I just discovered that my mother (87) has been concealing the fact that an unknown 50 year old man is living with her. What do I do?

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I just discovered that my mother (87) has been concealing the fact that an unknown 50 year old man is living with her. What do I do?

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I discovered by accident the other day that there is a 50 year old man from India living with my 87 year old mother. Mom, who lives in California just visited my house in North Carolina over Christmas and kept secret from me the fact that this man was living in her house. Until I discovered the other night when I called my mother heard a man in the room. Now she tells me that a 50 year old man moved in with her 3 months after my father died at 92 in April 2021. This man has been living with her since July secretly, helping her with "things". And my mother refuses to tell me 1) His Name. 2) Provide Identification... and 3) what her plans are with him for the future. So I am left with an unknown man living with my 87 year old mother and now the situation has estranged me from my mom. I am about to call the local Sheriffs Dept or FBI Elder abuse to find out who is living in my 87 year old mother's house 3000 miles away. I am very concerned that she has lied about it. -She was just in my house over Christmas and mentioned nothing about this unknown person. When my wife and I brought it to her attention tonight, Mom became very defensive and hostile. She refused to provide this man's name. As of this moment there is an unknown man from overseas, approx 50 years old living with my 87 year old recently widowed mother. I have no idea who he is. -And she is verbally abusive and hostile to anything I say about it. I'm about to call the local Sheriffs Dept and FBI Elder Abuse hotline. What should I do?

Elder Abuse Living Independently Long-distance Caregiving

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I think we have to assume this was a troll post...

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I would hope by now, you have been on that plane, and have your answers!

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jt145, you are still getting posts on this question. Do you have any other information for us? Have you checked on your Mom and her guest?

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Your mother lives 3,000 miles away from you. That's a long distance. If this 87 year old woman can get herself from California to North Carolina to visit you for Christmas, then she's got it together.
She's verbally abusive and hostile because they're probably in a relationship. Granted, he's probably using and scamming her for money.
My father got himself in a similar situation when he was your mom's age with a much younger woman. She was a criminal and scamming him. Once they moved in together and he put some things in her name, he saw her true colors. Only he didn't know how to get rid of her and he was living in abuse and too ashamed to tell anyone.
Talk to your mom and just tell her that you're not prying into her business. If she doesn't want to explain this man she lives with, she doesn't have to. But make sure she knows that if she's in trouble and living in a bad situation you will help her. Then wait and see what she does.

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I wouldn't bother calling the Sheriff's. I have a feeling they would tell you to take a hike. I understand your suspicion, but in the eyes of the law you're calling with "Hi, my 87yo mother was just visiting me and told me she has a new man living in the house from India (unless she flew him in from India, I don't see how that is relevant, you could come off sounding prejudiced) and she won't tell me anything about him.

At most they will do a welfare check. I think you need to go on your own, or ask a friend who lives closer. Does she have any friends you trust to check?

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An 87-year-old woman that has a magically appearing 50-year-old guy from India living with her. It really is almost certainly a scam situation. It reminds me of one of those reality shows where the person from another country wants to marry the American woman he met online and she's too blind to see the motive behind it, until he dumps her after he gets to the U.S. You absolutely must call the police. You must also call Adult Protective Services. Tell both of them that he is there, and she refuses to provide any information about him, and that you fear he is financially exploiting her and may be doing other things that potentially affect her safety. Mention that you question if she may have dementia or something else that prevents her from realizing what is going on. I have a background in criminal justice and when a person refuses to provide information about their identity or the identity of someone close to them, trust me, there is a reason. He may be wanted or have a history of doing this to other women. He could be some drug addict homeless person that now has free housing and access to everything she owns. When did he get in the U.S.? Where did they meet? Why does he want to live with an 87-year-old woman? Contact APS and the police immediately. Best of luck. I know it is hard from across the country. It sounds like you really need to plan a trip to California sooner rather than later. There is one other approach that may at least get some information out of her so that you can move forward with getting law enforcement involved. Can you call her and act really pleasant and maybe just ask how they are? If she gets hostile, calmly just say something like you just wanted to know how they are and how they are enjoying the 80-degree California weather since it's been so cold in N.C. Once she seems really calm, ask her what his name is so that you know how to address him, that you can't just say, "Hey you!" Ask about his job if he may work. Don't ask too many questions at one time. Any info at all that you get will help authorities. I agree with Lea, who said that those who fling the it's none of your business ideas around is absurd.

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dmarie,

Being elderly does not automatically mean APS has to be called in. That's ridiculous and also very insulting. People make mistakes every day. They also do very stupid things like get into relationships with criminals, scammers, abusers, etc... Yet nobody unleashes APS on them do they?
The OP's mom lives 3,000 miles away from her mother who lives alone. People will put up with a lot in a relationship because they don't want to be alone. Women and men alike who are half the mother's age or more are tolerating physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse every day from their partners because they're afraid to be alone.
The OP's mother even though she's old, has a right to live her life as she chooses. She can be in a relationship with who she wants and can spend her money as she pleases. Unless she's been declared mentally incompetent or diagnosed with dementia, she's an adult and can live her life how she wants.
Who knows? Maybe this young guy from India is a sugar-baby and the OP's mother knows it. It could be that he's nice to her and helps her out, so she pays for everything. That's how a sugar-daddy/mama sugar-baby relationship works.
The OP should just let her mother know that if her situation with this younger man goes sour she will help her. No judgments and no calling out the APS hounds.

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He could be stealing financial information..for starters. Was he hired as a caregiver from an agency or private? Is he paying rent? Is there a lease agreement? I’m very suspicious. Maybe you can take a few days off to go in person? Your mother can’t be left alone..she is vulnerable for a scam against her from this man .

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CaregiverL,

Really? The mother can't be left alone. How would you know this?
At 87 years old the woman was still able to get herself from California to North Carolina to visit her daughter. When my father was 87 he was still driving alone every winter from his home in New Hampshire to his place in Florida where he spent the winter golfing.
It being unsafe for a person to be left alone is very different than a person being lonely.
Loneliness doesn't make a person incompetent or incapable of taking care of themselves. It makes them lonely.
Every one of us is vulnerable to a scam of some sort or another. Scammers evolve every day to make their scams even more realistic and more believable.
If you or I got scammed or ripped off does that mean neither one of us could be left alone ever again?
No, it doesn't.
You are spot on about the OP taking a few days to go visit her mother. That's a good idea. Then she can see for herself what's going on and can do it without being intrusive and looking like she's investigating.

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The obvious answer is: go check it out for yourself. There are a lot of scams going on these days, but it could also be a mutual arrangement for the benefit of both parties.
My own great-grandmother (when she was a senior citizen) married a man from the Philipines who was many years younger than she was. I don't remember it because I was so young, but all family members have told the same story that they were very happy, even to the point of them putting a 'do-not-disturb' sign on the door when he visited her in the nursing home. I think it's great.
But, bottom line, you need to see for yourself.

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"There are a lot of scams going on these days"

hugs!

including this post i believe.
i think it's fake.

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OMG I would hire a private detective the very same day I heard a man in my elderly mother’s house and realized she was being sneaky, lying, evasive, and angry about simple questions.

Something is fishy here. Hire a private detective ASAP.

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My 76 year old grandmother eloped with and married a 46 year old man who had been working for her as a chauffeur. She had two daughters, my mother and my aunt. My mother continued her relationship with her mother including weekly Sunday dinners and ultimately daily visits. Her sister, my aunt, raged for 14 years and refused to visit my grandmother if her husband was home. Certainly their marital status differed from the “living together” described. But I always admired my mother’s continued support to my grandmother even though her husband was indeed a gold digging lout. Nevertheless, my grandmother received continued love and support from my mother and nothing but grief from her other daughter, my aunt. As grandmother aged, and needed 24/7 care, my mother was there every day to make sure my grandmother had all the care she needed. When my grandmother died there was plenty of time to fight over the will, etc. Point: our elders have every right to make decisions - even ones that we don’t like. But making their lives miserable does nothing but add to whatever misery their bad choices make. My siblings and I thank our mother for modeling respectful behavior toward her mother. She provided us with a truly wonderful life lesson.

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Too true.

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You can reverse search her address see who lives there and is getting mail there. Hire a private investigator if you want to, I worked with a man who was 78 and had a 8 year old when his 56 year old girlfriend suddenly died left him with the child it was quite odd but people live their lives. You can't call the police because you don't like something. You can get POA and make sure her money is protected I guess but he helps her with stuff he gets a place to live. Honestly I want some 50 year old living at my house to help me out, that would be awesome, so bugger off unless he is stealing from her.

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My brother is shacked up with a woman older then our mom.

27 year age difference between them. I can only imagine what her family thinks of the situation.

I wonder why we are so much more accepting of these May December relationships when it is an older man and a younger woman?

OPs profile says mom is 78 and question says 87, super curious which one is correct because I think it makes a difference. I know there are men that are into more mature women, to each his own.

I do think that you should go meet and greet mom's "roommate" because you just don't know until you do. Right now he is the boogie man and that isn't necessarily the reality.

I know that my brother gives his lady friend the best he has to offer and doesn't have any malicious intentions. Maybe your mom has been blessed to find someone that just needs love and wants to love.

I hope you find a lovely situation and moms not being exploited.

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Haven’t read the thread yet but I would go to moms house unannounced WITH a deputy sheriff. May be the only way you are going to find out anything. Besides recently being widowed, does she have any cognitive issues?? Liz

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Don't call the authorities. Show up and see what's up yourself.

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jt145please: Go to your mother's residence to see for yourself whether this man is out to do your mother harm. It's best not to make assumptions without factual knowledge, e.g. how did your mother befriend this man?, what are his motives? and the list could go on, but you won't know the story without seeing it with your own eyes. If your elderly mother is being sweetheart scammed, put a stop to it posthaste.

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Call local authorities with your suspicions. You might also need to have your mom checked for mental competency. It seems her judgment faculties are faulty.

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Don't immediately start flinging accusations of elder abuse around, for heaven's sake. Do you have any reason to suppose this person poses a threat to your mother? If you reacted as energetically as this when the subject came up I'm not surprised she doesn't want to talk to you about it. Respect her right to her own business.

Call APS for your mother's area, explain that you're concerned about her living situation given that she is a vulnerable adult and ask them to visit her for a welfare check.

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Hugh Hefner married 18 year olds into his 90s. If like Hugh your mom remains legally independent, the law can't stop her from doing the same.

I'd try for now to at least get a first name and working phone number for him in case she can't answer the phone.

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I read several responses and all I have to say is this: GET ON A PLANE THIS MINUTE AND GO SEE FOR YOURSELF WHAT TH IS GOING ON WITH YOUR MOTHER!

Advice that says this is 'none of your business' is absurd, imo. This is your elderly mother we're talking about and to say it's none of your business is leaving her to possibly *and probably* be grossly taken advantage of here. God knows what the details are of this situation, and how a 50 year old man convinced her to take him in, but I seriously doubt he has good intentions or is 'helping her' in any way without expecting something in return. Maybe in the fantasy Disney movies things work out that way, but in real life in 2022 in California, I doubt it. A lot.

If this is a true story/post, and if this was my mother, I'd have been on a plane at hearing the first word about this.

It's also odd that she's very hostile towards you when you ask questions about this man's identity. What is she trying to hide? If he's a friend, and someone who's genuinely helping her with things around the house, why is she so secretive? That's my question.

Go find out for yourself and don't rely on anyone else to do your homework for you.

Good luck and do come back to let us know what happened.

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Amen, Lea!!!

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This is another possible (if unlikely?) scenario. If the question is on the level, it might suggest other ways for OP to deal with a situation that sounds like a real shock.

Scenario: Mother was out shopping and had a small accident. A person helped her and got her home. They got talking, and he asked if there was anything else he could do to help. He had no local relatives, and nowhere good to stay. She offered him the spare room. It worked out well for both of them. Mother knows you don’t like foreigners, would want to intervene in this, and she decided to keep it a secret from you. She wasn’t wrong – your reaction is very strong, very disapproving, and is going to involve every government department you can think of. He may in fact be an illegal immigrant – more disapproval, but it doesn’t actually make any difference to the situation. He may be a pleasant, helpful, grateful person. Mother may be the opposite of grateful for your intervention. He may be removed, and you may find that she does need more help. You may find yourself up to your neck in alligators trying to work out what to do next.

How would you choose to go if this is the way it really is?

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that's a nice scenario that I've never seen in real life. Nice helpful people, sure! mutual repect and caring among stranger? sure! this scenario of a foreigner decades younger moving in on a recently widowed woman and not being a scam for lodgings and manipulation...eh, no.

How would you choose to go if he rode a unicorn to his waiting helicopter? lol

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You must call the authorities right away.
If he is taking advantage of her that is elder abuse and you could call Adult Protective Services.
If you are POA or Guardian you could have your Mother take a Psych Exam and see how competent she is and then something could be done.
You need to know if he is stealing from her, has he sold some of her things, how does her bank account look? All these things.
Call the authorities and go from there.

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That's a pretty common sweetheart scam that targets recent widows or widowers.

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Oh HELL no. I would be on a plane STAT if I were you to have a face to face with this man. Don't tell your mother you are coming. Just show up as a surprise visit. This man needs to know she has a family that will hunt him to the ends of the earth if need be. The fact that he is from oversees is particularly alarming as he could be robbing your mother blind and vanish overnight. This is not a normal situation.

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i agree with you, caregiverstress.

OP however has posted nothing; not even thanks for the concern from many people here.

i think OP invented the story.
it's fake.
it's like trying to create a suspense story, and get people hooked on what happens next.

a real person of course flies over to the parent, to get this stranger out.
a real person doesn't waste time on forums about such an issue. they act right away, call the police, neighbours, etc.

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I'd be VERY concerned were this my mom.

Mon is 92 and looks every second of it, yet she is convinced that every single man she meets 'wants her'.

I think it's great that she has a good self image, despite what the mirror shows--but if she suddenly had a 50 yo man living with her, that would be of serious concern.

Is there a friend or neighbor you can call? I hate to sound unkind, b/c maybe this guy is really a great guy (I doubt it, as do you, right?) but you need to protect mom.

Best would be boots on the ground--going there and seeing for yourself.

This is a new one on all of us--I hope you'll come back and let us know how it goes.

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My mentally ill aunt informed the family a while back (she was probably around 70 at the time and looked MUCH older) that 20 year old males had recently been hitting on her. She was overjoyed and took it as a sincere validation and it had been a pattern through life - every man wants her. And, if they don't want her, she will con them into wanting her. If anything, the 20 year olds probably weren't taught respect by their parents and figured she was just an old person and entertained each other by "flirting" with her. My hope would be that she would know not to move one of them in with her.

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jt145, sure do hope you will update us on this one. Fascinating situation, really.

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Call the cops and APS. Cam you go there and assess for yourself? Check with others there who know her?

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Think teenager for context. You couldn’t be doing a worse thing than confronting your mom.

Somewhere in the conversation you need to tell her you are afraid. That you love her. That you want nothing bad to happen. That you feel irresponsible to not check on her. That your feelings were hurt that she hid this from you. You don’t blame her for not trusting you as you reacted as she was afraid you would. You will work on it.

Ask her to help you understand what is going on so you won’t worry. Dig deep. You need to mean it. She will probably know if you are lying. She is your mother.

I understand your concern but I can tell you that it wouldn’t go well for any child of mine to start treating me like I couldn’t make my own decisions. I’m sorry you have this stress to deal with.

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Besides the concerns already expressed by others, I also wonder if this man is part of a scam, preying on an older woman who recently lost her husband.   Did your mother mention anything about him telling her he's in love with her?

I'm assuming that you have no access to her accounts, to determine if funds are being withdrawn?

Do you know any of the neighbors who could provide you with information on this man, assuming that he interacts with them?   Or perhaps discreetly take a photo of him so that facial recognition could be used by law enforcement to identify him?

When she visited you, did she mention whether neighbors were getting her mail?   That would be one method of determining his name.

I certainly would contact the local police and/or sheriff, as well as the local agency that makes welfare checks. Perhaps some attention from the local LEOs might prompt him to reconsider whatever his plan is, as I have a strong suspicion that he does have one, and it's to benefit him and him only.

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If your mother is purposely hiding from you the fact that he has a strange man living in his house, it shows that she is still smart and not suffering from a dementia at this moment. However, she might have started to develop poor judgement. Even though she is legally competent to invite to her home whoever she wants. This is a red flag, that her decision-making ability might be compromised. This is important because she could be having the same trouble when making other important decisions. I agree that for her own protection you should insist in identifying such guest. It's hard to tell if your mother is showing a normal cognitive decline due to aging, or whether she is has started to develop early signs of dementia. If there is a question about her poor judgement, a neuro-psychological test should be performed. It could offer more light on her current thinking processes. If the test is normal, you could disregard the incident.

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Yes. Really like what you said. She is likely competent. But what about her poor judgement here? And without really TALKING to her or going there I don't see how she can know that. I think this may be a warning sign to take seriously. My fear is that the daughter's reaction is going to push Mom away in anger. Were I the daughter I would be taking leave from work, like today. And on the first plane there.

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Call the police and ask for a welfare check. Tell them exactly what's concerning you, too. Leaving her alone with that man after the check is not a good idea either, so ask their advice as to what to do if they are turned away.

The fact that your mother has been secretive and gets hostile indicates she is not 100% competent, or she's being exploited or threatened. The timing in particular is extremely concerning.

Contact her bank and any other financial institutions as well to alert them, although I'm not sure what you can do without POA. Nevertheless, it puts her on their radar that something might not be kosher.

You are correct to be concerned.

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I just discovered that my mother (87) has been concealing the fact that an unknown 50 year old man is living with her. What do I do?

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