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My mother has taken all the joy out of my life. I have read many articles on this site but there really aren't any answers. Only more questions. I am giving up. My son graduated from high school and she made it miserable. My daughter graduated from college, she goes into crisis and I am robbed of that joy. Now, my daughter is getting married and my mother is once again going into crisis mode. Why? Because it always has to be about her. She has to be the center of attention because she thinks she deserves it. Honestly, I can't live this way anymore with no joy, no relaxation, never unstressed or unworried. I am very close to ending it all. If I didn't have my son to finish putting through college I would kill myself and be done with it. This is what it has come to. My life or hers. And she's winning.

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Poor thing. I pray the LORD encourages you today. I think you simply need to tell your Mom that you love her, but she is sabotaging joyful milestones in your family

As such, you choose to take a break from her. You need to boldly look at her when she begins to sabotage and tell her point blank: I will not let you sabotage the joy for my family. I am sorry you are in pain, but I can't help you right now.
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I am so sorry. Some moms do this.

Find the strength to do whatever it takes to reclaim your life, don't let her win. Live your life for yourself and your children.

There is a place inside you that is safe. You can go there and not be affected by her. Find it.

Whatever you are letting her hold over you, let it go. She can't hold you and hurt you unless you let her.

I hope you can find the strength to find peace in your life. Give yourself back your joy. Take care of yourself.
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You have to kick your own strength up a notch. What do you do when you come up against a situation that is more challenging than anything you have ever done? Do you say " I can't do it" or do you try harder? Be honest.
Try something different, a new approach. Get a babysitter for Mom because she is acting like she needs one. Every time my Mother pulled this s--t with me--from the time I was 28 years old, because that was when I figured out that what she was doing was selfish and inconsiderate, not to mention more immature than we were ALLOWED to be as TODDLERS!--I called her on it. And she cried and told me I was "just like my Father" and I said Hallelujah, thank you very effing much Mother. And she would calm down. Self-centered babies need to be Managed. Read up on Narcissists. It's time you learn a new lesson, or you will be doomed to keep repeating this one. It is a lesson: that's why it's hard and when you master it you will feel so much better, Dear One:) xo
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Stay strong! I have felt this way MANY MANY days! Does your mom live with you and is she sickly? It may be time for new arrangements. She sounds like my mom whom I Graciously accepted into my home when she noone else to take care of her and 8 months later I was at my wits end. She has narcisstic behaviors and also wants to be the center of attention. She feels that she is more important than my own kids. Now that she is in the NH..trust me the physical exhaustion is gone. She still drives me crazy with her outbusrts and behavior..but I can walk out and go home to my family. She was so bad my children resent her..they dont even want to visit her and they are 7,9,12, and 19 so I get where you are coming from. Keep your head up and do what you have to do to get your family back and your life. Our parents enjoyed their lives in their prime and there is no reason they should ruin ours. As much as we will always love them..we can love from a distance
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Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive advice. My mom does not live with me and she is not sickly at all. She is very independent. That actually makes it worse. She can do for herself she just doesn't want to. And so she expects and or demands that I do it. She says she took care of three kids and three kids should be able to take care of one mother. Problem is, one of my sisters is brain injured and cannot even take care of herself and the other sister lives 2 and half hours away. So that leaves me. Even when my oldest sister offers help my mother refuses saying that she only wants me to do it. I'm losing my mind. I have a husband that is disabled, a full time job, a house in disrepair, HUGE college debt, a teenager and a wedding to plan. No one will help me and those who may have been there in the past have been driven away by my mother's nastiness. I don't blame them, I envy them.
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So what are you going to do differently to help your situation?!
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I don't know. I just feel so defeated. As I said in my first post, I don't even know the question, let alone the answer. Guess I just thought someone would have lived through a similar situation and solved it.
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Momsgoto, what a telling story. Your mother does seem to be a true narcissist. They can really suck the joy out of life for the people around them. The good news is that if she doesn't really need you, there is no reason that you should not limit time spent with her. She needs to find her own life and not try to take yours away from you. The shame is on her, not on you. Narcissists can make you feel crazy, because they always cast the blame on their victim. The only way I know to deal with a narcissist is to decide the things that you will do, then stick to them. They will probably get mad, but it is better them mad than you stressed and depressed. That you want to end your life leads me to feel that you need to separate for a while and try to see a therapist to help you learn how to deal with your mother. In your mother's eyes, you will most likely never be right and you'll never be able to do enough, so you have to set the limits yourself and demand your mother respect your limits. If she won't, you may have to live separate lives until she gets more reasonable.

I hope that you and she can come to a compromise. Keeping families together is good, but one person can't do it all.
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honey, when your mother raised you it wasnt a pretty time. money was short, men often abused housewives, and often cheated on them. mothers had no identity outside the marriage, ( generally ) . your mother might have lived a breathing hell for you. try to see how much she suffered for you. mom had stress and oppression too likely. her bitterness may have stemmed from a really suckin situation when she was a young house mother..
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Can you tell us how she is going to spoil your daughter's wedding? Does she go and act up? Does she "get sick" that day? The smart people here can suggest specific things to try and to think - the way you think about something can change everything!! You are thinking globally, as I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy. Let's start with some details.

Sending you caring thoughts.
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Momsqoto, my mother is similiar to your mother's situation and behavior. I found that building barriers was the best means for me. How, I tell her very little and do not include her in many of my activities wih my husband and children. Why? Because she is a miserable and opinionated nasty person who has hurt people with her big mouth and unkind words. Most of her days are spend by herself with only the television and her books to keep her company. It could have been so different for her, but nobody wants to be around her anymore. I only do what I have to do for her on occasional visits and try to keep her out of my personal life as much as possible. I finally got over my guilt and could care less how she feels. She destroyed any emotions I had for her and has become nothing more than an occasional obligation to contend with. Please do not destroy your life, you are so much more valuable as a person than your mother will ever be. Be there for yourself and your children and let your mother rot in her own misery!
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My mom isn't narcissistic, but has needs that have severely impacted my life. I have learned over time that I have to set boundaries about what I will and won't do and when I will help my mom. Just knowing that I'm not on call 24/7 has really given me a mental boost. So my suggestion (like others on here( is to set some limits around your mom as far as when you'll see her and how much you'll tell her (I thought the suggestion about limiting her information about your personal life is a good one). She WILL be mad at you but that's better than wanting to end your life!

And also carve out some time for YOU. Get out with friends, go to a movie, take a walk, get your nails done, anything where you can spend some time that is away from the daily stress you're facing and where you can just enjoy yourself. Just "getting away mentally" for an hour can make a world of difference.

Can you also get some outside support from your church or aging care facilities in your community to get some support for your mom? Just tell her that's the way it is and stick to your guns. Don't let your mom's self-centeredness ruin your world. Whatever the reasons for her behavior, you need to work on protecting yourself and your family. You owe them (and yourself) a lot more than you owe her.
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This sounds so much like my mother it's almost scary. I missed my brothers wedding because she 'felt ill' and refused a caregiver, and the only things she ever wants to do is complain about *everything* or rant at me because I'm single and jobless! (GEE I wonder why I am..)

I agree with several of the other posters here, if it's possible, limit the time you spend around her. If she needs help, tell her to hire a caregiver or a handyman. Don't let her guilt trip you over it either! She raised you, yes. That does not mean you have to make yourself sick or sad attempting to "repay" the favor. If your sister doesn't know the situation, ring her up and explain it to her. I'm sure she'll understand, and may be able to step up and handle more of it, whether your mom wants her to or not.

It will be difficult. Your mother doesn't see you as a grown woman with a job and a family, she may see you as "her little girl" that should do what she's told, or she may see you as "uncaring". Neither is true, and don't let her make you believe it! You HAVE to learn to step away from it. It can be tough, but for your sake, and the sakes of your kids, and husband, you can do it!
*hugs*!
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Dear capandhardass,

You are right. My mom and dad did not raise me in a pretty time. They always seemed to be struggling and my dad worked three jobs sometimes. My mom suffered loss in her early life as did my dad. I don't claim that my mom's life was a bed of roses. But who among us can claim that they have had no pain? Sure, it was a difficult time, but my father lived and struggled in that same time and he did not do to others what my mom is doing. He too was a victim of my mother's abuse and selfishness. But even as I type those words I want everyone to know that I love my mother and I remember all the good, kind, and yes unselfish things she did for me. But that is no more. And there was always a line that she didn't go past. That was her comfort zone, And she never, ever left it. Not for my father, not for my sisters and not for me. No matter what we needed, wanted or deserved, if she had to leave her comfort zone, we did without. Fear is what drove my mothers life. And now with decisions based on fear she must reside in a life that is empty and sad. I tried for years to calm those fears. I worked hard to help her over the anxiety and depression. I have given her time that I didn't have or that I stole from my children. Every person's circumstance is unique to them and one that they fashion themselves. I don't think I owe my mother any more. I respect her, I love her and I help her the best I can. But to give credence to her behavior because she lived in struggling times is a lame excuse. To paraphrase J.R.R. Tolkien, "No one choses the time they are born in, all we have to decide is what to do with the time we have."
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Hi Jinx4740,

I can't tell you specifically but she always finds a way. And it may not be on the wedding day. Since the planning began she has been stating her negative opinion on everything from the flowers to the dresses. She always adds, "that's just my opinion, you can do what you want, but........" As a consequence I don't want to tell her anything and as a consequence of that she says she feels like no one includes her and she is lonely. And it's not like I have not tried to explain this chain reaction to her. She just gets angry, denies, resists and continues on.
You ask what she will do? Scenario I: Well she has been taken shopping on at least three occasions to get something to wear. She would not buy anything. I will bet you that a week or so before the wedding, when I have a zillion things to do and want to spend some precious moments with my daughter, she will be calling me in a hysterical rant that she has nothing to wear and i have to take her somewhere. I could say no and pay the emotional price. Or I could take her and even if I do she will not buy anything. She will insist on going out several times before she MAY get something. Hence, taking my time, energy, and joy from a special moment in time for my daughter and I. This is just one scenario that has been played out in my life over, and over, and over again. Scenario II: Sometimes even when we tell her that she needs to wear / take adult undergarments she purposely does not and soils herself so that you have to leave the event and take her home. I have even gone to the extreme of taking undergarments in my purse but she still insists on going home and changing. Once, I checked to make sure she was wearing them before we left the house. When she had the accident, I asked where the undergarments were and she said she took them off because they were uncomfortable!!! REALLY, more uncomfortable than pooping yourself?!!!! I guess not for HER. Just for everyone around her. Lesson: You can't make an adult wear undergarments.
And those are just two of the ways that she could do it. She has many clever ideas in her arsenal. It's just that by the time you get to the event, occasion, or activity (no matter how trivial or monumental) you are so exhausted and emotionally drained by her antics that you cannot enjoy it. You just feel like you survived it. I'm tired of just surviving. I'm either going to stop surviving or start living. Right now, I live on the fence. Some days teetering this way, some days the other.
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Oh Lord my dear, I do understand where you are coming from. I live with my mother and she is exactly the same way. Well, one day she fell and she went to the ER and was admitted for three days, then her doctor put her in a nursing home for rehab and there she stayed for one month. What heavenly bliss that month was for me. When she came home she was spoiled rotten and I hated my life with her. But I prayed hard and found some relief. I did not give in to her wants and demands and when she came at me with her cruel and smart remarks, I would walk away or come back at her. I had found the strength to stand up to her. She is physically strong, with not any health problems. She is depressed, however and lonely, but due to her own wishes. She is not one to welcome anyone into the home, avoids the neighbors and just wants me to be her everything. I can't, nor will I let her take control of my life. I have a daughter and three grandchildren that need me and I am now looking for a man in my life. I am regaining my life. It has not been easy, but I refuse to let Mother control me any longer.
Try to find a way to break away from your mother, if only for awhile and find yourself and the strength to say no more, this is my life and I am going to live it. It is a hard road, but I know it can be done. I have found strength through God and this web-site. I wish for you to find it also.
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I think I will follow my own advice and decide what to do with the time I have. Thanks to all that helped me in this journey. I hope others who read these posts glean something to help them on their road to peace.
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I know I sound like a broken record, but quit letting her take advantage of you. Tell her to hire someone to help her. You are no longer available. Do not answer her phone calls, if they are constant. When she tells you "I need you to run and do this and that." Plainly say "Oh, I could not possibly do that." Then, end the conversation.

I have seen my sister, try to appease our Mother. She just would not tell her "No." But, it will effect your health and your mental health. Good luck. Keep informed.
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Keep us informed. sorry
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OK. Thanks for the details!!! Here are some suggestions.
1. "Mom, what are you wearing to the wedding? What about this old one here? If that's not good enough then you need to buy one next Tuesday. That's the last day I can take you shopping. You don't want me to have to go crazy when "daughter" needs me, do you? I know you understand." When she calls, "Mom, you didn't buy a dress. I guess you'll just have to wear that old one. OK, if you can't wear that one, we'll miss you at the wedding."

2. Hire a caregiver with a car to attend her at the wedding. Make sure she is good with Depends and wet wipes. (Make sure she is a tough broad who takes no crap!) "Mom, I'm paying for mary to take care of you at the wedding because I have to give this day to "daughter". This is going to be her only wedding, and I don't want you to be neglected while I'm so busy. That's not OK with you? Sorry, we'll miss you at the wedding."

3. Paying the emotional price: "Mother, of course I love you, but on the wedding day, the bride is more important than the grandmother. I tried to make it possible for you to come, but you chose not to cooperate. I understand that you're upset, but I did what I had to do." Listen to no more than 1 to 5 minutes of ranting, then apologize, kiss her, tell her you love her and leave.

"yes, mother, right now I do love my daughter more than I love you because she needs me more."

"Mother, We are just going to have to disagree about this. Sorry, I have to go now. Love you. Talk to you later."

Reduce your guilt by saying often how much you love her, and how you hope she will choose to do what she has to to be at the wedding.

Easy to say and hard to do, but those are some specific ideas that might be useful.
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I am so sad for you. My biggest fear when I moved my Grandma in was that it would take time away from my kids. They are teenagers and I feel like my time with them is slowly fading away. I made a decision to help her out, but not at the expense of my kids. I do think it is good for them to see me caring for her, and for them to be kind and help her too, but I try not to ask too much of them. And she shouldn't ask too much of you. Set limits with her. Make a schedule of when you can help her and stick to it. Make a back up plan for important events. If your sister is offering, take her up on it, don't give mom a choice. Guard your time with your kids. Stand up for them. Yes it's hard, and there is only so much of you. But it is your number 1 job as a mom to be there for your kids. Your mom has to come 2nd. That's life. Do NOT let her take that away from you. YOU have the power, not her. You will never get this time back. Protect it. No one else can do it but you. Be strong. We are all rooting for you. It's not too late.
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Hi Jinx4740,

What useful advice!!! thank you so very much. I guess I just have to get tough with her. It's so hard because she is constantly reminding me of everything she did for me and how she sacrificed for me. And she did. But I didn't know (nor could I have known) that the payback for that would be to forfeit my life and all of my special moments to make her the center of my universe. I am a mom. I don't do this to my daughter or my son. I have my own life. I can't say I don't miss the early years at times, but I know they need to have their own experiences. And yes, I certainly have sacrificed for them but there is no payback expected. That's why it's a sacrifice.
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Hasn't your teenager ever said to you, "I didn't ask to be born!" LOL.

Try this with Mom - "But I thought you did that for me because you loved me, not because you expected me to pay you back." Then duck real fast!

Try to laugh, and to make her laugh, whenever possible.
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Gosh....I do know what you are going through.How am I surviving a narcissistic mother who is constantly putting the guilt trip on me? I stand my ground. I say no. No, I can't do that errand today, maybe tomorrow or call someone else to help you. No, you can't come live with me, it will destroy my family and I can't have that. No Mom, I don't want to hear about all the regrets you have in your life; I don't want to hear it anymore. Call your others kids and tell them. No Mom, I can't come over for an hour because you've been complaining about the clutter in your house for months, either do something about it but I'm not cleaning it up because every time I come over, you refuse to let me throw anything out because you are a depression child. Not my problem. So how do I do it? I tell her the truth. The truth will set you free, Momsgoto. I don't answer the phone when she calls sometimes because I don't want to. And I don't call back until the next day. I guess I care more about me and my family and my issues, and I think that is what you need to do. It takes time to get to that point but I think you can it. Don't answer the phone. Don't go over to her house. Just don't - period.

Care more about yourself that your mother.

Care more about your daughter and your son, than you do your mother.

Care more about your husband, your marriage and your house, than you do your mother.

Look, I love my mother but I like sanity more.

Easier said that done, but you CAN do it, I know you can.

xo
-SS
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My first suggestion as a nurse and social worker is you seek professional help immediately for your own depression and suicidal thoughts. Secondly, do not invite your mother to the wedding so she can spoil it. No one "wins" in a relationship unless YOU let them. Please get some professional help so you can be there for your daughter's wedding. Best wishes.
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Way to GO, Selfish Sibs!!! WhooHoo! :))) xo
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Quick note -- I can relate to most all of the posting comments. Breaks my heart.
*Momsgoto* please do no harm to yourself. Please enjoy this time with your daughter for her event. Enjoy time with friends and family to celebrate. These good things will stay in your heart and they are the most important things. Remind your mom that she is an adult and to behave like one. No more catering to her on ANYTHING. Find a family member, good friend, or a hired caregiver to take on your mom NOW so that you can get those treasured moments you need in the here and now. Don't let her spoil this. Narcissists will suck your mind, body, and soul dry. I think they will outlive us all.
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I hear you only too well, Momsgoto -- like myself I suspect you are dealing with a narcissist who never thanks you or acknowledges all that you do for her, just demands and expects more and more. That's not going to change, sorry.
First and foremost: PLEASE do not do anything to harm yourself, I have been where you are and it sounds as if you are at the end of your rope as I have been many, many times in this situation -- but you have to see that she wins the more aggravated, stressed and upset you get - it's her way of controlling you.
You don't mention whether you have any siblings that would help you out in her care, but sometimes even that doesn't work because the classic scenario is that there is always only one sibling who does all the caregiving and, of course, is criticized and belittled for it.
What you do will never be enough. It is damned if you do, damned if you don't and also it is do as I say, not as I do. I think it would help you to read the thread "How do I deal with a narcissistic parent (or mother, can't recall which) "
You are never going to beat the sense of entitlement your mother has -- they are far too skilled and manipulative at getting what they want at all costs and they have put themselves on a pedestal all their lives and believe they are above everyone else.
I will just let you know that when my daughter got married, my mother sabotaged our hair appointments (pretended to be "sick" so that we all had to race home and ruin our mother-daughter time together and naturally there was nothing wrong with her), bridal shower (went into a snit when someone told her I was doing a good job looking after her because she looked so well and then when we got home, told everyone she was going to live somewhere else because there was obviously nothing wrong with her since WE didn't see her as being sick) and the wedding (nagging endlessly that the day was too long, she didn't like the dinner, why did she have to sit at the head table with people that don't speak the same language, etc. etc. etc).
You and I must find some semblance of life somehow. This person has also sucked the life out of me (or attempted to extinguish my flame at every turn) and has done so since I was a small child. I honestly believe that she only had children so she could be pampered, waited and taken care of in old age and it continues now. How do I know that? Because she has told my children that she was "forced" to have children, never wanted any and that children are only good for looking after parents in old age in their own homes (the child's) so that the parent can live and be taken care of for free...........!!
What you have to realize is that the minute the spotlight goes onto someone else (at a birthday, graduation etc, as you mentioned) they will drop a bombshell in front of everyone to get it back. It's a sickness and they have mental illness and personality disorder.
Go back through your life and see how she behaved when you were younger. I guarantee that she has had a pattern of this big-time.
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PS mine destroyed my father's life by driving him to drink as an only escape from her constant whining and nagging and reporting his every move to the family doctor.
I will fight to the finish that she doesn't destroy mine.
Please remember that anything and everything you tell her or share with her about your own life and family can and will be used against you. These ones thrive on bad news, drama, telling others' news to people they shouldn't and meddling.It gives them importance.
I am sorry that you have the same kind of parent that I have. When mine dies, I will miss the mother I DIDN'T have, not the one I DID have.
I will pray for you (G-d is our only strength) and wish you better days. But please, take the advice in these postings, you are more important than her, you are entitled to a life of your own, and do your damndest to distance yourself from her. Do NOT point out anything that she does that bothers you because she will do it more just to get under your skin.
I know that G-d created us as human, will all our faults, but I often wonder why he put so many faults into one person!!
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You have nailed it, seven.

I have detached/distanced - to an extent and live my life without my mother at the centre where she wants/strives to be. I am 75 and WILL have some peace af the end of my life. We all are entitled to a life or our own.
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