4 years ago my mom had a series of strokes and totaled her car which precipitated a dementia diagnosis and move to memory care and hospice. As the only child, I have zero help managing her affairs (dad passed shortly before her accident). I am also maintaining her vacant home when I come for visits every 2-3 months. I was just kicking the can putting any decisions off thinking the doctor was right she would pass shortly. That never happened. I am left feeling split in two because I have responsibility to both households and a stressful job I have to meet by myself.
I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if they felt isolated leaving their life behind to move closer to ailing parents. I should note that I'm only 39 and feel like I'd be losing my prime earning years if I move down there, since there are few career prospects where my mom lives. She does not want to move where I live. We also don't have the greatest relationship (never have) so I feel great resentment towards her. Her sisters give me grief for not doing enough. Of course they offer no help.
I just feel like this is an impossible situation with no good answer.
Mom's desire not to move closer to you does not equate to you giving up your life, family and livelihood.
Use the proceeds from mom's house to hire a geriatric care manager. Tell your aunties that your life matters and that if they want you more involved, then they need to convince their sister to re-locate.
The "desires" of the elder do not trump the needs of the employed.
Isn't homeowners insurance costing a fortune? Does that company know mom's house is sitting empty? And won't she at some point need proceeds from the house to pay for her care?
It sounds as if you are in a fortunate situation. Hire a geriatric care manager, aging life specialist, to check in on mom as needed. Plan a trip down there, get help lined up, to clean out her home. A good broker can help you find all the resources you need to get the house business burden of the past.
The broader, more general do/not do that you really need to hear from someone, though, is this:
STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU.
STOP SACRIFICING YOURSELF TO OTHERS' PREFERENCES.
You are in charge of your life and destiny. That other people have opinions and preferences on what is necessary for you to live a happy, healthy, stable, financially secure life is irrelevant.
E.g., your parents said they did not want you to sell their house for their care: SO WHAT. Neither of them is living in it any more, and it's a silly request anyway given the circumstances. You are not responsible for taking care of another person's home or responsibilities just because they are unable and don't wanna let something go. Your life is more important than another's ego, and it is no longer their decision to make. They no longer get a vote. You understand what their preference was when they were responsible; now YOU are the one doing the work and sacrificing. The decision is YOURS.
E.g., your mother's sisters wouldn't understand if you prioritize your actual life rather than maintaining the possessions and preferences of someone else: SO WHAT. Their opinions are not factors on which you should base your life's direction and security. Let them gripe to each other all they want; in fact, encourage them to do so so they'll leave you alone. If needed, stop taking their calls, block their emails, whatever. They do not get a vote. The decision is YOURS.
Had anyone's preferences up until you had to take over been so strong and so important that they were absolute requirements for some reason, then THEY would've handled putting things into place themselves so their preferences could be maintained on their own. Absent that, you must do what you need to do in order to prioritize your life and survival FIRST. After that, whatever preferences that can be accommodated can get worked in. But those first principles are undebatable. They are up to YOU.
I know realizing your autonomy and taking the reins is all way easier said than done. I've gotten my butt kicked having to make this realization myself, so I fully empathize. I'm often struggling in that regard. But what makes this forum extraordinary is the repeated reminders to stop letting other people's decisions and personal preferences determine YOUR destiny.
You are in charge. Act like it.
On a practical note, you don't need to go down there to hire local help for your mother. Call a few of the elder law attorneys in her area and ask them who they recommend in the area for geriatric care management and "concierge services." From their you can interview people remotely via phone, Zoom, etc. Local elder law attorneys are a great source because they regularly have to hire geriatric care managers for their own clients, so you've got a better chance of finding someone trustworthy faster and who has been vetted and licensed since their own firm's rep is also on the line.
You are in charge. Act like it.”
thanks for all your words in your message above, tidalblue. :) :)
you’re helping me. :) :)
Why are you maintaining her house? Will it eventually have to be sold to pay for her care?
I did not move my folks to my area, they would have never agreed anyway, nor did I move back home. I made the long drive as needed, did what I could, got their finances and affairs in order.
As soon as I FINALLY got them placed in care I hired a local handyman with a truck. We cleaned the place out and I sold it AS IS in two weeks. The money paid for their care for the next few years.
You are far too young to let this derail your life. You must do what needs to be done for mom but just as important do what needs to be done for you as well. Don’t destroy your life out of some misplaced sense of guilt and obligation.
It’s really hard. I wish you the best.
See All Answers