I try to be patient, understanding and kind, but the irritation gets out of hand too often and I end up screaming at her. She tries to resist me all the time and it's just exhausting. I just feel like a bad person, not worth anything anymore. Who screams at their poor old Mother, I feel so ashamed...
A quandary is my Mother is on Medicaid so I don't really trust State run agencies to care for her. Also she would have to live 30 miles away and I'm still working. She is here alone for part of the day, but I'm monitering everything and it seems to be okay for now. I will retire if I have to to care for her, but I would like to go for one more year. I need to. It's such a losing situation. Also I depend on her small portion of rent to help me pay my Mortgage payment. It isn't much since she didn't work much in her life, but it helps me to take days off to care for her and to rest sometimes. I feel like such a lousy daughter, I try to care for her and show kindness everyday but sometimes I just snap and feel I can't take this situation any more. There is only me, and we moved to an Island about 10 years ago, but we still know no one. I just can't come out of my shell here. We (Mother and I) have always been isolated (it's a long time family dynamic) but now it's even worse now that almost the entire family has passed and the ones who are left are very elderly themselves. Mother does go to a senior Day Care program once a week and that helps. But the unrelenting day after day, week after week, 7 days a week of telling my Mother (she has dementia), every little thing she has to do, all activities of daily living, just everything and then the daily routines have to be repeated verbally at least five times and sometimes more. To try and run her life completely is so stressful for me and so contrary to the relationship we have had with each other. She was always totally independent and hated anyone who intervened in her life. And then there is incontinence both fecal and urine. It's not constant, but I am dealing with her urine and feces everyday and it's depressing. I know it's not logical because she has dementia, but I feel so upset when her package of open pads are right next to her but she just won't put them on if I'm not there right at the moment. And yet at many times in her behavior she seems fairly normal in her reactions. The ups and downs of dementia are continually baffling to deal with. I've been caring for her for thirteen years and It's just driving me bonkers. I feel so depressed I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm beginning to wish I weren't here anymore. I never felt like she cared much for me, she really neglected me during my childhood and that's a long story, but I always loved her, felt loyal and never wanted to put her in a home, especially a state run one. It's hard to describe, but the constant never-ending caregiving is incredibly difficult. Thanks for reading, it's good to tell someone. Any thoughts or comments would be helpful, Thanks, T.
I hope you can work things out soon. All the best.
You are going to get lots of good, practical and sympathetic advice on this forum. I only wish I could add to it, but I'm just too tired and burnt out myself, so this note is just really to say, you are not alone, come here to vent when it all gets too much, and remember, you are a good loving daughter doing the best that you can in impossible circumstances - of course you are going to have melt-downs now and then, you are only human. Learn to forgive yourself, and get whatever outside help is available to you.
Sending lots of hugs!!!!!
It’s natural to get upset about your situation and I feel it’s also natural to get upset afterwards. This isn’t about lack of control though. It’s about being overwhelmed.
No one is perfect. We all lose our temper at times. We also lose our patience when we are overly stressed.
It’s impossible to feel like this is a normal life because it isn’t. Your life has been turned upside down. It’s natural to feel resentful about what you are going through.
I wish I had answers for you. I sincerely hope things improve soon. Many, many hugs for you. I hope you are able to get some rest soon.
Take care and vent anytime. Most people on this site know how you feel because they have experienced similar situations.
What exactly do you mean about not wanting to be here anymore? Not being with her or is your depression so severe that you want to die? If you are feeling suicidal, please seek help. I’m not judging you but wouldn’t want you to do something drastic.
It’s hard to be a caregiver at anytime but during the holidays are especially difficult.
Many hugs for you.
Where I live there are Medicaid acceptable homes that are not state run, although, my mother, my step dad and his wife are in self pay homes, I did tour several for future possibilities. They were not 5 star, but acceptable.
I wish you the best!
Are you doing this hoping your mother will change because of all your love and make you feel more cared for by her? Forget it, many have that pipe dream. It's not going to happen.
It's not about wanting to put her in a home, it's about needing to for both her sake and yours.
Some are better than others for sure. It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond and for perhaps longer than you might have Because it sounds like you’re at a breaking point. If you don’t take care of yourself and you become ill or pass on, who then will take care of your mother? Believe me, just because she’s placed in the CARE residence doesn’t mean your work has stopped, it’s just that she will be supervised 24/7 and you would be relieved of some of the day-to-day struggle. In my area we have several dementia/Alzheimer’s support groups that are very helpful. It sounds like it’s time for you to make some changes, as difficult and painful as this can be, you must take care of yourself in addition to taking care of your mother. If your mother is not a wanderer and is not constantly trying to leave, a possibility exists that she could go into an RCFE which is a residential care facility, usually with 4-6 residents And sometimes, less expensive. There is all sorts of information online about dementia and Alzheimer’s. In conclusion, your mother isn’t doing anything on purpose it’s just part of her illness. Also there is something known as Anosognosia, it’s when someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s has no awareness that anything is wrong with them. Another point is that Medicaid or state aid will also cover someone’s care. They will take any monies she receives to assist them in paying for her care but it is also another way to go. I wish you well on this journey.
You cannot reason with these people. They have lost that ability. The ability to process, retain and have empathy.
If Medicaid is paying for her Daycare, is it possible for her to go to DC 5x a week, Medicaid paying for partial or full cost. Moms picked hers up and dropped her off. She was there for breakfast and lunch. She even had therapy.
In my area, our LTC facilities are private own but do except Medicaid. Mom did share a room with 4 others but was only there to sleep. She was in the activity room most of the time. You need to research and visit.
Can I ask what the main goal is? Caring for Mum at home or caring for Mum wherever she lives? I ask because some people are determined to stay in the home so will do whatever it takes: renovate bathrooms, build ramps, pay $$$ for aides. If the goal is for both Mum & you to both live happy & meaningful lives, would that still look the same? You sound fairly isolated? Is that by choice? Sorry to be blunt - I am a fellow daughter with a *tricky* Mother & just wish to remind you - you matter! And you have choices. ((Hugs))
You are not alone!!!
HUGS 🤗
Dementia brings with it THE most irritating and unmanageable behaviors on earth, it's mind boggling, really. My mother has always been insufferable but when dementia set in, she became SO incredibly impossible that I'd prefer to shoot myself rather than care for her at home. So I don't.....shes gone from Assisted Living to Memory Care and then I will place her in a Medicaid Skilled Nursing Facility when she runs out of money. Because MY sanity is worth it, period. I have my life and she has hers. I go visit weekly and call daily. I handle ALL of her affairs from 4 miles away, and it's a lot of work, but as an only child, I'm all she has and so I wiilingly do it......but from a distance. And, for what it's worth, she was in a Medicaid approved SNF for rehab in May and loved it. It's the place she'll go back to when her money runs out for Memory Care. The care was excellent, the room bright and large, clean and well manicured grounds,,,,,it was an all around great experience.
Best of luck
This had some effects on me while I was still working (and only able to visit one weekend a month because I was living 500 miles away). One was that I provided technical support to sales reps, customer service reps, and medical practices. There were a few customers that others found very frustrating to deal with, and they gladly handed them over to me. Because of the effort I had to make in a conversation with my mother, I found dealing with customers very easy and had plenty of patience with them, much to the appreciation of the others in our company. The other was that one day, when I wanted to say something to one of the laboratory technicians, I got to thinking about which side I should approach her until it dawned on me that she, like most people, can hear in both ears!
I too take on conversations with the *tricky* ones!
My Mother refuses to use her hearing aides, points at things she wants done & repeats a command until someone does it (or goes beserk if not).
I don't care much how crazy or hard the conversation gets with hearing impaired, dementia or delirium as long as it's a TWO way convo - not a one sided demand.
to care effectively for our loved ones. But you can still play an important role while she is in assisted living. You visit often and advocate for her there. Pray often and get balance in your life so you can still be effective for both of you.
For myself I NEVER regretted caring for her. I've always been very close to mom. She lived a very good quality life end at the very end stages of Alzheimer's disease. She never needed a single psychotropic or narcotic. She knew she was loved. All the time. Even the hospice nurse never started her on morphine because she really was very comfortable. Everyday I thought how much I appreciated her being alive. Just being with her meant the world to me, so when she died (of liver cancer--NOT Alzheimer's), I was destroyed. I never realized just how alone I am without her. She lived for years with a PEG tube. She long forgotten how to swallow food and water. But it was liver failure that killed her--not Alzheimer's.
The time you put into the drive to the facility is nothing compared to the hours you are putting into caring for her now.
My mom is the sweetest woman on the face of the earth, but I still get very frustrated, and I have a supportive spouse. But even so, we are looking at assisted living options because the stress takes such a toll as I work full time.
My dad was in a nursing home for 3 1/2 years, and it was the absolute best choice we could have made. He was on medicaid, and honestly he had socialization that he never would have had at home. His relationship with my mom became so much better after placement. He treated her so kindly when she came to visit, and they fought like cats and dogs while she was her caregiver.
Don’t make assumptions about skilled nursing facilities. There are many loving aides, nurses, therapists, and workers who do their best to care for the residents. Unfortunately, the system doesn’t allow for appropriate staffing.
You have a mortgage, it is not a good idea to retire with a large debt if at all possible.
Your mother is eligible for a nursing home. That would take a huge weight off your shoulders. You are looking at nursing homes through the veil of FOG. You are somehow trying to make it up to her for the neglect you suffered as a child at her hands.
If Mum is in care you can go out and meet people, develop a social circle and reduce the isolation in your life.
You are also probably more impatient with your own mother than you might be if you were helping someone unrelated who had the same behaviors. It is devastating to watch a loved one, especially a parent, deteriorate. The family relationship exaggerates your depression and resentment of the current situation.
Was either parent a military veteran? If either served during a time of war she might qualify for Aid and Attendance benefits for skilled nursing or a facility.
Contact your local/state Adult Services. Be patient but you really need to get some help before you become ill yourself. Please keep us updated on your situation.