A year and a half ago I moved my parents in with me. My dad was in very poor health and we lost him after six months. Now it’s just mom, my husband and I. I’ve read several questions on here and realize my life could be so much worse. My mom is very self sufficient, even makes short drives. But she drives me insane. I know she bothers my husband too but he doesn’t complain. Today I walked in from caring for my grandchild and she met me at the door. She had several things that she wanted me to do right then. I asked her to wait because I had literally just walked in the door. She said ok and stood there with the things she wanted done in her hands. She also has poor hearing. I have begged her to get hearing aids or even just have her hearing checked. She refuses. I have to repeat everything I say and it gets so old. My brother has offered to let her live with him 6 months out of the year but she won’t. I assume it’s because we live in different states but I’m not sure that is the reason. I need a break. I find myself looking for reasons to sneak out of the house just for a few minutes alone. I know I could lose her at anytime but I just can’t seem to make myself spend time with her. I feel like an awful daughter.
Is she able to care for herself independently? If so, great.
If not, what are your plans if you & your DH took a month holiday?
Would she then HAVE to accept staying at your brother's? If yes. Think about this. She is most familiar & comfortable with your home so refuses to move. You can understand that. But can you also see that is unreasonable?
It's not all about want she *wants* but what she actually *needs*.
What does she need? She may need people to live with, provide company/entertainment, help her with her daily living, pay bills etc. But it would be unreasonable to expect this is all provided by you, at the expense of your own life. Many elders start to need a village to support them. You are currently a village of ONE.
Assemble a village for her. Start with your brother (if possible). Respite at his place for a month, or two. Use paid residential respite services if brother option doesn't work out.
The risk of burnout as a sole caregiver is very real.
You really need to set down some boundaries & rules with your mother and one of them maybe should be that she should stay with her son for 6 months of the year. Not open for discussion if she'd like to continue living with you, you need some R&R too. If you do get a needed break for half a year, you're more likely to have lots more patience and interest in spending time with her when she does come back. She's 79, according to your profile, which means she can live another 20 years. You have to come up with a plan NOW, or you face 2 more decades of YOUR life & marriage being damaged by the constant presence of your mother. I know I couldn't do it, so talk to your husband and see what he thinks.
Your mother is still relatively young and can easily go live in a senior apartment building and interact with people her own age if she'd prefer, that's another option. Living with just you is not the ONLY option available, so don't be hoodwinked into thinking so, b/c she's not 'interested' in going to stay with her son for half the year. Sorry not sorry, but here's the way things need to be, mom.
Her insisting on having things done for her immediately is not realistic either, because you're not at her beck and call & have other responsibilities in life besides seeing to her every need. She needs to come to grips with that fact or explore other living arrangements, in my opinion. If she's driving you insane now, think how it'll be in a year from now, 2, 3, 5 and so on. Same with her bad hearing which will only get worse. Make an appointment for her with an ENT and have the doc explain her options. Several years ago my mother had a huge plug of wax in her ear which was making her hearing even worse than usual. So when the ENT removed it, we had a few months of improved hearing and less yelling needed on my part to be heard.
Yes, things could be 'worse' but things could be better, too. See to it that you make them better! Otherwise, the resentment will continue to build and it can destroy your relationship. Knowing that you can 'lose' her at any time doesn't help with daily resentment and having no rules or boundaries set down. You owe it to both of you to do that.......just like we did with our kids.
Good luck!