I’m living with and caring for my elderly grandmother who is in her late 90’s. This evening she really became angry and was crying the moment I walked in the door. She was critical of me because I didn’t immediately take her where she wanted ( I had just walked in the door from work and hadn’t even sat my purse down!) and she began crying and carrying on that I treat her ‘so bad’. This was after I came home during my lunch hour to bring her newspapers and to check on her. THEN I was the sweetest granddaughter (her words). But for the life of me I can’t do enough for her! I cook, clean, shop, garden, make sure she has everything she needs, and run the household. She can be so kind and considerate at times and then just turn on me and I feel like a little girl again and get my feelings hurt. I have a serious health issue (heart related) that I have worked hard to overcome and don’t want my heath to suffer again. I just want some advice as to how to avoid the emotional fallout that I experience when she gets mean and ugly with me. Thank you in advance.
I do try and leave the room and that seems to help. She often gets over it. But not tonight. When I returned she starts in again and I want to plead my side of the story to her! I need to stop this behavior on my part of engaging her.
I’m sorry about your mom. It is shocking to hear these things. We do everything we can for them and we do it with love and kindness so when it isn’t returned it’s hurtful.
It makes sense it would be sundowners and I need to be in tune to that. Our evenings are usually quiet and calm but she suffers from short term memory loss and forgets the good things that happen during the day. Thanks for the support! I’ll read up on sundowners.
And I’ll work on not getting so emotional when she lashes out.
On your profile you mention a heart condition for your GM.
The sundowners is usually considered to be a sign of dementia. Sometimes symptoms of dementia come from a UTI. If you can get her tested for that, you might find that’s the problem. It’s a simple pee test. Ask that it be cultured so that you get the correct antibiotic. Get her a probiotic, Vit D and make sure her Bs are tested. Dehydration can also cause mood problems.
About yourself. Your GM Is in her late 90s. Many live to 100 these days. Not too many make it to 110 but some do. I have an aunt who is 104 and still doing quite well. Her daughter, not so much.
So take extreme care of yourself. Maybe you don’t come straight home from work. Maybe you take a walk first. Maybe a mindful meditation class right after work. A swim or just a few minutes sitting in your car listening to a little music or relaxing your body.
Give yourself a few instructions on how to respond to whatever you find when you walk in the door.
If you are like most of us, you plan to see it through.
Give yourself some checkpoints on when and under what circumstances you might decide to bring in extra help or hospice or long term care. It’s a measure of comfort to know that when we get to a certain. Juncture we have a plan.
You sound like you are doing a great job.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vasnp81x63E
That said, it helps to step away, have a big cry and pitty moment, and then get back in the game. Good luck and hugs, this is really hard stuff!
You will not ever understand her nor will you ever change her...You have a choice.
You can decline to play the game.
Let her rant and carry one as long a she wants...It will be unpleasant for you, yet what you have been doing has not worked for you and this may not change her at all, but it sure can change you.. Bottom line: You will not change her...You can change you...
Grace + Peace,
Bob
sometimes nice and sometimes upset. I try to take him places, but he still feels no one takes him anymore. He's frustrated that he cant drive like he use to. I understand and try to help, but there's so much i can do. I need to live too.
My advice is while they might say convoluted things, dont take it personally. They are just venting. You know you are doing your best.
If I can't take him somewhere, I try to occupy him in other ways, with music or a movie or newspaper
1 Respond positive and calmly.
2 Be neutral or vague even though you may have a good strong point to make.
3 Act as though you are considering things she says, but respond with a kind voice of reason.
4 WALK AWAY calmly when needed.
5 Don't use your words as weapons or daggers to inflict pain or to get a reaction. Use your words as tools to keep peace for yourself if nothing else.
This is all easier said than done I know, but with time you will master this. You may fail at times, but start over.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
And get some of your own interests and hobbies going. Especially those that remove you from her presence.
Best to ignore and say yes to everything and continue to be gentle, then they respond better, more often. It isn't easy, but it is the way it is. Take care.
Things that are said that bring me back to childhood emotionally. I give you so much praise for being there for your grandmother but remember you are there to help not get pulled into her life.
You may be at the point that you need to get more support for yourself and get away.
You need to care for yourself so you can be there for her.
Boundaries are our friend. 😊
Speak to the doctor and let him know whats going on and the rest really is in gods hands now. some how some way you need to be strong enough to ignore the negative side of behavior and enjoy the positive part of grandma.
After having both parents go thru it at the same time, and than having them pass three weeks apart recently I can tell you from experience you will has lots of ups and downs but if you can teach your self to block out the bad and thrive on the good you will be ok.
I don't think of all the terrible hurtful things either of my parents said or did, I think of all of the good times I was able to have with them until they passed.
Be strong and loving to her and to yourself ... caregiving is the hardest job to do.
good luck and keep in touch....
I agree with Old Bob and the other posts here. It sounds like something she can't help. My honey does not have sundowners ( as I said your situation is somewhat different but with some of the same challenges as mine), but I found that a lot of his worry and anxiety attacks (which I intend to address with his pc doctor tomorrow when we see him). When things were going downhill physically for him, he complained constantly and then went to being vicious and mean verbally. When he came home from the hospital and rehab he was like a different person. He has been home a little over a week and though he is not being verbally abusive, he still gets his cut downs in like don't touch his phone, check book (I had been balancing it for him) etc as anything I touch I mess up. When this starts I just say fine, take it with a grain of salt and go on about my business or head to my study. I refuse to rise to him baiting me. He is aware though that I will not tolerate any yelling and/or verbal abuse, period. I am aware that the cut downs are a form of verbal abuse, but I choose to ignore them as I have found that though I love him very much, he can only hurt me or make me angry if I allow it. I learned that after the severe verbal abuse that I endured before.
Please hang in there... You might look into a psychologist/psychiatrist that teaches mental relaxation techniques. This was taught to me after I had my first major stroke and it has stood me in good stead through the years. Also, find a hobby that you like and work on it a little bit every day. I have told my honey flat that unless it is an emergency I will not respond between such and such hour(s). You have to set boundaries while still reassuring the loved one that you love them very much but in order to be able to help them, unless it is an emergency, you need this time period for yourself. Took me awhile and it was hard for me to do this, but I have and it is working out well. By the way..still keep a check on her (I check on my honey periodically during this time..most of the time he does not know it. )
Well have to run as rehab for my honey just showed up. Please take care and keep us posted how you are doing.
On the other hand, it's a joy when Mr Parkinson's is quiet and Mom is back. I spoil her and talk, sing, or read to her and she's always appreciative.
It takes practice, but separating her from her disease can be a sanity saver.
Bless you for caring for Grandma. But care for yourself, too.
It is helpful to remember that your loved one has become "a time traveler" moving back and forth between different times in the past and now. He or she is not in control of how they behave. They are often moody, perhaps because they sense they are no longer in control of their lives.
It's tough, but you do need to step back and give yourself time to be. Don't try to care for the person living with (PLwD) on your own. Get in other members of your family and paid carers. If you don't, you will burn out and no longer be able to care for your loved one. I think patience and compassion develops slowly in relation to the needs of the PLwD. Be patient with yourself and try to communicate your patience to your loved one.