My mom will be 94 next week. She still lives in her condo apartment and is in relatively good health, except for arthritis aches and pains. She is legally blind and uses a walker but is quite independent and social.
Ever since she stopped driving at age 75, I've been her main "go to" person for grocery shopping, appointments, etc., as well as caring for her emotional needs. My brother does help out occasionally. I am self-employed and have a very hectic schedule.
Mom has always been an impatient, demanding woman and has become worse in the past couple of years. She has started to get more confused and doing some troublesome things, like freaking out if I don't answer the phone right away. The other day, I was in our swimming pool. The phone was inside. She called four times with a half hour. When I returned her call, she said she was worried that I was sick. She called my brother, who lives 20 minutes away, and told him to come to my house to check if I was okay. Fortunately, I was able to reach him to tell him I was okay.
This is not the first time mom has freaked out like this when I haven't immediately returned her phone calls. I suspect some dementia is setting in. I notice that she's getting a bit more confused, too.
Mom has said a couple of times that she wishes I called her every day, because some of her friends' children do that. She says she gets "lonely." Meanwhile, my sister calls every Sunday, my brother calls one a week, my niece visits her almost every Monday, I call Mondays and Thursdays and usually take her grocery shopping every Friday. Plus, she plays cards every night with the people in her building and goes out to lunches and other functions almost every week, so I'm not understanding why she's "lonely."
I really don't want to commit to calling her every day, for a few reasons, but most of all, because if I don't call her every day on time, she'll flip out and worry. As I said, I run a business and it requires me to be on the road every day, I also have battled anxiety for years and it would be just too much for me to deal with her drama on a daily basis. Certainly, I am always there for her if she needs anything, but calling every day would be absolutely too much for me to handle.
She's been on the list for assisted living for four years. I think she'd be much happier, less needy, and less "lonely" if she were in such an environment.
Anyone else dealing with a similar situation? Am I being selfish?
Good daughter!
When I haven't been able to reach my father and have been anxious or overly concerned, I've called repeatedly. A few times I've gotten in my car and driven the nearly 30 miles to make sure that he's okay. He tells me I'm a worrier. But I fear any manner of things happening to him and need to be reassured sometimes, especially when certain other conditions exist.
I can understand your position, especially since you write that your mother engages in "drama", but I honestly don't think it's too much to call her daily. She's an old woman, she can't see, and apparently she's alone all day.
Honestly now that she is gone I would give anything to be able to still call her everyday. Enjoy her while you can I say cause the day will come when you won't have the luxury of having that connection.
That tells me this has become even more stressful in your life.
One random but important question that comes to mind is how has your husband felt about your mom's dependency on you and how much it creates conflict inside of you?
I am not sure she would be much different in wanting calls if she were in an assisted living which I hope she can get into. Yes, moms never cease to worry about even their grown children, but I find every day a bit much. Well, I've said enough.
You are doing the best you can. It's good other family members help out. Yes, as a fellow "go-to" person, my parents expect me to drop everything. No question the pressure is there. On the other hand, you deserve a life. Good for you for reaching out on this discussion board. Don't forget we're here for you.
At her age, I would suspect age related decline and also some dementia. It's not likely that you will be able to explain your situation and your decision to not call daily. She's likely to just not get it and continue to call you. I have found that seniors often get overly concerned about trivial things and convincing them not to worry is not very productive. But medication could help.
Most of the seniors that I know, call their adult kids and other people at least once per day.
I suppose what I'm thinking of specifically is this request from her that you call her once a day. Would that actually be too much? - feel free to say yes it would, but I must admit that to me, not having to do it any more, that doesn't sound like a lot to ask. You would have to add some riders, true, such as that you may not be able to call her every day, but that you will let her know if you can't and she is to make a note of it -
Actually, what you could do is have a dedicated answer phone for her so that you could record reminders on it. Anyway.
- so that she doesn't freak out on those days when you can't call. And for the not wanting a daily litany of troubles, you keep the conversations very much within bounds, and as soon as they turn into poor me tales you say "well lots of love, I have to go now, speak to you tomorrow" and ruthlessly detach yourself.
But above all please yourself. The reason I make these suggestions is *only* that YOU don't seem to be comfortable with how things are, and that's the aim. Best of luck.
My M used to beg a daily call too, then it got to be twice a day "So I can say goodnight." Pretty soon it would have built up to me never being off the phone!
My widowed BIL is now starting the same pattern.
My advice is to reassure her the days/times you'll call. On the time give yourself a leeway for events. Mum I'll call you Monday between 9 and 10. If I don't call, don't worry because it just means I'm in the middle of something & I'll call as soon as I'm free.
BTW it's lovely to read of folks who so miss loving parents & would dearly relish 1 more call. Sadly we don't all get that relationship and calls bring grief, pain, anger, lack of self worth and a whole bag more of not feeling good.
About the calling every day thing: I doubt if she's asked my brother and sister to call her more often. It's just ME she wants to talk to every day, and that's a lot of pressure for someone like me who has anxiety. I do think it's time for assisted living very soon.
She has been on the list for assisted living for four years because we are trying to get her into a rent-subsidized place. To do that, you go on a waiting list. She could get into somewhere sooner if she chose more than one facility, but she's chosen only one that she likes. She refuses to see or consider other facilities. Hence the long wait. The other option is to get her into another facility where she'd have to pay $3,000 plus a month. We've been trying to avoid that up to now, for financial reasons.
Before my Mom was ever elderly I would call her everyday because she is extremely needy, sometimes I called twice a day. It was all drama and complaints. If I went a couple of days without calling she got nasty with me. Calling everyday REALLY too it's toll on me. Finally a counselor suggested I cut back to about three calls a week. Funny how we often feel the need for permission to take care of ourselves. Mom sulked for a long time but she eventually got used to it. Now that she is elderly and caring for my dad I call more often. I was back up to daily calls and it was too much. Now I take a day or two off a week but I do tell her ahead of time. If I know I have a long day ahead of me I tell her I will not be able to call until the next day. That seems to work.
I'm OK with calling as much as I do but that's the pattern I have always had. Now I keep the calls to just about ten minutes (they used to be much longer). I listen most of the time, Mom has never been very interested in what I am doing. I don't encourage her to go on and on but I do try to be supportive of her feelings. Sometimes the conversation is pleasant, those days I stay on the phone longer with her.
Each person is different and you must go with what you know is best for you. Your Mom has lots of support. You do your part, that's enough.
On another note, you said you suspect dementia might be setting in, maybe her increased neediness is a symptom of that?