So my father in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and a month later my mother in law passed away, leaving me as his nearly sole caregiver. I am told how much I am appreciated however is it wrong to think that I should occasionally be pampered?
I know I am not alone in this situation that there are many people who do this same thing. But this is my 24/7. I watch him on cameras when I am not here (we have cameras in every room) this ensures he can live alone except as he heals for the past 8 weeks I have lived with him. I get him up in the morning do his personal hygiene clean and change foley bags and site change pull ups clean up after accidents shower him do his meds take him to dr appointments take him on outings do his house chores cook his meals literally everything. And of course I am the one he takes his anger out on. I get that. His daughter comes out sometimes once a month but has had about 6 months between visits no kids at home and divorced and lives 30 miles away. Yep tons of help there. Didn’t even make it out for Christmas. His siblings tell me how grateful they are for all I do. As does my husband and my kids. But is it really unreasonable to think that maybe someone would show me? I don’t want to sound needy or unreasonable but sometimes I feel a bit used and I don’t like that feeling. And since living in for the past 8 weeks I am really beginning to have some emotional issues now what? Maybe just saying it will help. Don’t feel real comfortable saying it out loud hear. No pity party really needed I don’t think it helps anything. Thanks for listening
If they do not want to then do it yourself. See if there is a bed and breakfast where you can go for a few days. Leave your phone off the whole time.
Maybe when you are not there they will appreciate you more.
As well, make a list of what needs to be done every day.
Then give them an option of they would prefer # 1 to come and help out every week
#2 if they would prefer to pay you for your services
# 3 if they would prefer to pay someone to do these tasks.
There is no option # 4.
I have finally put my foot down with my mom. I was doing all the work and got nothing to show for it but abuse. The rest of the family got money every month and did nothing.
That has changed now.
As well I make time for myself with daily walks in a nearby nature reserve with a Bible. You would be amazed how much stress dissapears after spending an hour with Jesus by a stream. Do not be afraid of letting it all out on Him. He can take it and He understands. Do not forget He had to deal with some real nutbars for disciples, had to deal with the establishment and His family mocked Him and disowned Him.
Gods peace be with you child.
Resign. Today.
You're not in need of a 'pity party'. You're in need of a wake up call that you're being taken advantage of in a HUGE way here. Put a stop to it at once.
"You" are NOT the 'only answer' to this man's needs! Not for one second! There are paid caregivers to come into his home. There are his own children to care for him. There are Memory Care ALFs he can move into tomorrow who have entire STAFFS of caregivers working in 24 hour SHIFTs to accomplish what you alone are trying to do. Yes, there are other alternatives available for your FIL.
Good luck!
Stop doing all you do.
And I have to ask about part of your post...
He can live alone EXCEPT for the past 8 weeks as he heals....
What happened 8 or 9 weeks ago that he is healing?
Personal opinion is that someone with dementia that needs help with
Cleaning up after accidents
Personal hygiene
changing foley bags
Showering
Cooking meals
Doing household chores
Should not be living alone. (well I guess he really is not living alone since to do all that you must be there 99.9% of the time)
If you hired someone NO caregiver would legally be allowed to care for someone 24/7.
Your FIL can pay to have caregivers some in and do what you have been doing.
What you and the rest of the family are doing is propping him up making believe that he can live alone.
Your priority is and should be your immediate family your kids, yourself and your husband.
I have to ask why is your husband, the son not the one staying with his dad for the past 8 weeks doing what you have been doing. This should be his responsibility.
Or
Why did your FIL not go to rehab if he was not able to care for himself?
This situation is not going to get better.
With dementia there is a decline.
At what point are you going to permanently move out of your house to care for your FIL?
One of the things that caregivers need to learn are BOUNDARIES. Set them and stick to them.
Is FIL a Veteran? If so contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and let them help determine what benefits he is entitled to.