My husband has been offered a side job out of state at a premium wage. I need space from him to focus. I want him to go. He says he cannot because I swore at the Alexa over her Sunday and she heard and I would need to pick up the slack. I can not. Today he texted me, she is on a blood pressure pill a half a day, the facility did not see the "1/2" only saw 2 and gave her 2 pills a day.
My therapist says I am up to 43% mobility in my arm so I can not do very much.
I can not take care of her and he cannot not go if I can't. What do you do?
When all is said and done, try to get away by yourself. Even if its a weekend in a hotel. Pamper yourself. Make decisions where u life is going to go. What u will put up with, and what you won't.
I hope some of us have helped you. Take a break from us if you need to. But please update us on how your doing. We love updates.
Look, getting an elderly, not so cooperative indigent patient decent care IS rocket science, especially if you don't have friends, family and colleagues who've been down the path before.
In my case, I have friends who are nurses, social workers and geriatrics M.D.s. We had good doctors, stellar discharge planners AND mom was private paying, so no Medicaid snafus. I have 2 cooperative loving brothers AND a brilliant MBA sister in law who managed my mom's money.
AND I still ended up in tears at least once a week, on the phone, at work, trying to manage mom's meds, PT, dental and audiology appointments and other 'little things'. No one was asking me to show up to give insulin shots or clean bedsores.
This is a tough system to navigate for anybody. Have some compassion. And please remember that the OP has not a shred of say-so in any of this. It's her DH who is the POA and he doesn't listen.
I think we forget how traumatizing this whole aging care can be.
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Bandy, I have enough on my plate so please do not comment. I do not want to be upset by an anonymous person on the Internet.
I
Posting like 15,000 words is passive aggressive let alone including what op said months ago makes you sound passive aggressive. Plus what was that about how op didn’t like the serenity prayer?
All solutions other than a licensed skilled nursing facility were bound to fail and will fail again. She really has no say other than to continue limiting her contribution until this husbands family concludes their way of doing things has failed.
I'm not sure if the timing will be right for that long distance job now.
Take care of each other. It's been a long journey - this is life 💙
I am fortunate to be married to someone who understands that my need to sit quietly at times doesn't reflect anything about my feelings towards him.
Thank you.
MIL is in ICU with sepsis and Covid. There are alot of good-bye's right now. Why do people show up when they think someone is dying? It makes me angry.
I had a nightmare she pulls through and is worse than before. I am trying to keep my distance.
I feel terrible but need to do the best for me. Husband is doing a small job for my boss which he would never do before to distract himself.
My husband's childhood best friend overdosed last week so that has been weighing on him also.
It is all unfortunate.
I don't care how mean and nasty you are, no one deserves this kind of treatment. People on Medicaid should not be treated any different than those private paying.
Hopefully now MIL will be placed in the appropriate place. If so, all her needs will be met. She will have 3 meals a day. Her sores looked after and insulin given on time. Laundry done. Activities, Socialization, Entertainment. Doctor on staff. Dentist and eye doctor. Your husband will have the option to visit or not. You never have to see her again.
Once everything settles down, you can start making decisions on the way you want to take your life. I think for the marriage to work, you will need some counseling. If Mom is well cared for in another facility, that stressor is gone. But, even if this marriage goes on, I think you need a job. I think you need to save that money. DH needs to know that you have the ability to walk away anytime.
I want to tell you some honesty. Your husband is making you a convenient scapegoat. You're unable to take on the additional care his mother needs. Therefore it's your fault he can't take the job in the other state. He never wanted to take the job in the first place. Also, you want him to go.
How about the two of you start being honest with each other because your marriage is on the rocks.
When the scapegoating and knit-picking start, that's when it's scraping the iceberg. I was married twice and this is the truth. My first husband would always tell me I was the reason why he drank. The reason he drank was because he was an alcoholic with a thousand years of alcoholic family history back in Poland and in the U.S. It's the scapegoating.
See if your husband would go to marriage counseling with you. It's time for your MIL to be put on the back burner.
@MILHell - every time I read one of your posts I find myself feeling this overwhelming sense of claustrophobia and need to run - for you. I can't tell if your DH just doesn't get that he is pushing responsibilities off on you so that he feels like HE gets credit for them or if he has some overwhelming sense of duty and guilt that HE has to assuage and he is channeling/delegating that to you for some reason. In either case - I just don't even know what the right answer is.
I don't jump quickly to ending a relationship ever. But it seems to me that he doesn't have the ability HEAR anything you say when it comes to her. And this facility she is in sounds horrifying. And as if they are creating far more problems than they are addressing and she needs to be out of there yesterday. I'm actually happy to hear that she is in the hospital. This is an excellent time for everyone to reevaluate finding somewhere else for her to live (NOT WITH YOU!!!) She needs to be in a SKILLED nursing facility that can actually address ALL of her needs, so that no one from the family is having to make any medication runs or 4am wound runs - they should be able to address her needs period.
YOU need a full time break from MIL care. If your family needs the additional funds that your DH can bring in from taking that out of state job - he needs to make YOUR family a priority.
This situation CAN be righted but everyone needs to be on the same page and you need to be out of the equation altogether as a solution for their problems.
This is the opportunity for your H to make some changes.
IF your H decides to take the job out of state, why can't the 2 sibs take over MIL's care (oversight of care)?
It's occurred to me that maybe H would like to take the job out of state because he would be free from 4 a.m. bedsore duty. It would be a break for him.
The doctor's response to husband's suggestion to "take her off everything" should have neen a discussion about hospice, not anger.
Something is very wrong with this picture.
😥
And...? Does he think he is or isn't going out of town?
Tell me...surely YOU aren't going to report to the facility at 4 a.m. to dry mil's bedsores? Are you sure this isn't going to be the expectation for you?
What?? He HAS to?
That is CRAZY!
He is CHOOSING to based on his inability to trust others (maybe with good cause here..I dunno..)
DH needs a mental health eval the way he is going.
He has no choice in the matter, the Medicaid social worker needs to approve the transfer because they are paying for part of it. They will not pay for skilled care.
I thought the same as you but my husband left his phone on the counter when he was mowing the lawn. I looked at his call and email history and saw the repeated calls and emails. I now know he is telling the truth about trying to get it resolved.
The last month husband has taken Medical Leave from work to fix things. I think its worse now.
He has been helpful, vacuums and things I can't do. He took me to dinner last night to talk.
He spent all yesterday with her. The facility can only give showers at 3 am so he has to go there at 4 am to clean her tailbone sores.
Yesterday, the doctor had her get xrays because she fell two more times and she is bruised. The doctor took her off her patch and the oxycodin yesterday, he said they contribute to falls and facility mismanagement of medicine. My husband can be a jerk and asked the doctor why doesnt he take her off everything to speed things up. The doctor was mad at him over it. Today, he has been dealing with hallucinations, shakes, she cannot move and is crying over headaches and pain. The social worker and supervisor are not calling back.
He wants to go to work and go out of town to try to fix us. He just does not know what to do.
And I blindly just did it, despite the fact she hates me with a grand passion.
2 years ago I walked out of her home, and told her I was divorcing her and to NEVER ask me to do a single thing for her again. (There is a 45 yo backstory you wouldn't believe if I told you.)
Dh was FURIOUS, I was supposed to be as involved in her care as he was. Well, I asked him how long had it been since he saw/took care of MY mother and it had been over 5 years since he'd even seen her. I told him his mom was toxic (he knows this) and she barely can stand HIM, so why should I put myself in a position to be run down, shouted at and harassed? I said "If this means so much to you, to have this downtrodden, beaten up wife b/c you don't have the b@lls to stand up to her, then let's divorce and you can see how lovely THAT would be. I DO support you. I just don't do hands on for her and I NEVER will".
He is still mad at me and thinks I am selfish and he can think that if he wants to. I truly do not care.
Your DH is playing you and that makes my blood boil. He should cleave unto YOU and then mom. My own son puts his wife in front of ME and that is how I want it!!!
Do NOT let him guilt you into doing anything you don't feel is right. Including CG for a woman who doesn't appreciate you.
I feel for you. Your in a marriage with no support. I would say no because you have a good reason too. To keep the peace and give you some time to yourself though, I would do what I needed to do with the understanding that when he comes back, you are not expected to keep doing it.
Him being away will help you figure out if staying in this marriage is worth what you put up with. I read ur first post from May and you said you were 52 and MIL is 87 with dementia. You are not that old at 52. Do you work? If not, once your thru therapy, maybe get a job. The money you make goes into a bank account of your own. If your 52 you have 10 yrs before you can apply, at 62, for 75% of your SS, 15 yr, at 67, and you get 100% of your SS. If DH is collecting at that time, you get half of what he is bringing in.
While he is gone, consult with a divorce lawyer if you have money. Maybe Legal aid can give you an overview or a divorce lawyer will consult for free. You need to know what you are entitled to. Do you get any kind of alimony if you leave? How will your assets be split?
And if you leave, take half of the bank acct with you. Because once you file for divorce (this u can ask the lawyer) that money cannot be touched until finalization of the divorce. And if I left, it would be when I got all my ducks in a row, took my half of the checking/savings account and he was not there. I so hope you have parents/family that can help by giving you a place to stay. Then you can look for a job, get some money saved and get a place of your own. The way ur husband is, he may give you problems. You may have to give up things to get your freedom. He can't keep u from divorcing him, but he can contest what you want.
I sent up a prayer that all works out for you.
I would NEVER in a million years have expected my husband or one of my sisters in law to do the stuff you do for my mom.
They are a bunch of users and abusers. They also insult you and mock you on a fairly regular basis, I recall. I think it's high time you start listening to your docs and take care of yourself.
Not even god himself could get MIL out of this hell hole.
Your mil needs a skilled nursing facility licensed to give injections, and check for and prevent bedsores. Not some care home that tells families to bring food when something happens to their kitchen.
There is no hurry to rush your recovery, neither physically nor mentally. In fact, the more time you give dh and mil to figure it out without you, the more likely they will.
Use this excuse as long as you can.
Break this down;
1. "I can not take care of her" FACT. Tell DH. On repeat.
2. "he cannot not go if I can't"
You mean he thinks he can't go without you being backup, right?
Rubbish. He CAN go. He CAN make OTHER arrangements.
3. "What do you do?"
Communicate the above FACT & FICTION clearly to your DH.
Ask if he understands you?