Friends will always take your side, so I'm hoping to get some guidance from people I don't know, but are in a similar situation. This will be a long read, grab a coffee.
I'm 44 years old (female), I have 2 older brothers (51 and 47). We all live in Connecticut. My son (23) and I live upstairs from my mother in the home that she and we grew up in (which she owns). My dad passed away in 2009 from combat related lung cancer due to exposure to Agent Orange. Because of the nature of his illness, my mom gets "survivor benefits" through the VA (a monthly payment and health/Rx insurance). So, her monthly income is from Social Security and the VA Survivor Benefits (she is a retired hairdresser, no pension there).
My oldest brother (single, no kids) has his own home about 40 minutes away. My middle brother (divorced, no kids) lives downstairs with my mom (moving in after his divorce 10 years ago). He comes with his own baggage and story. Prior to his divorce he was diagnosed with tonsil cancer and received radiation pellets which has made him cancer free since the surgery. Cancer made it difficult for him to swallow so for a few years he had a G-tube (feeding tube). This brother is also an alcoholic. To clarify, a hardcore alcoholic. With the G-tube he found that he could put vodka into it. This didn't go well and further spiraled his addiction out of control - leading to him being in the ICU at Yale for quite some time, his weight dropping to about 97lbs on his 5'9 frame. But, he bounced back. He had the feeding tube removed over 8 years ago, but never stopped drinking or smoking. He's been in and out of rehab across the state more times than I can count, with sobriety only lasting until he acclimates back at home. His behavior is erratic and unpredictable. He doesn't work, rarely drives and hardly gets out of bed. Needless to say, this puts an enormous mental burden on my mother (as well as my son and I). She can't "throw him out" because she would need to go through the legal system to have him evicted. Instead, she "deals" with his behavior. My son and I both work full time. While I don't pay my mother rent (obviously I pay my own utilities), I pay for the year-round yard maintenance, bring her to all of her doctor's appointments, do her shopping, balance her checkbook (after 50 years she suddenly can't do it herself), cook dinner a few times a week or take her out to dinner (if I don't cook she'll make herself popcorn or an ice cream cone!). Since I live upstairs, I'm at her beck and call 24/7.
She was recently diagnosed with COPD, Congestive Heart Failure and Sleep Apnea - adding to having had Type 2 diabetes for about 15 years. She's 73, but has herself living like an invalid. She has 1 friend left whom she rarely reaches out to (sadly, in the past 6 months she lost her best friend as well as the bf's husband and husband's sister - she was close with all of them). My mom is mentally fit. She can drive herself around town to run her own errands, but waits until the weekend when I'm around to taxi her. Selfishly, this irritates me because I work all week. When I make plans to be with my boyfriend she gets angry! I get that she's lonely, but If I make plans I have to hear how awful and selfish I am, knowing she's alone all week. She's never lived independently and has NO independence about her at all. Often she'll repeat things she's told me and talks non-stop. She has no interest in being social or going to a senior center, rather she opts to stay in the house all day then complain on the weekend that she doesn't go anywhere all week. Neither brother even attempts to help (one isn't conscience long enough and the other "needs to unwind" when he gets out of work). She'll say "Oh, maybe I'll just die then you won't have to take care of me" (if you're familiar with "The Soprano's", my mother sounds like Tony's). I've asked if she'd like to talk to someone but that makes her angrier. She's unhappy, joyless, miserable. It's draining.
Even though this is your childhood home and you feel beholden to your mother, it behooves you to move out now which forces her to do for HERSELF. Either that, or hire outside help to come in instead. At 73, she can easily live another 2 decades. CHF takes a long time to get serious, and COPD can last a long time too if it's not too bad right now. Do you have 20 more years in YOU to be doing this for her? THAT is the question to ask yourself. Not whether you have the chutzpah to stand up to your mother, or whether she should evict your brother, or whether there's some magic wand out there you weren't asking for to begin with.
The question is, how much longer do you want to live in this madness?
I know for myself, I could never live with my mother and her toxic negativity. I'm her POA but she lives in Memory Care now, and Assisted Living before that, and in Independent Living before that, and in her own home with my father in another state before that. After I moved out at 17, that was IT for living with mom again. Once was enough. I love ya, ma, but we can't live together. And I'm her only child, to boot.
Decide what your next move in life should be. You will always be there for your mother, to talk to her, to help her in any way you can, but as far as living together under the same roof, that's what may need to change. You can definitely be her POA and advocate for life; you can do THAT and still live elsewhere. Your relationship may change for the better as a result once you stop cohabitating. Who knows? Once you aren't listening to the complaining and misery 24/7, you may grow to like her more. The love will always be there, it's the 'liking' part that may get better. And by forcing her to do more for herself, you may wind up doing her a huge favor in the long run. She's quite young to be reliant on others to this degree. She's stronger than she realizes!
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy to make big changes, for anybody..........for you or for your mother. But sometimes it's the best choice for everyone.
I know it's a tough situation, but you do have options!
Sometimes you have to try to look at those options without emotion.
What is best for you and your son?
What is best for Mom?
Could you hire a someone to come a couple days a week to do shopping, light housework and company?
My brother and my cousin are exactly like your alcoholic brother!
They both lived with enablers.
Unfortunately my brother took his own life 3 years.
My cousin was in the hospital last year when my Uncle passed. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. My cousin fried his brain with drugs and alcohol and had been physically abusive to my Aunt. I moved her into memory care and sold her home to pay her expenses.
To the best of my knowledge, he is currently in a shelter. Recieving social security and 3 meals a day.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!!
Now that I'm 19 months out, I know it was the best option and the right thing to do!!
You deserve to have your own life!! Don't let mom "Gaslight" you into living your life with her as the center of your universe!!
If mom can't take care of herself, explain to her that she'll need to move to a retirement community and sell her home to pay for it.
Brother is a grown man! He needs to figure his own life out!
You have enough on your plate!
There most likely is no peaceful solution unless you want to maintain the current situation.
It's not easy, but you can do it!!!
(((Hugs)))
Your mother is quite possibly behaving as she does through an erosion of her confidence, having your brother with her and his behaviour all the time. You need to consider if he is gaslighting your mother - addicts are good at putting the blame on others.
I don't see why she needs legal recourse to evict him unless he is paying her rent, she can just kick him out.
Basically it sounds as though having the family living in the same premises but in individual lives just isn't working.
You are the strongest so I suggest you do what is right for you and move out, don't stay and complain, do something about it.
I also would recommend you consider moving, the sooner the better. The longer you stay, the harder it might become to separate yourselves from this situation. Your plans include staying close, same or next town, so it isn't like you wouldn't be going there at times. Cleaning out the junk can wait. If you move, it can be stored temporarily and you can clean up a bit each time you visit/help.
Although she "got over it" and has been more civil, it will only happen again if you talk about moving. It's always nice to have a family member included in our happy plans, but not when they are not on board with the change that will come with it. I wouldn't recommend including her in any tours. Rent if you're not ready to buy. Take your time finding the right house for you, but you should find a place for you and your son sooner rather than later.
As for her complaint that she's alone all week when you work (despite you making or buying several meals/week!) and getting upset that you make plans with your BF, perhaps you could reserve some time on ONE of the weekend days. a few hours or so that would be for her. BF can be included IF you want him to and IF he wants to join you, but it might be best to have it her time only. Try to make plans ahead and do whatever it is she wants to do during that time. Then the rest of the day and/or the other day is yours to do with as you wish.
I do hope you find a happy resolution. It is often difficult living with family, even when there are separate areas, but when they are dysfunctional (bro) and needy/ill, it is even harder. This has been going on for a long long time, so it isn't going to be easy and it likely won't be pretty. If need be, give mom some time to adjust - you can try to maintain contact, but if she's nasty like she was, put distance between you both, like you did last time. She'll probably never "get over it", but it might tone down some, esp if she can have some of your time.
"It's of no surprise I was voted to be named as the PoA." Perhaps you already are aware, but just in case, being PoA does NOT mean you have to care for her physically. It means you can manage her affairs (financial and/or medical) if/when she can't. Some people do think POA grants more "power" than it does. Really it's more like having someone who can review and sign documents, manage bills, help make medical decisions. There's no "care" involved and it doesn't give you any power to make her move, or do anything else she refuses to so, should that ever be necessary.
Our main responsibility to our aging parents is to be sure their physical needs are being met. It does not mean we are responsible for their happiness.
Arrange to do as much as you can online for her - grocery shopping, medicines by delivery or mail, nearly anything you need can be ordered and delivered that way using uber, doordash or other such driving services.
Talk to the functional brother and see if y'all can work a deal where he goes one weekend and you go the other. Both of you would get some down time and time with other people. Tell him that your down time is just as necessary as his.
Deciding to change is just the first step. It's usually worth it 😃
You only have control over your own behavior, as you well know.
So what do you think the best thing to change might be?
Suggestions for magic wands to change your mother and brothers aren’t likely to be all that realistic. Perhaps use the ‘snarky’ comments you don’t like, as a way to think through what guidance could help you.
Pot calling the kettle black?
My moms personality has not changed because she is getting older, she has always been the same, I have had to learn a different way of dealing with her demands,
I work full time so does my brother, we both starting helping mom when my dad sadly passed away, as my brother has a very demanding job he was finding it hard to visit as often, my mom could not understand this and started being quite nasty when talking about him to me, I found myself gently defending him against her vile tongue, as I did not want to upset her after loosing her husband of 50 years.
Fast forward a few years, moms health started to deteriorate, she need help around the house, but refused to have anyone other than me help her, this caused quite a heated row between myself and my mom, I then cut off contact for 4 weeks, the outcome was, mom now has a cleaner visit the house twice a week, the hairdresser visits once a week, and the sarcasm is kept to a minimum as she knows I will stop visiting if her appalling behaviour continues,
Be brave, move out, like mine your mom is behaving like a child, so treat her like one, bad behaviour equals a sanction, they are never to old to learn.
You do need to move out and set healthy boundaries. You have your own life to lead just as your son has his own life to lead - which doesn't mean you abandon your mother - you can still help her but not be there 24/7. Who knows, without you being in the house and occasionally unavailable, she may have to reach out to the other brother. While you didn't pay rent, you have contributed to the home financially and with personal services to your mother. When you move out, your mother will have to deal with the house and her live-son. If the house is too much for her she can always sell the house which would effectively evict your brother. With the sale of the house, she should be able move into a more suitable accommodations without her son. But no matter what your mother does it is her decision; if she makes bad decisions she has to live with it, not you. All you can do is love her and try and guide her.
Can you turn the tables on mom and say..."mom I have a really busy week this week and I need a few things could you run to the store on Monday and pick up a few things?"
The other thing to do would be to check with the VA and find out if there are any programs that would provide a caregiver to your mom. They can do the running around that you would do. If the VA does not have a program that will do that then mom should pay for a caregiver that would come in and help her out. Run errands with her.
And it sounds like it is time for an "intervention" with your comatose brother. He is killing himself.
Time to set boundaries for yourself. If mom refuses to try evicting brother, if there is no intervention nothing is going to change so you have to effect your own change. Stop giving all weekends to mom. If you can afford it begin looking for another place. If you are Working from Home I suggest if you can to find someplace else to work so mom does not think you are "just home" and are at her beck and call 24/7. It is a lot different when people left for work at 8 and did not come home until 5 that was a "real" work day. To some people if you are home you are not "really" working. If you can not go anywhere to work then you are "unavailable" from 8 until 5 Monday through Friday.
Your family’s problems are a soap opera that is sucking you in. Get out! Watch the soap opera from a distance! That should be much more interesting, useful, helpful, and positive than getting in there as a minor player! Or even better, you can focus on your own life instead!
The difference is my dad's health has deterioted so he can't do his shopping himself...
When my mum passed because I lived in the house and my sister was with her partner I was expected to make sure dad was okay.
Emotionally be wasn't he would so anxious it took me ages to get back to work. Since then he has taken a stroke and his health has gotten worse ie I think the care team have enabled him to become more reliant on others rather than encourage his independance so now after getting a hospital bed he can't walk...all his care is done from bed...
Apart from that i do see similarities even when my dad was capable he wanted me to do everything...it's like he enjoys the attention and pity he gets. He likes being waited on hand and foot.
I do feel sorry for him he is kind of a lost soul since my mum passed but then as nice as he seems one minute he can turn to be angrt aggressive with me. He also did not want me meeting my partner or friends...I can so relate...
Whats the deak with you not paying rent ? You help with maintenance that's some thing.
Maybe her expecting your assistance may be due to to the fact you are not contributing to the rent ?
This must be stressful for your mum also a alcoholic son and every one living at her place is what she wants?
It sounds like she is trying to manipulate you and putting the guilt trip on you for wanting a life of your own ?
She needs to try something to improve her social interactions if not then tell her you won't listen if she complains she is never out (this is her choice )
You can only do so much for her but hopefully it's not overstepping your boundaries and you get quality time doing things for just you.
I posted earlier. Just checking in...
How are you doing today?
You’re going to figure it out. It is wise to seek advice. I am comforted by the posters on this forum.
There are times when we feel so lost. Hearing various viewpoints helps me gain a new perspective on my situation.
It’s nice just knowing that I can speak to others with similar experiences.
Nothing happens overnight.
It takes time to sort through possible solutions. It can be difficult when we are right smack in the middle of all the mayhem.
Step back and catch your breath when needed.
Wishing you all the best as you face your challenging circumstances.
2. If your mental health is suffering you need to take stock of what you have in terms of finances/savings and how you and your son can live on your own. Get your mom's finances in check and consider an account that you don't share but one that you can monitor online. If you can afford it MOVE OUT.
3. If your name is on the deed to the house, meet with a lawyer about kicking your brother out of the house. You might consider an intervention for him and getting him out of the equation. He needs to go ASAP. If your mother won't boot him out then he should be taking care of her NOT YOU.
4. Leave your older brother out of this. If he finds out, your mother will switch to him as primary caregiver. Given that he isn't helping you, he's not going to help her. Cut him off, don't communicate with him again, EVER.
5. Your mom's list of medical problems will kill her and more than likely sooner than you think. You need to get a plan in place for her death and her final wishes. You can not take care of either of your brothers after her death. If she leaves the house to your drunk brother. Then you need to move out ASAP, and never speak to him again till he gets clean and sober.
I don't think you are going to move out, and so have relegated yourself to being your mother's slave. Is this true? Or are you willing to change your life and stop enabling her?
Many people post here who really have no intention of changing things. Are you one of them?
Maybe mutiny is in the air!
You may sometimes feel powerless to make your family understand your need for change. They may well fight you to keep things as they are... But you DO have power here.
Stop rowing so hard. Slow down.
Explain you will still be FAMILY. You just won't be all the help going forward.
Offer many non-you alternatives (senior centre for company, deliveries & taxis for errands etc). Do you have an elder care assessment service in your area? To explore what Mother needs & qualifies for?
Then find you own little boat to row. This will mean taking on the responsibility of rent or your own mortgage, but this is taking responsibility for yourself & is the price of freedom.
This will force them to either row their own boats, hire other rowers or sink (into crises) depending on the choices they make.
If your mom has early dementia, then you need to talk to her about visiting a lawyer who specializes in family law. Please ask her get a will, power of attorney for finances (probably you), power of attorney for medical (again, probably you), and advanced directive. Better she does this while she is of sound mind. You might also prompt her to talk to the lawyer about the alcoholic she is enabling. Until she is diagnosed as "mentally incompetent," you do not need to take over control of any area of her life.
If you want to stay in your home, you may need to consider how to make adjustments. If mom is "letting you stay," then consider making a rental agreement together with her. Outline what are your responsibilities in terms of finances, tasks, and time, Make sure that you do not agree to anything that keeps you from meeting your needs for sleep, meals, time to meet your health needs, and time off to nourish your soul with people you value. You may want to ask your son to have a similar rental agreement with his grandma. What mom allows her sons to do and asks from them in terms of help is totally her business. You can ask your brothers to help, but don't count on it happening.
If you find that you can not tolerate living in the conditions as stated in your post AND your family is not willing to make reasonable adjustments.... then you may be better off finding a new place to live. Then, you may decide on what tasks you wish to continue to do for your mother - without any bitterness. I do have 2 suggestions that may help you in dealing with your family. First, read any of the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries." These Christian counsellors have a wonderful approach to dealing with problem behaviors. Second, please consider attending Ala-non - an organization for friends and family of alcoholics. Your mom is enabling your brother to continue his alcoholism. To some degree his alcoholism is also impacting your life. Your son would probably also benefit from the same 2 suggestions since his life is also impacted by the negative behaviors he is experiencing at home.
I said to her to tell Mom "I need to work. I have no one to depend on but myself"
Do those of you that have Cared for others now look at life this way. For whatever reasons our parents didn't plan their futures, do you find you really don't want to depend on others for your care? That you mentally are ready to give up the house, downsize if it means not depending on someone else to keep a lifestyle you are used to. None of that "we want to keep Mom in her home as long as posdible". With that means hiring aides, maybe kids responsible for mowing the lawn and upkeep. Meaning others need to sacrifice to make you happy. Not me. I never heard out of my parents mouth "I expect u to care for me". Even though I am sure they felt I would be there to help. If my DH goes before me, I plan on selling and downsizing. When I need help, I plan on going to an AL. We have been able to set money aside.
1. However you do it, take yourself out of the "caregiver" role by bringing help in for your mother now, before you move out. If that is ever going to be.
2. Set your own son free from this enmeshment, and strongly advise him to separate and individuate, fly the nest, launch, and thrive in 2021. Look up "failure to launch" syndrome.
3. You must act separately from your son, for your own mental health, and his.
Make that your priority. Even if it means you moving out first. Really.
4. Your excuse for not moving out is telling. imo.
" The truth is, our current house needs to be emptied and I'm in the process of getting quotes for dumpsters. I can't think clearly about packing up and moving until we rid the place of the crap that has accumulated."
You could move out and have that empty space to sort out Mom's things, or even just store her stuff upstairs!
So you did not buy. Ok, rent until you can yourself get help for the codependency.
5. An alcoholic (with your brother's medical issues) in some cases, will not live beyond the age of 50, if you can call that living. I knew of one who lived longer, but would fully detox in between, and was not often passed out.
Good things are going to happen if you are able to at all shake things up and change the dynamics in your dysfunctional family.
You should know, there is nothing wrong with the tradition of multi-generational families living together in the same home. If that works for you.
Do you have to pay your own bills and support yourself?
Then your career is just as important as your brother's.
My mother was the same way. I've been an in-home caregiver for many years. She always put me down about it. How it's not a "real" job like my college-educated sibling has. She couldn't understand why I can't just change my hours to humor her when she wants or need something. My other sibling didn't work at all, but his sex alone protected him from any and all chastisement and shame from mom.
She tries to pull that crap on me still from time to time. Not so much because I cut her down fast when it starts up.
You're just as important as your brother and so is your job whatever it is.