I have a serious issue going on here with myself. My 86 yr. old mother has been living with me and my husband since May. She is on Hospice care for a mass on her kidney. She had hip surgery, not replacement, and now cannot walk. She needs assistance to get to the bedside commode and in her chair.
I have a wonderful caregiver for her that comes 3 days a week while I work. My mother always makes up excuses why the caregiver shouldn't give her a bed bath or wash her hair. On my days off my mother than wants me to do this. First off, I am not comfortable giving my mother a full bath. I have, but reluctantly. I used to wash her hair, but now it gives me more time if the caregiver can do it. I am not being selfish, but I am very behind in getting things done in the house, grocery shopping and other things that need to be done. I can't even talk on the phone anymore. I'm not a phone talker to begin with, but I can't talk with my kids like I used to.
Today I have a sink full of dishes, laundry and need to clean my car out....I am a nanny and we have little trips we go on.
I have to wash my mom's hair and bathe her.
When I explain that is what the caregiver is for, she gets quiet and acts like a child. Then I feel guilty.
I feel resentful, frustrated, angry and guilty all at the same time. Then I just cry.
I have a sister in law who thinks helping is cooking dinner every few weeks and having a little party here and laughs everything off.
I am at the very end of a frayed rope. When I go out to the store or even after work, I have thought of just driving away.....just to keep going.
She hates my one dog and lets everyone know it.
I don't know what to do!!!!!
Her health seems to be fine except for her legs. The nurse always says her numbers are great. WTH!!!! Is this going to go on forever? I am 60 and love to enjoy my life.
I know many of you are going to say why did I take her?! I do love her, but never imagined my life would be taken away, even with a caregiver.
No negative or snide remarks please. You'll push me over the edge! lol
Thank you!!!!! and God bless!
I hope no one here says “Why did you take her?”! I took my mom in similar circumstances because I loved her and wanted to be sure that she’d receive good care, but when “good care” became having to sleep on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed because she REFUSED to call for help when she had to use the commode, and when I’d slept on that floor for MONTHS with no chance for respite, my husband, who also loved her dearly, put his foot down and insisted that a 24/7 aide be hired, and when THAT was only partly successful, I tearfully and regretfully placed her in a wonderful nursing facility in which she THRIVED for 5 1/2 years, until her death at 95.
If you have the strength left to do so, have a conversation with her, and lay down her new life plan, and stick to it. She is acting like a child because it’s working for her, and the only thing you are guilty of is allowing yourself to be manipulated, and YOU deserve better.
If you’re not yet researching a good nursing facility, start doing that now too. After assuming that my mom would die of a broken heart within 6 months of placing her, she lived 5 1/2 much better years than she’d lived during her previous 30. Her caregivers doted on her and she loved them back. I still remain in contact with some of them.
You will never be the caretaker you want for her if you’re caring for her at the expense of your wellbeing. No parent ever wants their care to be a source of damage to a beloved child.
Good luck, Prayers, and Hope.
As for the dog, I don’t tolerate anyone verbally or physically abusing my animals. They’d get the tongue-lashing of their lives. Mom has to know she is a “guest” but the dog is a permanent resident. The dog is going nowhere but if she finds him objectionable, you’ll be happy to make other living arrangements for her, not the dog.
Im not going to ask why you took her, but I am going to comment that things need to change before you crash and burn completely.
This upsets me. If your mother is that violent, you need to stop being the caregiver. Please don't subject yourself to this abuse. I don't know your full story, but she needs to be placed in a geriatric psych facility and given meds to calm her down.
she refuses care, she refuses to let me do anything, sometimes she is so mean I yell back something terrible which I feel Horrible afterwards. I am seeing a counselor which is helping but it is tough!
Ive tried to get her into assisted living but she was so awful to the workers there that it was humiliating. It was just a “lunch” there!!!
Ive learned to just have someone come in and leave. She figures it out with the aid. It is always pleasant. It’s just when I’M around she carries on. She doesn’t act this way around my husband either!!! JUST ME.
So, tell the help she needs a bath and her hair washed and LEAVE!
Goid luck❤️
into years of one crisis after the other. Some parents, whether from dementia
or from a long standing personality issue, demand constant attention.
You have to take care of yourself first and foremost to avoid serious burnout
and possible permanent health consequences. Not to mention disruption
of employment.
The sad fact is some parents regard their children as personal servants. Some
even use one child as unpaid servant in order to save money to lavish on others.
You have to look at your situation as it is, dementia vs childish demands,
excessive need for attention vs reasonable request. Might change from day
to day.
The harsh truth is that with demanding caregiving situations, if we're not
careful we can literally lose our lives in propping up a demanding unreasonable
and miserable person. Someone who can be cared for without losing yourself,
your health and finances, might still be miserable, but clean, fed and well cared
for and you, you can still be intact, happy and functioning.
They might not like the lack of red carpet treatment, the caregiver doing
the bathing instead of you for instance, but face facts, if you burn yourself
out trying to make them happy and doing everything, you likely will need
to contend with even more demands
I have provided care for other seniors who were gracious and grateful.
They knew they needed help and were appreciative that it was being
given. For those of us who could never please our parents growing up
or "get it right", caregiving an aging parent whose physical situation
makes endless demands of our time, provides a tempting chance to finally
"get things right this time." Dodge that carrot, do what's right for you
your family and your parent (s) . In balance with your resources, your time
your health and other demands.
They might not like it, but they probably won't like anything other than
24/7 devotion. Which is utterly unreasonable. Or, consider this, even
if you do "get it right", your parent might then proffer all of your time and
saved income to others.
Get real about your health, your mental health and what will keep your parent
well taken care of and still have you sane, healthy and happy. You deserve it
You need to tell Mom the aide is there for you as much as for her. That you will not be able to bath her on your days off. Those days are for getting caught up on chores. So she needs to allow the aide to bath her. I never felt guilty because bathing and toileting were not things I enjoyed. I get overwhelmed easily. I think thats why I am organized. Now I am older I don't take on more than I am capable of.
Is this mass life threatening?
The shortest route, if you can face it, is to harden your heart/nose about the bathing and hair-washing issue. My first guess would be that your mother doesn't like the way the c/g's do it, but with the greatest care and respect to her - tough! If there are issues such as choice of toiletries, method of drying, very personal things like that, encourage her to say honestly what she does like rather than criticise what they're doing wrong. If it's not liking complete strangers seeing her in the buff, reassure her that they are professionals, they are trained and discreet, and it's a lot less traumatic for them than it is for you!
If she's mean to your dog...
I wouldn't know what to do about that either :(
Except retort that at least the dog never gives you any trouble!
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