I have been caring for my mom for seven years and the last two years she can not be left alone. I am single have cut my work hours to less than 20 per week am having trouble finding quality care for my mom except for the few hours I get to leave my home....I hate my life because I no longer have a life, family have said I need a support group and since I cannot leave to join a group I am here. We have had loss in the past year with my brother passing unexpectedly.....Oh how I wish it would have been me.....I pray daily asking for help from above.....my prayers have yet to be answered....I am boarding on financial ruin from lack of work and paying out as much as I make just to care for her....I find I have no more patience for my mom because I am so unhappy in my own life....I will not put her in a nursing home because we don't have enough money to get her proper care so she is living with me. She has advanced stage Parkinson's, Dementia and the newest development is that she has panic attacks which are horrible. These are the worse, she tightens up all her muscles than complains about the pain from the tightened muscles.....I have had her to pain doctors, psychologists, primary care and of course the Parkinson doctor....nothing seems to help....All I know is I need some help and advise...
Thank you in advance for reading and helping.....
Feeling hopeless
As you probably know, U of M hospital is top notch, high quality, best of the best in our area in my opinion. I wasn't aware they had a geriatric center but I appreciate that information as I may take my father there, or go there myself.
Best wishes to you, but please let us know how things work out.
goodness she has two insurance what Medicare doesn't cover they will :) thank you ford motor.....so I am looking towards getting myself out working making money again and my moms money for her care we are also looking into VA aide and assist benefits since we just found out my dad qualifies for va benefits and since he has passed she will qualify for the aide and assit benefit so I am looking at this in a positive thing....I am lucky that I have a business where I can make good money if I can get out and work
On the 6th floor of the outpatient building are the service organizations - American Legion, VFW and I think a few more. The American Legion helped us to get my father qualified. Despite having handled all the financial, medical, legal and VA paper work for Dad for decades, I found it so much easier to rely on the AL - they know all the ins and outs and Dad was qualified in what I understand is a record 5 months or so.
And yes, I will check of U of M.
Good luck; it's good to hear that you've found solutions and are on the right track.
I'm glad you were able to find a family member to help and that your faith has been restored.
I'm not sure what Garden meant by ulterior motives. I did not think you were doing anything but asking for help.
Garden you might look up co-dependence. The comments you made are a pretty good definition of co-dependence. And yes, I have ran a business, that's why I wondered if it was more of a hobby because most businesses are not successful with 20 hours a week. And I did mean what I said about keeping her mother from more qualified care. You suggested more care for her mother yourself. Your comment about me not realizing that Beck also needed care was way off base. I thought Beck needed care most of all. That's why I suggested therapy. When you envy your brother his unexpected death, you aren't in a good place to be taking care of a dependent. And last of all, I'm really sorry that you don't have friends. Care givers need friends and I find that they make good ones. That theory is just pure baloney. Look how quickly you and Irish and Beck have bonded. All you needed was someone to gang up on.
And Irish, I think anyone who can run a successful business with one hand, take care of a handicapped mother for seven years with the other (and have dogs) is intelligent enough to figure out when she can work into her schedule the time for a therapy session...especially knowing that it could make the difference in life and death. If Beck can think clearly, stay healthy and make good decisions, she will be able to take care of herself and her mother. If not, she might run away with the other brother.
We could discuss and debate our respective views, but I think the important issue now is that Beck has moved on to solutions.
I would be curious though how many elders or family members have you cared for, and/or is there someone caring for you now?
Again, thank you for sharing your insights and helping to clarify your position.
But, if it doesn't, you could have to do what is really best for her and necessary for you, even at the risk of making you "feel" like you are abandoning her or feeling guilty. If that never happens, and she passes away at home when her time comes, great, you never have to use a nursing home...but if that's not how it plays out and she does go into a facility, please don't beat yourself up, and realize that in some ways you will be nearly as involved as you are now.
It really is wrong for family to sit back and say they will give you NO help and NO respite because you "choose" not to place her and want to give care at home. Its an excuse from caring, and they probably would not do much more if she was somewhere else. Caring IS hard; balancing and coordinating work and caregiving is on mean feat, watching a loved one's decline is grief-filled and even harder, and people who are not as strong will grasp at opportunities to beg off if they think someone else has got it all under control. Sometimes you can find things they feel are easy enough for them to handle that actually take something off your do list...though you may have to get around the resentment that they don't step up to do more.
Lots of great advice on here.
vstefans brings up a very valid point. Even if your mother was placed somewhere these same people would than come up with excuses as to how busy they are and wouldn't visit her or assist you in anyway.
These are just excuses. You would hear them regardless.
My favorite is "well you chose this". No, one adult child steps up to the plate FIRST, and all of sudden it's all on them.
Or "I would rather remember them the way they were".....LOL. Nice try, but it's BS. Just say "I don't want to be bothered", until the will is read of course. Than they have the time.
Beck5699, I might would have someone conduct an evaluation to see exactly how much assistance your mom needs. Perhaps a professional could provide a written report that would aid you in determining if your plans will work or if your mom needs more at this point.