him up in the morning do his personal hygiene clean and change foley bags and site change pull ups clean up after accidents shower him do his meds take him to dr appointments take him on outings do his house chores cook his meals literally everything. And of course I am the one he takes his anger out on. I get that. His daughter comes out sometimes once a month but has had about 6 months between visits no kids at home and divorced and lives 30 miles away. Yep tons of help there. Didn’t even make it out for Christmas. His siblings tell me how grateful they are for all I do. As does my husband and my kids. But is it really unreasonable to think that maybe someone would show me? I don’t want to sound needy or unreasonable but sometimes I feel a bit used and I don’t like that feeling. And since living in for the past 8 weeks I am really beginning to have some emotional issues now what? Maybe just saying it will help. Don’t feel real comfortable saying it out loud hear. No pity party really needed I don’t think it helps anything. Thanks for listening
Quit being used. As of March 1 or whenever that eight weeks is, is when you go back to being like the siblings and possibly your Mister. If it's so important to them, then they can uproot their jobs and their lives to take care of him, which they won't. Otherwise he goes into a home.
Long term care of a dementia patient by one untrained, older caregiver is unsustainable.
It woukdn't be "complaining" to ask "what's the plan for dad, going forward?".
Just ask. And make sure they know that YOU aren't the plan.
So now YOU are the live-in slave caregiver for your FIL for 8 months now? He takes out his anger on you?
How did you fall into this caregiving trap? How old are you? How old is your FIL? Did you have a job before you became the caregiver slave?
What is your FIL's financial situation? Who has POA? HCPOA? How many siblings does your H have? Why were you the chosen one? (I hope you won't say that you volunteered, but did you????)
Is this being done to preserve the inheritance?
Do you see how much of a doormat you are?
You are right and it does sound like the FIL needs nursing home care. The poster is only eight weeks in. They shoudl start searching out placement for him now.
Mmm. "Once more with feeling" methinks.
They can show a real appreciation of the workload you have borne and continue to bear by:
- buying respite hours - so many hours per week of paid professional help during which FIL is off your hands
- buying respite stays - a week or two every three months or so, when FIL stays in a facility that offers this service specifically (which means they'll be good at it and won't mess him up) and you get away for a proper rest
- a schedule of visits and practical help that they can work out amongst themselves - good for FIL's socialisation, good for their understanding of where he's at in his journey, and good for letting you feel less isolated.
And even, if this appeals to you, plain money. They do say after all that this is the sincerest form of flattery.
I say sabbatical (leave of absence, etc) so that it may take out some of the "sting" of actually quitting. During your long sabbatical (I'm talking a year) they will have figured out his care and then you can formally quit (but do not step back in to rescue them at any time or you'll be right back to where you are now: impending burnout). Plus that would make you an Enabler.
From what you've posted it seems you are a people-pleaser, appeaser, a I-won't-rock-the-boat person, a I'll-do-anything-so-they-like-me person: aka a doormat. Only you can stop others from treating you like a doormat. Even your husband apparently likes the doormat you. As long as you're the only (and very convenient and docile) solution they won't bother finding any other.
The way to gain their true respect and appreciation is to stand up strongly for yourself. What are you afraid to lose? Right now you have very little. Absence will make their hearts grow fonder. Maybe they'll be upset when you first tell them about your leave of absence, but who cares? If you stay and enter full burnout mode *no one* will be there to rescue YOU. YOU must rescue (and defend) YOU. I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move onward and upward.
And if no one does, you still go away and let the remaining family figure out his care, as you deserve time just for yourself, because being a full-time caregiver is the hardest job there is.
And don't worry, someone will step up eventually, and then when you get back you make sure that the family gets a plan in place for his care, using his money. And if money is an issue then he can apply for Medicaid.
You are on a very slippery slope and if you're not careful you will slide right off the edge to a not very pretty place, so please take care of yourself. You do matter!
You are not being unreasonable or acting needy and you are most certainly are being used. Believe me, the longer you stay as Alzheimer's FIL caregiver the being used feelings will increase by a thousand as the care needs increase with more responsibilities and demands from the family get heaped upon you. Just wait until they start offering advice on how you could be better doing your "job". That's next.
Don't count on a moment of help from the family. You have been made the Designated Caregiver and they know it. You are the care plan and will remain so indefinitely if you allow it to continue. The family will be very careful to make themselves unavailable. They don't want to get caught in the caregiving net and have to help out and trust me they won't get caught in it. You're the one caught in it.
It's only been eight weeks, so call a family meeting. Let everyone know that you will not be FIL's caregiver and another arrangement will have to be made. You will also have to move out of the residence. If you're there, you're the caregiver. So pack up and go.
Please don't let yourself become enslaved for years at a time like so many of us here.
please listen to burnt.
"The family will be very careful to make themselves unavailable."
"They don't want to get caught in the caregiving net and have to help out and trust me they won't get caught in it. You're the one caught in it."
"Please don't let yourself become enslaved for years at a time like so many of us here."