I discovered by accident the other day that there is a 50 year old man from India living with my 87 year old mother. Mom, who lives in California just visited my house in North Carolina over Christmas and kept secret from me the fact that this man was living in her house. Until I discovered the other night when I called my mother heard a man in the room. Now she tells me that a 50 year old man moved in with her 3 months after my father died at 92 in April 2021. This man has been living with her since July secretly, helping her with "things". And my mother refuses to tell me 1) His Name. 2) Provide Identification... and 3) what her plans are with him for the future. So I am left with an unknown man living with my 87 year old mother and now the situation has estranged me from my mom. I am about to call the local Sheriffs Dept or FBI Elder abuse to find out who is living in my 87 year old mother's house 3000 miles away. I am very concerned that she has lied about it. -She was just in my house over Christmas and mentioned nothing about this unknown person. When my wife and I brought it to her attention tonight, Mom became very defensive and hostile. She refused to provide this man's name. As of this moment there is an unknown man from overseas, approx 50 years old living with my 87 year old recently widowed mother. I have no idea who he is. -And she is verbally abusive and hostile to anything I say about it. I'm about to call the local Sheriffs Dept and FBI Elder Abuse hotline. What should I do?
Is your mother competent?
If so, none of this is your business unless she MAKES it your business.
You certainly, if you suspect your Mom is no longer mentally competent, can ask APS to make a wellness check.
Otherwise how about a little straight up honesty instead of trying to do a power play. How about:
"Mom, I am concerned. I am not concerned to learn that someone is living with you, but rather I am concerned that you didn't want to tell us about this. Can you tell me a bit about the gentleman currently living with you? Are you feeling that you need care, need someone with you; is that the reason he is there? Or is this a friend who is now a roommate of sorts, and helps you with shopping, groceries and so on? If we come and visit you would that be OK, and could we meet this gentleman? This is all your own business, and if you are fine and you don't wish to discuss this with us, then this is your business as well. Just to say we are concerned BECAUSE you didn't mention this to us, and that doesn't seem normal given you were here visiting us."
Something like that.
Again. Is your Mom competent? She was just there visiting you. You have known her all of your life. Is this typical of her behavior? Do you now, once you found out this man IS living there, how did Mom explain that).
Again, feel free to call APS. But if APS calls you back and says "Yup. Mom's just fine. She has rented a room to this gentleman and all seems just fine" or "she has a roommate who is helping her with groceries and appointments and shopping and cleaning and yard work and handiwork in exchange for his room" WHAT THEN? What will you do then?
Can you not speak with your mother about this without starting out with the authorities?
I am 80. I am competent. And I would not hide anything from my daughter who lives 3 states away, but then I TRUST her, and we are CLOSE. But let me tell you this, if I didn't trust her and we were NOT close, I might hide just about anything at all, and heaven protect her if she go over my head in this manner. The outcome, for HER, would not be good. Because yes, he may be "illegal". And he may be picked up and he may be removed from your Mom's house. And that day may be the last you speak to your Mom.
I would try another tactic other than the FBI first, I can tell you. Like "Mom, can you see how I am not there, can't meet this gentleman, am made fearful by your keeping this secret? Please talk to me, or let me come talk to you and this man, so that I can be reassured that you are safe. I have never had reason to question that you are just fine, but this situation is MAKING me question that. I want to keep this between the two of us, but I am fearful for you, and if you don't talk to me I WILL be forced to call authorities to check this situation out".
At least then, Mom will be forwarned that you are setting the dogs out.
At this point even if you have POA and its immediate, if no Dementia, she can make her own decisions. She can always revoke the POA.
I don't think calling the police will be fruitful because there is no evidence of a crime. And not sure APS will look very deeply for evidence, either, especially if your mom appears cogent and there's no signs of physical abuse or hoarding, etc. THey let extreme hoarders stay in their filth-filled homes because they "seem" in their right minds, so pardon me if I don't have a lot of faith that they'll be helpful in this situation. Also, if she suspects you're the one who called, she may cut off all communications with you. This would be a very bad outcome.
If I were in your situation I'd invest the time and money to travel there for 1 week to put my own eyes on things (and don't tell her you're coming and do not make it contentious in any way). You need to head off a crisis. IF she lets you in the house and you come in contact with the man, then he realizes he is on YOUR radar in a serious way. If he's a legal American citizen (or has a legit green card) then that house is his legal residence and he'd need to be evicted by the owner (your mother). I may also consider contacting ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) or the police for guidance on what to do if you suspect this person may not be in the country legally. The answer may be you can do nothing without actual proof. But, I would work this angle hard since it may turn out to be leverage.
Are you your mother's PoA? If not, is anyone? If you are her PoA please read the document to see when/how your authority is activated. This gives you the ability to actually do something to protect your mother against herself. If she has no PoA, I'd spend the visit trying to help her see the benefits of assigning one (even if it's not you, but your wife or a more "neutral" person that is trustworthy -- this is better than no one). I wish you success in working through this situation!
The question, really, is this someone mom has invited to stay with her, or is this someone who is squatting and she sees no way to get him out. Without losing "face" and a "helper".
Is there someway for you to have a face to face with mom alone to find out what her true feelings are?