I am the full-time caretaker for both of my parents. My dad’s aunt passed away about two years ago and left my dad as executor of her will. She has a considerable amount of money for taking care of her, and my father also has a considerable amount of money, but every time we try to discuss his final wishes with him, all he will tell us is when the time comes we will know what he wants. We do not have names or numbers of the people who would have this information. He still has a very sharp mind but his hearing is almost gone and he will not get hearing aids. What are my options?
You say his mind is "sharp" but him not getting hearing aids may not be just "stubbornness" but the beginnings of dementia. If you are not his PoA then I would not continue to provide care unless and until he creates this important document that will ALLOW you to provide him and your mom the best care legally possible. Where is your mom is all of this? What's her condition?
I'm an only child who lives next to her single mom (age 92). I'm her PoA. She was starting to show signs of hearing loss and kept denying she had a problem. I told her I was NOT going to be her advocate and caregiver if I had to scream everything at her. I told her that if she's so sure of her "perfect" hearing then let's get it tested and if I'm wrong, I'll pay for any and all testing so it would cost her nothing. If she was wrong, then she agrees to get and wear the hearing aids. Even after the audiology test showing her failed hearing it took her quite a while to "get over" having to need hearing aids in both ears. But we went to Costco and had a great experience. If you aren't a member it is worth signing up just for the testing and high quality, lower cost hearing aids. A deaf senior with dementia is a total nightmare.
Don't let your parents "drive the bus" right of the cliff with you as a passenger. You're their caregiver. You need to take contol of the bus for everyone's sake. But if you continue to be their enabler and only solution, nothing will change and you'll find yourself in a huge mess. Just read other posts on this forum about elderly parents being catphished and losing all their money, and other catastrophes.
YOU have a serious health issue. It may turn out that, no matter what, you SHOULD NOT be their caregiver. You have an illness that won't be helped by the stressful responsibilities of caregiving 2 people (even cooperative people!). Time to make some decisions in order to improve (and prolong) your own life. If something happens to you before something happens to them... then what? May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart in order to help yourself first.
Sit down, hold their hands and try to maintain eye contact. Speak slowly and compassionately and word it I want to right by you.
Sometimes the elderly will interject these things, like Mom did during a tv show commercial. I have to be able to pick up on things. Also, if they have a burial policy the amount of $$$ they think they have is a lot but in today's economy, not really.
We're Irish...old school, mass of Christian burial. The casket I plan on buying from Costco (Mother's casket). The funeral home has to accept this. If you're buried on a Saturday, it's more $$$. Mid-week, dad has a grave. No flowers but donations to a soup kitchen. Mom doesn't want a wake.
Don't take verbal as a given. For example, 2 people in my family were "supposed to" receive money once they care for a loved one and they pass. Neither panned out. Another one said, when I die you get the house. Nothing in writing. You have a paper trail for everything to discuss medical, dental, you name it. If not everything gets tied up in probate. I would meet with an Elder Attorney yesterday. You know this doesn't sound right, that's why you're writing. Line up your ducks, you don't any surprises. "Well, I thought, he said...."
Amen...
You should be compensated for being the fulltime caregiver for your parents. Do you get paid now? What is your parents' financial situation? Your father inherited a "considerable amount of money" from his sister?
Do you have siblings? Is there other family? How will you feel if it all gets divvied up equally upon your parents' deaths? Or, even worse, that YOU are cut out entirely? It happens!
"He will tell us when the time comes" So you don't know anything about a will?
This is not right. You shouldn't be taking care of him if you do not have this information.