Hello! I hope someone can give me some advice or support... I think I'm experiencing caregiver's syndrome, I'm often exhausted and feel resentment towards my dad and guilt for feeling like that.
My mom passed away in February 2023, from cancer. She and my dad were basically soulmates, loved each other deeply and did everything together. We've always been super close as a family and we're still in the early stages of grief.
My sister is very focused on her work and isn't around much, even though she loves my dad and worries. I have a freelance job so I have more freedom to manage my time, which means I am the one who spends more time with my dad. I have lunch with him Monday through Friday and most days I work at his house, so he won't feel lonely. But on weekends I feel like I need to spend time by myself, with my partner, my friends. But I feel so guilty because when I'm not there, my dad is alone.
He is not social at all, doesn't have many hobbies, doesn't believe in therapy and since my mom died he stopped living. He's just surviving. And I feel like he relies completely on me to keep him company. I love him so much and I want to help but sometimes I get sick of it all because I can't even grieve properly, I'm always worried about him and I resent him for not trying to find ways to cope, to distract himself. I know he's suffering and being alone is horrible, but at least on the weekends I wish he could find some peace without needing company all the time.
Can anyone relate to this, or am I being an absolute idiot?
You are a caring daughter.
I think you feel resentful because you are trying to live someone else's life for them. It's very hard to care more about someone than they care about themselves.
Yes your dad is alone now. He lost his life partner; it's now up to HIM, not your or your sister, to figure out how to proceed with his life.
People who become widows and widowers "move on" in different ways. Some grieve permanently and deeply. Some die soon after their loved one's death. Some remarry. Some adjust to being alone and get on with their lives, enjoying activities with friends.
You talk about "being alone" as though it's an illness. It's something that your dad is going to need to face and cope with. Or he's going to have to figure out how NOT to be alone.
You can't do this work for him. My advice is to go back to your normal routine. Have a lunch date once a week and GO OUT, even if it's just to the local fast food place. Being around other people will be good for you both.
Do your grief work as you see fit. Leave dad to do his. (((Hugs))).
I know I can't carry him through life and he has to navigate his grief on his own, but sometimes it's almost unbearable to see how much he's hurting.
I pray that time will help, somehow.
You may be preventing both of you from going through a grieving process that you both need.
You are with him BY CHOICE Monday through Friday. Why?
Does he need care/help all day long?
You say you feel he relies on you to keep him company. Does he want someone with him all that time?
What are you doing for him Monday through Friday that he can not do himself?
Back off.
He does not need to "find ways to cope, distract himself" because you are doing that for him.
Let him find his way as a Widower. Can you contact a few of his friends and ask them to stop by for a visit?
What did he do for a living? There are places that need Volunteers or Mentors could he help out in any area?
There are Adult Day programs tell him they need "help" and he may find that he likes participating.
Starting in February cut back on your Daily visits. "Dad a meeting came up and I can't come by for lunch today." "Dad, I have a 3 day job so I won't be able to come by next week, are you going to be ok? Is there anything you need?"
So I try to work there to give him that sense of company, if that makes sense.
Thank you for replying and for your advice, it means a lot 🙏
My dad went to a neurologist on January 9th and started taking Cipralex. I haven't noticed any changes so far, but I know it takes time.
You are right, a lot of times I feel like I'm trying to through everything so he won't have to, because I know how painful it is. It's almost like I'm the mother and he's the child. I know I can't protect him or prevent him from feeling pain, that needs to change.
Thank you again.
I will say one thing that home caregivers don't seem to get. An elderly person needs to interact with people their own age, not only their children, as the many decades in between their ages also limits their emotional platform.
You have become his crutch, you are not allowing him to move on by being there all the time, if you would pull back and thereby push him into reaching out to other organizations, clubs whatever it would help,
Stop going everyday, research what is available in his area for Senior activities, print out the information lead him in that direction.
If you continue to do what you are doing he will not reach out to others, not my rules just how it works.
There is also the Independant Living option, he will be with people his own age, have activities to attend, share lunch with others and so much more.
You are developing a prison with invisible bars for the both of you, definitely not a healthy situation.
I wish you the best!
Guilt infers responsibility.
You didn't cause your mother's death and you can't fix it.
Therefore, guilt is entirely inappropriate to this situation.
Because words matter very much I encourage you to change out your G-words. The proper word is grief, and you and your Dad are both suffering from it.
There is nothing you can do about grief but walk into it and through it in your own way, trying always to celebrate the love and memories that are there and will never leave you.
Now that guilt is put to rest let's get rid of your feeling that suddenly you are your dad's parent, friend, reason for being, answer to life.
You aren't. You are his daughter and you have a life and you are also grieving and in need.
Worse, you are preventing your father's moving forward, if to move forward is in fact his choice.
Repeat those words: "HIS CHOICE".
As you continue to do what you are doing you will try to replace your mom with yourself. Wrong. You HAVE a life and a family and a job and THAT is your life.
You are clearly smart and loving, but you cannot be all things to all people and you cannot fill all gaps that yawn open in the world of those you love.
As you continue what you are doing you prevent your father moving forward, into and through his grief and on with the rest of his life.
It isn't up to you how your Dad spends his last years. It is up to your FATHER. He hasn't become a being with no thoughts, feelings, plans just because his wife is gone. But he may be ready, willing and waiting to go. Whichever is the case, speak with him on a ONCE A WEEK LUNCH about all this, about his hopes, plans, goals. And don't negate what he says. If he says "I am done, exhausted with life, just waiting to go, " then HONOR his TRUTH and tell him yours which MAY BE "Dad, I can understand that in this time of loss. And I won't ever be ready to lose you, so I hope you stay a while. Know that I love you and if I can help let me know how. " Then help him explore online support groups or support group in your area for those who are grieving.
You are an adult. If you need help now to work through all of this, then please get it, but don't compound your father's current grief by making him a dependent baby. That isn't what he is. And don't take on grief. Leave it for felons who do malice aforethought and take joy in the pain of others.
I know this sounds tough. But please think about some of the things I say. Your parents were very lucky. I am 81. I may soon be leaving my children. It would SHATTER ME to think that this is what they felt upon my exit. I would hope they would celebrate instead what has been a long and happy life, and would move on taking great joy in our world and seeing it for me through their own loving and happy eyes.
I needed to read your words. Over and over again.
You are so right, I have to be his daughter, not his mother or life companion. I need to put myself in my place and realize that I can love my dad and be there for him without giving up my life entirely.
Thank you.
It's a participation website a widower started 25 years ago, after loosing his wife. It's a basic internet forum he can join, to communicate with others in the same sad situation of loss. Everyone is very supportive of each other. Lots of great discussions, advice and support. He would fit like a glove. The member age range is from 30s to 80s. Whoever has lost a spouse, or significant other is welcome to join "the club nobody ever wanted to join." All share their experiences and their own stories. I could have never made it without that website.
If those are true, and if he's not eating well unless you're there, I would give his doctor a head's up. Send a letter outlining your concerns. If you aren't on Dad's medical paperwork as having access to his medical information, the doctor can give any information, but he can certainly receive information.
It's not unusual for a long time partner to grieve a loss for a year or more, but depression can be treated. Meds can lift his mood a bit so that he gets interested in living again.
In a way you are doing him a disservice because he needs to learn to rely on himself more and he can't if you are there as much as you are.
It is difficult to care more about your father's life than he seems to right now. He is suffering from depression. I would suggest to him that an antidepressant might help him get through this period in his life.
I hope things get better for both of you.
He started taking cipralex this month, but I haven't noticed any changes yet... It does take time though, I know.
You aren't responsible for your Dad's happiness. You aren't his entertainment committee. The more you insert yourself the less he can do it himself, in his own timeline, in his own way.
Without telling him anything overtly, just start backing off spending time with him and having lunch with him one day at a time over a period of time (like weeks). You can keep suggesting ideas and resources to him, and keep assuring him that you love him and are there for him, but he's an adult man and should be doing self-care.
Your own partner and life have priority over your Dad's. This is the proper, healthy order and doesn't mean you don't love him. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom... may you receive peace in your heart as your family works through this hard loss.
Yea, I know I can't grieve for him or be his crutch... I'm my own worst enemy at this point, when I try to back off even a little bit, I hear a voice in my head saying "you're abandoning your own father".
My dad is a bit of shut in, he doesn't really have friends to spend time with (it was always him and my mom) and hates the idea of joining groups or anything of that kind. And I need to realize that even though I love him, I have to live my life instead of erasing myself to be able to comfort him.