His wife suggested my dad use the bathroom in his depends. He falls consistenly when in her care. His care has been neglected and as a result, I need some advise and direction how to assist my dad. He is not admitting to any neglect or abuse but his wife is sneaky, deceptive and hasn't informed us of his health condition until we came over one day after he'd fallen and she needed the help of my brother and I to assist with helping my dad off the floor.
I think you could play your part by making regular phone calls to ask how things are going and ask if you could be of any assistance - what could you do to ease her burden?
I am sure she would feel less frustrated with your dad knowing you were on her side and being someone she could talk to/vent in times of need. You may find all the information you seek... and more.
I can’t imagine not telling my daughters what was going on with their dad. I’m so sorry that she hasn’t kept you up to date on his current situation.
It seems like she would, knowing that you are very concerned about him.
If she needs help in caregiving, she shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help from outside sources. That would be the very first thing I would do for my husband. He is the love of my life. I would never keep my daughters in the dark about their dad’s situation.
Politely tell her that while she may be trying her best, she may not be up to caring for him all by herself. Collecting information about resources available to help him would be a great help to her. Getting proper help for him should be her number one priority.
Don’t feel badly if you are not available to do the caregiving yourself. I am sure that you know how difficult of a job it would be and very often it is best for professional caregivers to do.
I noticed that you said that your stepmom is sneaky. It seems like you have certain reasons for not trusting her, which is a shame.
All families have there issues. No one has a perfect family. Sometimes it takes time to sort things out. Sadly, some people don’t want to put their differences aside and do what is best for everyone.
I truly hope things work out for you, your stepmom and most of all your dear dad who is in need of care.
Take care and keep us posted. We care. This forum is about supporting those who have the best interests of their loved ones in their hearts.
You can visit as his children, not caregivers. You can thoughtfully inquire about your dad. It is her responsibility to provide care for her husband. It’s not an easy job by any means.
I will never ask my children to care for me or my husband when it’s needed. I wouldn’t open the door to being a caregiver by offering to help on a regular basis.
It’s easy for people to believe that the adult children should automatically care for mom and dad but unless they have had a parent living in their home or gone to live in a parent’s home, they don’t have a clue as to how hard it is. Some children find it difficult under any circumstances, it’s hard to deal with falls, bathroom, changing underwear and so on.
I did care for my mom in my home for many years so I know how tough it is. I would not do it again. It’s physically and emotionally exhausting.
Why don’t you collect brochures, gather all information for caregivers from agencies or private hire, assisted living and nursing homes in your area to pass along to your stepmom. You can call Council on Aging and a social worker to get guidance also.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
If you answered no to those questions, then perhaps it's time to step up and offer some assistance, as caring for someone with dementia and the related issues that follow, is very difficult to say the least.
My husband had vascular dementia, and he fell all the time, as that is one of the tell tale signs of VD. There was a period of time that I had to call 911 9 times in a 2 month period, so they could come pick my husband off the floor. And I was here with him 24/7, so before you think the worst of your dads wife, perhaps you need to instead get a look at the big picture, and try and give your help on a regular basis.
Do any of you help them or help her to take care of your dad?
Please step up and offer a helping hand to the situation. Maybe you could clean the cluttered house or watch your dad for 6 hours a couple times a week to give your stepmom a break. Then you would see for yourself what the situation really is. If you guys were visiting him you would have seen his decline, it is not fair to expect her to deal with him and stay in contact with you kids, you have some responsibility to stay in touch with your dad.
This is truly a situation that needs a helping hand and not criticisms for what you think is going wrong.
Old people fall, nothing can really stop that. Maybe he is in depends because he is not making it to the bathroom and making huge messes. You can't trust what a broken brain says, their reality doesn't dwell in the same dimension as the real world.
Please get active in his care before you go after what she is doing. I bet she would welcome a caring hand with no sharp tongue comments about what she is doing or not doing.