I need advice. What my are rights? Should I contact an attorney?
Hi everyone,
You may remember me from some previous questions/posts. I need advice on what to do. I am in a very difficult situation with my Mother. She has always been a very narcissistic and manipulative woman. We have never had a relationship, but I was her only living child left to provide her care and it's difficult. Below is a link to one of my last posts.
Anyway, last Wednesday 3/30/2022 night I had to call 911 yet again for my Mother who was residing with me and I was her sole caregiver. She was ill and transported to the nearby hospital, where they found that she was having a severe COPD flare up and also a UTI. She was admitted to the hospital and stayed there until Sunday night 4/3/2022. I had told the case worker that I wanted her to go to a skilled nursing facility because she could not return back home. They made the arrangements and Sunday night 4/3/2022 she was transported to the SNF. Well I received a call from The Office of Senior Services yesterday afternoon stating that there is an investigation concerning elder financial abuse. I have not used any of my Mom's finances other than things that were needed to care for her, such as personal hygiene products, adult briefs and medications and that was with my Mom's permission. I have had her help with groceries and other necessities as she was part of our family household. There have also been accusations of other abuse. I need to know what my rights are and if I should contact an attorney, and what type of an attorney should I consult with about this situation. My husband wants to persue a lawsuit against her for my emotional pain and suffering stemming from my childhood to date. Because of this woman who birthed me, I suffer from severe major depression, PTSD and anxiety. She was never a Mother and she has made my life a living HELL. I followed what her neurologist and told me. He told me that eventually she was going to need to go to the hospital and once admitted I could refuse to bring her back into my home.
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And as Barb said "Your mother sounds vengeful and spiteful. Do not ever be alone with her or allow her back into your home" . When I was investigated, based on complaints from two twisted sissies" the investigator closed the case and told me that the sissies complaints were nothing but spite and vengefullness! Good job, Barb!
Follow attorney's instructions.
Be sure and explain that you cut off activities because she was diagnosed with dementia and her executive function was obviously compromised, proven by the excessive amount of gambling losses. Everything you did was for her safety.
I wouldn't offer them that you had to raise your voice frequently. Sometimes we need to not tell everything in the day to day dealings of a demented mind. You can't understand unless you were there, so it can be misunderstood.
When my dad would accuse me of things and others felt the need to tell me, I would sigh and say "I know." It told people that I wasn't surprised by his false accusations and I had nothing to defend against. You are in those shoes, you have nothing to defend against.
It is okay to be shook up about this whole situation. Just try not to defend yourself by offering to much information, it looks like you are trying to justify something.
They will probably come to your home but, you can require that it be a scheduled appointment and have your husband present to help keep you on point. He should park his anger at your mthr and just hold your hand. Arraign a word in advance that can be said to help you stay calm and get back to the questions.
Most importantly, listen to the questions very carefully and only answer the actual question. If you don't fully understand, say so, make them clarify what it is they are asking.
I want to send you a great big warm hug full of strength, courage and wisdom to help you be strong as you go through this. I have no doubt that you are still reeling from the shock of yet another viscous attack from this thing you call mom. Remember to breathe and remember that you didn't do what she is accusing you of.
You can do it!
That said, I would heed Barb's advice. When APS comes knocking at your door, keep it professional, not emotional. Do you have mom's Lewy Body diagnosis in writing? If so, I would have that handy when they come. Be cooperative. It's ok to be upset and/or mad about an allegation being made against you - that's normal. However, DO NOT get *overly* emotional or go into a diatribe with them about your history with mom. First off, they don't care. They have seen enough heartbreaking family situations. When you investigate things of this nature, you form a "shell" around your emotions. You have to, in order to be able to do your job and keep your sanity. Weeping and wailing about how evil your mom is (which she absolutely is) is not going to sway them one way or another.
Secondly. the more you tell them how evil mom is/was to you, the more they might think "hey, maybe there's something to this allegation; maybe there's some abuse here done out of spite". You KNOW you haven't been stealing mom's money, and you have the proof you need right in the bank statements. At least with an accusation of financial abuse it's easier to prove it didn't happen than, say, an allegation of abuse such as withholding food or medication. It's not APS' first rodeo with an unfounded complaint made by a spiteful, dementia-addled elder; I would not be surprised if by the time they come to talk to you they have already 99% decided the complaint in unfounded. It's your job to ensure you don't "talk them" into changing their minds about it.
By all means, for your own peace of mind, hire a lawyer to help defend you against these allegations. But suing mom? That will only drag out the relationship, and only you can decide if it's worth that. If not, after the investigation is over, cut all ties with her. Ask the lawyer if you will need to formally evict her (as Geaton suggested) in order to protect yourself from her signing herself out and coming back to your house. And find someone to talk to about this, so you can start healing and live the life you deserve to live without the specter of this evil woman overshadowing your every day.
Start collecting all your and your mom's financial records and be prepared to show that you've spent her money on her housing, food and care. Do not be defensive.
Your mother sounds vengeful and spiteful. Do not ever be alone with her or allow her back into your home.
As others have said, be transparent with the finances. It's completely okay that she paid for things, APS isn't going to view that as a problem.
Keep your feelings out of it, make it about mom's medical condition and that she is angry because you can no longer have her in your home. Act like this accusation is par for the course of dealing with her, which it is. You know that you are NOT an abuser, she is and she's projecting herself onto you.
I do encourage you to walk away. She can become a ward of the state and they will make sure she has a roof and care. She doesn't deserve one more kindness from you, ever.
She is missing something vital in her soul to blame a 7 year old for the traumatic abuse. Let her have the life she created.
Time to consider yourself an orphan and heal so you can be the best you.
She did this and now she gets to deal with the consequences all by herself.
Great big warm hug! You got this, it's going to be okay.
Years ago, I was investigated for child abuse.
My first husband had an explosive temper and abused me, both mentally and physically. But he told me it was my fault, and some part of me believed that.
Something set him off one day and he started hitting my 16 year old daughter. I tried to stop him but he physically shoved me to the floor. My 24 year old son called 911. They told him to cut it out.
My daughter went to her H.S. guidance counselor the next day and reported what had happened. The GC called me to tell me that he HAD to call CPS (which I knew, because I was also a mandated reporter).
The nice CPS ladies showed up 2 days later. They talked to my ex, my daughter and me separately.
One of them said one of the most useful things to me. "Honey, if you don't make him leave, you're going to lose your licence."
Oy, I'd never thought of that.
After they left, I told my (then) husband to leave. I had never been brave enough to do that. He always told me that if we divorced, he'd get the kids because I was crazy.
And I believed him.
I told him he had to leave because I could lose my licence. He said "you love your licence more than me."
I finally saw how crazy HE was.
I told him yes, that was true.
So, having APS/CPS can be instructive, useful, cathartic and pretty simple.
Take heart. Good luck and keep us in the loop! (((((Hugs)))).
Hopefully, you have kept records of what you spent out of her money. From what you have said, though, its not enough to amount to financial abuse. My Moms bank statement was proof enough. The money went in and out. If I spent out of pocket I wrote a check at the end of the month and put the receipts in an envelope with the ck# on it.
Normally with APS we say wait for the first meeting before hiring a lawyer. It may be the accused is found not at fault but in your instance a lawyer consultation at least may be needed. You need to know if you have a right to keep Mom from coming back to your house for one thing. I would also find out, if she remains in the SNF, how can the State take over her care. This way, you no longer have to deal with her.
" I saw that my Mom was calling me from her cell phone, so of course I answered her call because I was waiting to hear from her to see how her transition from the hospital to SNF went.,"
" I also had planned to go visit my Mom and bring her some of her belongings later that evening"
I am not trying to be cruel here you really felt Mom would be happy being placed in a SNF? And you planned on visiting her? This is where you cut ties. For your sanity, you have to back off. No visiting or answering Moms calls. Give yourself the break you need. With all your Moms health problems I doubt if she will be released. You make it very clear you WILL not care for this woman. Turn her care over to the State. They will spend down any money she has for her care and when its gone Medicaid will take over.
When accusations are made APS has to investigate. Seems you have her Neurologist to back you up that Mom needs care other than in your home. Please, when the dust settles, see a therapist. You owe this woman nothing. Really, you need to go no contact. Your husband has to let it go too. Be glad she is somewhere where she can get the care she needs. If you feel you must take a call, hang up if its nasty but I wouldn't take it. You need to set boundries for yourself. You have to stop allowing this woman to abuse you.
P. S. Ignore TChamp. Most of his/her comments are off the Wall.
I do wish you very good luck and as someone else said, please let us all know how it turns out.
The first time was so bizarre, I wasn't home and never could get a straight answer from either my husband who has Alzheimer's or them on what took place.
They would not tell me what the second visit was about until I let them into the house. Someone, reported me for isolating my husband, We were in the middle of COVID and were supposed to isolate so go figure. They were told that his family was not able to contact him and our guns were accessible to him. They wanted to talk to him separately so I left the room. I could hear murmuring, but when he called me to come back, I pretended I did not hear and I made him walk to me.
In my case, they wanted to see the kitchen and food. I also showed them the gun safes and explained he did not have the combinations, which he does not. I also gave them one of his niece's phone number and suggested they call her because we had taken dinner over to her house the week before and ate it on her porch. I also gave them the phone number of one of his friends who I made sure talked to him on a regular basis.
She complemented me on my cooperation and of course, I never heard anything from them and I cannot get any answers on either time they came by. I understand in my county that is the norm for the organization. In fact the County Board of Supervisor's is going to court to force them to turn over some records on a high profile case they were involved in.
We are old, so I did call an Elder Law Advocate (attorney) that I had talked to before. The first consultation was free. In my case, he said if they ever came back and wanted in the house, to have them call him first.
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