I moved my mother in with me in November’23. She has been on a slow to moderate decline. She refuses to be seen by a neurologist.
I’ve tried to get her seen by a neurologist to get her an official dementia diagnosis. She becomes absolutely irate whenever I mention it. She insists her memory is being affected by “all the stress”. What stress?! She doesn’t have to lift a finger. She likes doing dishes and keeping house. She has a support dog who doesn’t require anything except to be fed twice a day (his meals are already prepped in containers and all she has to do is dump it in his bowl) and she goes outside MANY times a day to smoke and sit on the porch swing. She’s relatively healthy otherwise for a 76 year old who smokes as much as she does. Only on eye drops for glaucoma and cataracts. She’s VERY demanding. Has no filter and can be very nasty. She has absolutely nothing, no assets. I have nothing and can’t afford to get her into any type of alternative living arrangement.
I am living separately from my daughter and husband because mom and husband have never gotten along and we don’t have room in our home for her. To add to that, my husband was just diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer 8 weeks ago.
I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do with her.
You will have to explore options.
Given you have taken her in, you have painted yourself into a very difficult corner.
You will have, I am afraid, you use your husband's illness as an "excuse" that you need to return and your first obligation is to him.
Since your mom isn't diagnosed you can let her make her own decisions on where she will move, to an ALF or an efficiency in the area.
If she is unable to care for herself in, say, that latter, she will have to be reported to APS who will have to decide how/what to do.
I caution you not to take on POA for someone uncooperative. If you have done so, now is the time to resign BEFORE any diagnosis of incompetency.
The truth is that living together isn't working for you.
You must be honest about that. It isn't open to argument. It's a simple fact.
This won't be easy. There will be tears and rage. You have taken her in and I would imagine that without any care contract or shared living expenses. This is about to get messy I am afraid.
The good news here is you are an RN and have access to Social Workers. USE THEM.
Fortunately, my husband and children got along well with my mom, but it’s still hard to live with others. Mom lived in our house for many years.
The fact that your husband has cancer and you aren’t with him is absolutely awful for each of you. How old is your daughter? You must miss being with them horribly. I’m so sorry that you have endured this.
My husband has gone through cancer too. He was diagnosed shortly before mom died.
Mom was already placed in her end of life hospice care home. We didn’t tell her about his diagnosis because it would have upset her terribly.
I am glad that I was able to support my husband through his cancer treatments.
I am sorry that your mother is showing signs of decline and that she is in denial.
She isn’t able to acknowledge the reality of losing her cognitive ability. I wouldn’t count on her ever admitting that something is wrong.
There has to be another way for your mom to be cared for. As Geaton said, start with contacting Council on Aging in your area. Have them do an assessment of her needs.
They can help guide you through the process of what possible solutions are available for you.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
In the meantime, if your Mom has any kind of health episode, like she becomes very paranoid or disoriented, call 911 and insuate that she may have a UTI or stroke (don't tell them you think it's dementia or they won't come because that's not considered life threatening and they can't fix it). Once in the ER you go there to make sure they know she's an "unsafe discharge" and that you are not her caregiver and that your husband is sick with cancer and ask to talk to the hospital social worker. No matter what promise the discharge people make to help you if you take her back, don't believe it. NO. The unfortunate name for this maneuver is called an "ER dump", but it may be something that works to solve your problem.
I wish you success in getting her out soon and healing for your husband.