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I’m sorry to hear this you must tell your father how you feel and how much stress it’s causing you. He must know that he must contribute if he wants you to help him without placing him in another location. It’s his choice. Than you will not feel guilty. I know it’s very hard but let him know. Please pray pray. God Bless you and your family.
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Hi, the VA has a caregiver support program with all kinds of resources, including a support line for when you need some advice.

https://www.caregiver.va.gov/

I have called and spoken to them and they’ve been very helpful. They very much understand what you are going through. They can help arrange respite for you as well.

Also, the Elizabeth Dole foundation (https://hiddenheroes.org/find-help/respite/) provides grants for caregiver respite as well. It’s easy to apply for and could be a good option if your dad won’t spend money to help you get a break. You cannot give up your life completely! Be frank with him about the burden you are feeling. If he really is of sound mind he must be able to understand your struggle. Best of luck to you.
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MM you said "Even though I went to work for a few hours yesterday and he fell in the bathroom. It is only a matter of time before he breaks something and that will be it" and (fortunately or unfortunately) you are 100 percent right. I also have a parent who should not be at home alone but I can do nothing at this point except wait for a trip to the hospital. The waiting is torture sometimes.

At that point you absolutely spring into action, so be ready. You refuse 100 percent to bring him home, stating over and over that it would be an unsafe discharge. The hospital and social workers may threaten you, shame you, or make promises for help but stand your ground. Follow your heart and be true to what you know is right for him.
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Thanks Cwillie. Wise indeed and so TRUE. He is not enrolled in hospice. He refuses and plans to fight until the end even if the fight prolongs his pain and suffering:-(
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Kristine, Welcome to the world of caregiving. You are not alone in your roller coaster of emotions. Most of us are or have been on the ride with you, you just haven't seen us.
Have you had your dad evaluated by his MD for hospice care? It may be time and if he is on Medicare (I am not sure about Medicare Advantage), they will pick up the cost (or most of it).
Give yourself a pat on the back, know that you're not an a****** but are allowed a****** moments.
Hugs to you. We got your back.
Tynagh
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Is hospice involved yet? Have you contacted your department of aging? Who has Power of Attorney? What are all the programs available from the VA for your father? Does he have a case worker yet? Social Worker? Have you contacted the American Cancer Society yet? They were so much help when I was caring for my mother with stage 4 colon cancer-great resource. What is his medical treatment team like-anyone there you can talk to? My mother's nurse practioner cancer specialist, was so much help.
Respite care for you-ASAP! You can't help, if you're too sick to help from being a caregiver. Something that is very real and must not be ignored.
Keep coming back here, lots of folks will have alot to say.
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mastiffmama Apr 2022
Thank you so much for your reply. Hospice is not involved yet. He is still of fairly sound mind and still wants to fight and continue chemo even though it is killing him. The Dr temporarily took him off chemo last week because he is too weak to continue right now. A cat scan is scheduled for next week which should tell us if the cancer has spread even more or if the chemo is helping. Seeing how far downhill he has gone recently, I am preparing myself for the worst. He is in complete denial He still thinks he will get better despite myself and the Dr's trying to prepare him. It is gut wrentching to watch. He just will not give up at all. He is willing to do any and all treatment available. I don't think he will ever agree to hospice unless he starts becoming delusional and I can step in as his Healthcare POA.

We do have a caseworker through the VA and finally got 16 hours a week of home healh aide approved which would've allowed me to still go into work but that was before he started falling. Now he cannot be home alone at all. He refuses to pay out of pocket. I literally told him last night that if he wants to stay in his house he will have to pay for extra care or go into a nursing facility (the VA covers 100% of that). He just ignores me and says he'll be fine by himself until I get home from work. Even though I went to work for a few hours yesterday and he fell in the bathroom. It is only a matter of time before he breaks something and that will be it and I have told him that. UGH He is the most stubborn obstinate man. I feel like I am losing my mind at times:-(
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Hi Kristine.
Let your dad know that the caregiver is there so you can work and not worry about him.
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Welcome, MastiffMama!

Do you have POA for finances and healthcare?

In the end, we lied to mom and told her everything was being paid for my Medicare.

Do you have Hospice services?

YOU are not the a$$hole here. You are having anticipatory grief at losing your dad. He needs a higher level of care than you ALONE can give him.

Is it possible he's got metastasis to the brain and he's not thinking clearly?

If he is still clear-headed, I might consider telling him he has a choice--move to a facility or hire caregivers. Because YOU aren't going to destroy your health over this.

Please ask him what he's saving the money for.

AND consider talking to a social worker (through hospice or not) to get you into problem solving mode. (((((Hugs)))))))
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mastiffmama Apr 2022
I do have POA of finances but he is still of fairly sound mind and taking care of his own finances. He would definitely know if I paid it out of his accounts. He stays completely on top of that down to the penny.

He has esophaeal cancer with mets to the lungs and liver. We have a scan next week to show if it has progressed further. He will never agree to hospice. He already told the Dr last week that if the scan shows this chemo is not working he definitely wants to go onto step 2. He refuses to give up which of course is a good thing but with this cancer it is just heartbreaking to watch!!

After his fall yesterday, I did tell him he has 2 choices, pay out of pocket for additional home health aide hours or go into a nursing facility (which the VA covers for him). He just ignored me and said he'd be fine. It is maddening. I feel as though I am losing my mind:-(
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A wise person on the forum has said there can be no new solution as long as YOU are the solution. Dad, I can't keep doing this alone anymore, I'm stepping back and you need to decide what happens next because this is KILLING ME.
Are you enrolled in Hospice care?
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